The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, June 7th, asks us to think about courtesy. In alanon, courtesy is thought to express loving and warm concern for the other persons comfort. The writer says we often overlook this in the home. In How Alanon Works for the Families and Friends of Alcoholics, that author says that all people deserve our courtesy. And if we treat people well when we speak what is in our minds and hearts, they are much more likely to hear what we have to say.
Reminder: I will take every opportunity to be courteous to those nearest me, as well as those outside my orbit. The warmth and kindness of courtesy will take the sting out of resentments, and give dignity and importance to the members of my household, making them feel secure and loved.
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My spouse and I had some tense moments through words this evening, and when the dust settled, we both were able to use courtesy in our behavior towards one another. We do not intend to hurt one another, yet feelings can get the better of us when it should be a time to pause and breathe. Im a firm believer in trying to treat others as I want to be treated, and this reading rang true for me, that sometimes its hardest to do this with my A. I agree that if I can express myself in a calm, caring manner, what Im saying will be heard in a better way.
I had lots and lots of things wrong with me. Youngest daughter is now 30. When she was 4 she was sitting on my knee. Her little fist came up and grabbed my chin- tight.
My first reaction was not anger or anything- very much the opposite. Wassup? I was suddenly present.
She tugged on my chin, and pulled my head around gently. Aha... she was wanting me to make eye contact!
Fast forward to today. I am still getting massive amounts of groupwork in Alanon. I have my physio as a therapist. I see her every eight weeks. And my capacity is improving, slowly, day by day.
I have walked streets in NY and LA. And it was heeeeavy, really heavy, for me. I am used to walking through sheep paddocks. And in the USA, people walk and drive on the wrong side!
But it did make me aware of personal space.
At home here I am aware of people walking and swarming all around me. It only takes a second at a time to show some courtesy. Not walking across people and cutting them off. But being assertive and purposeful getting from A to B, from time to time.
In the verbal realm- hey! Same applies really.
In NZ it is a kiwi thing to address people by their first name. It is the queens birthday today, and a national holiday.
But we tend to call her -Liz-.
And then there are times when people WILL NOT thanks you for calling them by name. Depends on the circumstance.
and that also is about grounding, and being present. ...
Lyne. Thank you for the daily and your nice share. I so agree. Courtesy and kindness cost us absolutely nothing yet I see it lacking in so many people but you know I am only in control of me and if I feel myself getting mad at someone, it is time to back off and pause and pray and breathe and yes its OK for me to set a boundary or let them know how their behavior is impacting me but I dont have to be mean about it. I dont have to be insulting.
I can keep the focus on me and I can set my boundaries and do it in a kind and courteous way because perhaps the courtesy and kindness will help them see what they are doing. And I do want to treat others as I want to be treated I remember my grandfather telling me that he admonished me that what goes around comes around and he said that you want to treat others the way you want to be treated and if they are really really toxic, just get away. Just walk away. Disconnect.
Lyne - thank you for your service and the daily.. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. I have returned to what I learned in kindergarten - if I don't have something nice to say, I refrain. A part of me feels ill when I am disrespectful to others and my first inclination is usually not a friendly/courteous response. I've still got a ton of fire in me and have to choose to not react, instead consider a response.
I do believe that kindness, courteousness and the like are contagious. I know, for me, that nastiness is not my authentic self but instead a defense mechanism. I practice daily being a better version of me and that includes not taking myself too seriously, being kind/consistent to all I encounter and being part of the solution vs. part of the problem.
I have never regretted keeping my mouth closed in anger nor have I regretted being kind/courteous. I have regretted the opposite and felt derailed/moved from my center. I am willing to go to any length today to keep my serenity/sanity - I choose joy always!
Happy Monday all - make it a great day! Off to golf and then to chase down a HVAC expert - our AC is not working...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Such great shares about this topic to start of my work week!
Grateful!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Around people who call other people names and denigrate them at the drop of a hat there is no courtesy. There is only a brick wall s permeable as I can make it. They are like toddlers completely unable to control their emotions
I have to look long and hard at myself and the people pleasing behavior
One of my neighbors has on her Facebook page the mom everyone likes. Guess that is why she has a pedophile among her friends. There are always people out there looking for fresh prey or to manipulate others to get them to do what they need to do for themselves. That is the epitome of manipulation getting other people to mother and baby you when you are am adult. The qualifier was extremely adept at that and he was proud of it
Certain people make manipularion their art form.
As a people pleaser I was most certainly easy prey to theurbeternal grooming
When I started addressing my complex PTSD. I managed to get a different view of codependency. I saw it as part of the disorder rather than ancillary to it. Of course naturally it's is difficult to regulate. Other people count on that
How ironic that when the codependent sets a boundary then their popularity falls dramatically. Learning to relate Asian adult rather than a people pleaser is a real challenge. But challenge is part of life and right now I am up to challenge.
Certainly those whose behavior is entirely dysregulated are incapable of courtesy. That is because there is no regulation there at all. What's more their ability to control their impulses is almost non existent. The qualifier certainly met that category. I know many addicts who meet that category.
Being able to manage one's moods is so key. In fact I think it is critical and so much a part of the al anon message.
When you can manage your own self you can move through the world with ease. You do not live on a juvenile level of being like you are in kindergarten.
Since I now have boundaries that is effective boundaries when people are discourteous I no longer take it personally the fact they cannot regulate themselves us entirely their issue
I can live life on life's terms. In a pandemic that is so essential after all I have to be out there in the world working. When I am not working I am finding ways to improve myself and my environment. I am in the middle of a summer cleaning and spring cleaning. I am extraordinarily busy.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. I am so happy that my complex PTSD is being regulated. My purpose in life is clear my goals are aligned and I merely need to take action every day no matter what. That action is sometimes on a detour. I hirt my foot pretty badly. My toes are all swollen and my whole foot is covered with a massive bruise. I went to work regardless because I have to take care of my responsibilities and goals.
I hope I can find a way to get the swelling down because my toes look very strange. And the pain is pretty difficult to manage
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 7th of June 2021 10:41:42 AM
I kinda laughed about this topic because in years past I thought saying ###%%$&@ to someone politely as possible was being courteous.
I have really progressed in the treatment of others since then. With the help of therapy I have learned to allow myself to be vulnerable with others. I don't have to be so hard core on the outside in order to protect how I really feel inside.
But with the help of this program I've learned pretty much more than during therapy. And being kind and courteous is a strength not a weakness. And being genuine with it now feels good and makes me feel good about myself. I still have my moments where I'm even shocked at the hard core stuff that shoots out of my mouth that would make your pets cover their ears but not very often anymore.
Thanks for the reading and the topic, Lyne... 
I had lots and lots of things wrong with me. Youngest daughter is now 30. When she was 4 she was sitting on my knee. Her little fist came up and grabbed my chin- tight.
...