The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For a long time, this page author would automatically answer 'Fine, how are you?', even when they were not. Some may point to denial as a trait of alcoholics when in fact, we may use it just as much by always pretending that 'everything is fine'.
Honesty is an important part of Alanon recovery, and determining the real answer to how we are doing may help us break a habit of denial and foster honesty in other areas of our life.
Reminder: How am I doing today, how do I feel? Being able to answer honestly opens the door to recovery and rewarding relationships with others.
"We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves and with others." - The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage -------------------------- I struggled mightily before Alanon as I tried to control someone else's use of alcohol and many other things outside of my control. I was not always honest with myself and others about my efforts and motives.
I still struggle today, but so much less due to the insight of the program and the incredible comfort of knowing that my higher power will work things out; I don't have to. My struggle is in remembering this in challenging times, not the impossible task of attempting to control outcomes and perceptions others may hold, as once was my defaut.
Honesty in my recovery about how I was doing truly, my motives and intentions played a huge role in finding the level of Serenity that is available to me today. I am very grateful for the wisdom of the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Enigmatic. Your daily and share is exactly what I needed. It's like you knew my problem THIS morning and custom suited the post just for me. LOL Thank you and have a day filled with blessings.
Thanks Paul for your service and share. Im not sure why but honesty became a priority for me prior to program. Its a quality that helps me respect myself. Program is like the icing on the cake, which reinforces honesty, for example make a searching and fearless moral inventory....And I think the healing that takes place for me in meetings, on the board, and with my sponsor and program friends, only works as I am able to be honest with myself and others. I like it!
Today's topic is one I've reflected on quite a lot actually, but from a cross-cultural perspective. I'm a language teacher by training, although that's not where my work is anymore. One of the things that struck me early on was that in American culture, the "how are you?" "I'm fine thanks" exchange seems to function as a general greeting. One that is uttered, for example, as people walk past each other. This doesn't really open much of an opportunity for a lengthy (or, in my case, authentic) reply. In the language I teach, "how are you?" is a question asked among close friends or good acquaintances, and it usually is answered with a lengthy monologue regarding how someone is actually feeling emotionally and functioning medically. If one doesn't have 20 minutes, one just doesn't ask the question.
After spending a lot of time in another language and culture, I found myself volunteering too much information when asked "how are you?". As the question asker continued to walk by and hesitantly look over their shoulders as I tried answering their question, I developed the strategy of just replying "fine, you?" But this isn't authentic conversation. I think of it as the same thing as saying "hi" to someone.
In my Al-Anon groups and with my al-anon friends, I find the space to think about and express how I am actually feeling. Being in touch with this, and having a space to express it helps me to be more aware of what I am feeling, and to be aware of how I am. This, for me, is the first step in making needed changes.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I've been told more than a few times that I'm brutally honest. I guess it's because I've been lied to so much throughout my entire life that honesty is my number one priority.
That being said,honesty and denial are two different things. I realize I'm in denial about quite a few things. It's not that I've been purposely dishonest but rather not able to face some truths that I need to.
With the help of this program though I am becoming more open and honest and facing things,whether it's the reality of alcoholism/addiction or my own personal flaws. And I am opening up more and being honest about my feelings too.
Have a good day everyone.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 25th of May 2021 09:19:09 AM
Good morning, all, and thank you Paul for the daily.
"How are you?" is such a great topic and question. When and how to be honest is not always a simple decision, but with program I have found that I can be honest about how I am really doing and feeling -- in safe spaces, and Al-Anon is my ultimate safe space. There were times in my life when denial was the only way I could handle that question. Now I need to use my "wisdom to know the difference" when responding to this question.
I know that when the clerk in the grocery store asks how my day is going, i can say "Fine, thanks" -- and remember the times that when I heard this simple question I wanted to say to the store clerk "Oh, honey, you don't want to know -- it's going horrific!!!" But now I can say "Fine, thanks" to the store clerk and know that later I will be talking to my friend or my Al-Anon group where I can say how it is really going. And yes, I need the awareness and honesty to admit to myself how it is really going.
I hope we all have a good day today -- and that if we are having a bad day -- or a good day -- that we have someone we can be honest with and share that.
Thank you Paul for your service and to all whom have shared.
There is a meme that this reminds me of... one that I always chuckle at b/c it was so ME! And tbh, it can still be me.
"Fine. I'm Fine. Everything's Fine."
I still laugh about getting this on a T-Shirt. I worked so hard, and for so many years to present "that" to the world. Lately I have found out that I was using it as a "self-soothing" technique... in other words, I was trying to convince myself!
Skorpi - I really liked your take on this. I find your description to be spot on. When you grow up in a culture where you know no one really cares about how you actual feel, even though you get asked constantly, it can be difficult to know how you actual DO feel! It would be nice to have a different kind of greeting IMHO.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I have worked to change my habit of asking others how they are, instead opting to suggest they make it a great day or find and keep their joy. I don't appreciate small talk and How are you as a question/conversation starter, for me/to me, is an opening to just that - small talk.
I am grateful to have a small circle of trusted friends that I can be authentic with. No matter what I am feeling, they are a part of my life and a part of each of my days. We've built a safe place for any of us to open up and share - good, bad, indifferent, crazy, etc. It's such a relief to me to have a safe place where I can just be me - warts and all.
I wore a false mask for so, so long, it is only through practice that I can actually sit with myself to assess what I'm genuinely feeling. I've also learned that it's OK for me to not be fine and/or to not know exactly what I'm feeling...more is always revealed.
Happy Tuesday all - golfed all morning and am a tired gal! Hope your Tuesday's been awesome - we have more rain in the forecast so not sure how golf outings (planned) will go/or not this week. Got my plan B's all lined up too! Make it a great Tuesday!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was hopeless at small talk. I used to say:- I would gate-crash a conversation and just hope for the best.
Taking action and having hearing restored helped enormously- with my ability to pick up signals, and to actually hear. Before that is was mostly guesswork.
I study culture a lot- and realise that different cultures have different rituals of encounter. In Ao-NZ... a local greeting, especially at a formal occasion, would involve rubbing noses!
Feeling relaxed and being present did not come easy for me. Today I am aware of other people's anxiety and uneasiness- so that is reassuring. We try to remove barriers and create healthy functional boundaries. ...
Thank you Paul for your service
Indeed I am certainly guilty of issue of over sharing. Indeed I deeply craved being #known#
I still do but I am far more conscious if boundaries.
Maresie
I am loving reading everyone's replies to this Daily!
TT - I so identified with what you shared..."Perfection was my way of denying reality." I believe that was my modus operandi. It was the ol' Fake it till you make it - taken to 11!!
I really want to start incorporating " Reasonably content" as an answer to the ever-present, "How are you?" It will be fun watching their faces puzzle out how to respond! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I do think this is a great topic
My life is far more manageable today. That isn't because there are less stressors. There are more than ever. What has changed is the way I navigate through them
I am of course frustrated a good deal of the time.
I have such long to do lists
My schedule was gutted last week
Then I had to completely rearrange my schedule this week because I had an evaluation
That has been the norm for most of this year having to always rearrange my entire week
I am indeed working on larger goals
I would enjoy some stability if I did not have to be an essential worker.
However I am committed to being self sufficient so I have to find ways to do that. Right now it is juggling three jobs
I have many many demands on my time but my recovery is still very much the most important part of my life. I know where I would be without recovery. That would be completely dysregukated which is indeed not something I want to entertain. Recovery from complex PTSD has many facets
My current focus is on accepting total responsibility for my life and maintaining a healthy outlook
I am not sure I know what healthy was before
I know now being completely dysregulated and relying on others to help me was always going to be a disaster
Being helpless is not an adult way of being
While I certainly do not want to work long hours until I get a grip on my budget (which will come shortly in the next few days) I cannot realistically make plans for the future
Being responsible means I have no one to blame anymore.
Dear Paul: thank you for your service and this fantastic post
I wasnt honest with myself or others as to how I felt. I was always just fine--just dandy--now I am honest. First with myself and then even with others who am I know if they ask me how Im doing, I dont want to go into a big diatribe with them but on the same token I dont tell them I am just fine if I am not Ill say something like oh things could be better but Im trying to put 1 foot in front of the other or something kind of generic but definitely I am honest with myself. Since the rug was pulled out from many of us regarding unemployment I have cycled in and out of situational depression and fear and then at other times I am leaning on my higher power and feeling some semblance of peace but its up and down and I be with my feelings and I accept if I am having a sad day, a grieving day, I take extra care not to push myself, sometimes a person will call me like the other night my high school girlfriend called me and I picked up the phone and we chatted for a bit, she knew my situation and shes throwing the Bible at me and finally I just had to tell her that Im just not in the mood right now to debate religion as I am spiritual not religious and I said that we have the same name for our God, I have to have my understanding of my higher power and if it is different than hers, well lets live and let live but I had to tell her I was not in a good place that I was grieving and can we talk another time and she was real sweet and kind about it and she said she didnt mean to preach at me and I said no worries and I told her I knew her heart was in the right place its just when I am not in a good place perhaps I should just because she doesnt have a cell phone, she uses her landline, I told her that I would just tell her upfront can we talk another time because, if I am having a bad day, just tell her I am not in a good place and so thats what we agreed upon
When I am not in a good place I am more quiet and reserved and less interested in chatting with folks I dont know because there are so many unsafe people out there I dont share with just anyone but if its someone I know and feel comfortable with I might tell them Im a bit under the weather emotionally and that I could use a prayer and a hug if they are that close to me. Honesty is the only way to go for me. I just cant be anything else but and I am thankful that program has brought out the real me and not that fake little me That I showed for so many years because I was invalidated and so I just didnt even know what my feelings were anymore. Anger and fear were the only emotions I could feel for so long. But now I can feel a bunch of feelings like a human should. Thanks for your service and this great post
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Thanks Paul... 
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