Well dru , your alot stronger than I think I would be in the same situation. (((((((((hugs)))))))))) Stay close to your al-anon friends your going to need them. they will get u thru this . Ask God to take care of you daily and to keep u strong.   One day at a time we can do anything.

Please email me I have something that may help you get thru this , it is from one of our forums. read it everyday  i found alot of strenth from this article hopefully you will too.  Louise

abbyal2003@yahoo.ca

bye for now

Hi drucilla,

This sounds familiar...my husband did similar things when he stopped drinking.

Had online girlfriends, pursued them right in front of my face, no shame, no hiding, making it clear he was planning on and building a life without me in it...while still living in our house with me.

He also justified it, saying that when I said I had had enough of his drinking that "meant" that I was "moving on" as I "knew" he would not give up drinking so he got to "move on" to.  It was not his fault I was too stupid to realize it was over.  And it was also not his fault I was so stupid that I took seriously the "dirty piece of toilet paper" (our marriage certificate) and did not go find someone else myself.

My therapist told me that some people drink to self medicate a mental illness, often ones easy to hide like "Borderline Personality Disorder" and "Narcissisum".  When they stop drinking, they are not longer depressing their central nervous system and so the symptoms of this disorder manifest themselves.  Only since they are mentally ill, they have poor control over their actions, and often carry out their crazy and bizarre thoughts.

I lived for a year like this, and yes it was MISERABLE, real suffering...

The only thing that got me through it was planning a life for myself.  Yes, he was treating my like dirt, and saw me like dirt, but I was not going to take it laying down.  I am not talking about revenge here, just standing up for my dignity as a human being.

I consulted a lawyer and found out what I had to do to get a "fault" divorce.  As in getting a divorce because of mental cruelty and emotional abuse.  She told me what to do.  I began collecting evidence for my divorce hearing. 

I bought a tape recorder and began taping his abusive conversations.  I also began searching his room while he was at work for evidence of things he was doing. 

When he would throw his girlfriends in my face, it stung less when I had a motivation for hearing it.  It began to be "evidence' for my attorney and I began to not take it so personally.  I let him "dig his own grave" giving me more and more evidence to build a really solid case against him.

I also did lots and lots of research into those mental illnesses, one of which my husband was diagnosed with having.  It helped me to understand him better.  I began to almost be able to second guess him.

I have to say that under those  circumstances there was no "laughing and talking" together, and no physical relationship either.  It would have turned my stomach.  I don't know how you can handle that, but perhaps you might consider not going out with him in a social way.  Of course you need to be polite and civil to him, but the pleasure of my company would be reserved for someone who treated me with respect and cared for me.

You have been married a long time...and that shows in your ability to see him as a 'friend" and still have lunch dates.  But, I urge you for your own peace of mind to reconsider spending time with someone who has such blatant disregard for your feelings.

Go out with your woman friends, cry on their shoulder, spend time with people who will build you up.  If you have isolated yourself due to this misery, go to the local woman's shelter and go to a support group meeting.  Find other woman who can support you and understand.  Emotional abuse is taken just as seriously as physical abuse by people who understand the subject of spousal abuse. 

My husband eventually went back to drinking and regained his sanity and stopped these behaviors.  I have agreed to continue in the marriage...for the time being...since we have a daughter still in school, but this has taken its toll and our marriage will never be the same.

I hope things work out for you, so that you are happy.

Please take care of yourself...and nurture yourself...treat yourself like you would tell a friend to treat herself under these circumstances.

What would you tell your daughter to do if her husband treated her this way?

Think about that...and do no less for yourself.

Love,

Isabela

(((((Drucilla))))) I'm glad you got it out.

This would break my heart too. Of course it's going to hurt, this is a man you've been married to for 36years! You don't just switch off all those feelings overnight irrespective of what damage has already been done to your marriage. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to set a boundary here or discuss some ground rules? As you still seem relatively amicable perhaps you could explain to your husband that although you accept your marriage is over it still hurts you to hear and see these things. While you are still living together could he please, as a mark of respect for all you once had, conduct his private life more privately, preferably out of the home and your earshot?

You are grieving the loss of your marriage and your dreams for a happy future together. This will take time. It's your choice how much you tell him about why it hurts. If you think he is likely to use the information as ammunition later just give him the bare bones. I would suggest you consider why you still have lunch dates etc. What do you get out of it? Does it make you feel better or worse? What are your motives? That way you can make better/different choices for yourself or feel more comfortable with the ones you have made. I'm not suggesting you become uncivilised just make sure you're clear about why you do these things and maybe it will lessen the confusion. Do you still want to be friends? If so, perhaps you could explain to him that at the moment this is very confusing and difficult for you and until you are both living separate lives in separate homes the friendship may need to be put on hold until you've had time to heal and become stronger.

Continue getting to your meetings, reading etc. Perhaps you can get some contact numbers of people in your group and call them when you're having a hard time. Try to create a support network for yourself. You're doing great in difficult circumstances. Take it a day at a time and know that this too shall pass.

In love and support, x  Maria  x 

Dear Drucilla -

Boy do I know how you feel about the whole business of having too much debt to leave.  I am in a similar boat.  I am trying to get my house ready to sell so we can pay off our 1st & 2nd mortgage.  Then I am out of there.  I already sold 2 fourwheelers, a big screen tv & a Steel Master Building Kit (he bought w/our 2nd mortgage but never built) just to pay off credit card debt.  I manage to elimate mine and left him w/only 1.  BUT he is back to charging again and b/c he isn't working I am having to charge groceries etc just to make it.  I don't bring home enough $ to pay the 1st mortgage much less the 2nd, my car payment, his truck payment & all the other little things that pile up.

He has started several maintenance projects around the house too but has failed to complete them.  The air handler under the house is 1/2 installed.  He ripped dry rotten boards off the house from around the roof but hasn't put new ones up yet.  He started putting landscaping timbers down around the drive last fall but only got 1/4 the way around (big driveway).  Meanwhile, I cannot sell until some of this crap gets done and he is off getting high off of his crack while I bust my butt raising 2 kids & working to pay bills.  IT IS JUST CRAZY INSANE.  All I want to do is sell the house & get out from under this marriage.  I want to be on my own w/the kids & 2 dogs.  If he wants to go destroy his life, then so be it.  But I don't want to witness it and I sure as hell don't want to go down with him.

And FYI - I have suffered the whole "other woman" thing too.  7 years ago he was ready to leave me for another woman.  I would watch him leave the house @ night to go meet up w/her @ a bar.  It broke my heart....but you know what - I should have left his butt then instead of allowing him to crawl back w/apologies that didn't really mean crap.  I adopted a new philosphy back then - WHAT DOESN'T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER.....and I honestly believe I am stronger now b/c of that.  I was scared to be alone back then but now I welcome it.

Good luck w/everything.  Know we are all here for you. :)

QOD