The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
While going through years of trauma therapy I had a new found strength in myself. I was determined to stop being a doormat,start standing up for myself and stop allowing others to walk all over me.
I started telling off and getting rid of every person that even looked at me the wrong way. I became extremely forceful and aggressive. I demanded respect,yelled and screamed at everyone and thought it was the right way to go about it.
Since coming here I've been experiencing this as a 'gentle' program. The shares,the vibes here,feels like a kind and gentle,much better way to do things.
I've also realized that cutting every person out of my life was not the best route to take. All that has done is leave me without anyone in my life basically. I now know a better approach is to work on myself and my reactions to the toxic people. It's wiser to change myself than to run away from and try to avoid all toxicity. There's always going to be difficult people in life and learning to handle myself is the key I think.
I don't like how I have behaved for quite a few years. I want to be a kind and caring person not a hot headed demanding psycho. I want to set boundaries yet be gentle about it. I can just as easily assert myself gently as I can yelling,and I have found it's more effective to do it that way.
Idk,I was just thinking about how coming here and reading shares makes me feel. It makes me strive for kindness and gentleness. And I appreciate all of you for that and wanted to let you know.
Great topic SF and lovely, honest share. I am reminded of Betty's signature -- THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS -- Talmud
I remember reading that and, at first glance, thinking it was kind of silly. Like you, I'd gone through a transformation from being the youngest child, only daughter (more doormat than not) to what I thought was the reverse. For me, as one who followed black/white, right/wrong thinking, the transformation was possibly a bit extreme.
I can totally relate to your post. In my effort to become a stronger person, and less of a doormat, I became a bit of a right-fighter who dominated others, easily dismissed people and yet, still wasn't comfortable in my own skin most of the time. Learning how to be a kinder, gentler person to myself and to others has been a helpful part of my journey. Learning how to have healthy boundaries in the middle of chaos brought on by this disease or other life events has made me stronger and more graceful. While dismissing others from my life and circle felt easier at the time, it did not bring me growth, learning and serenity as desired simply because the issues were not these people, places and things - the issues were how I looked at or interpreted them.
I do not go out of my way to avoid anyone or anything. I do go out of my way to detach from drama and chaos, no matter when or where it rises up. I keep my expectations low and truly do try to treat all I encounter with kindness, respect and compassion. The elusive word 'balance' comes to mind for me, and while I have felt it to be forever elusive, I do feel closer to it now than before now.
SF - self awareness, in my experience, is what has helped me be a better person and willing to keep growing, changing and learning. Your share reminds me also of the three A(s) we talk about in recovery - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. We certainly can't change if we aren't aware - eh? Keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In recent times have I managed to get trauma therapy- by ferreting out someone who was practising. Breathing was central to this- and from within I was able to clear up the mess my life was. I still have a dry cough- and last week got my breathing checked and my lungs X-rayed. Both have come out normal.
I was always a chronic hypochondriac... always trying to work out why I felt so wretched. Hell on earth.
Being in Alanon, and being here has been a good part of the healing journey. To be trusted and respected has been pivotal.
Lovely share Sunny... 
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