The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the power of forgiveness and the consistent work we do in recovery to be aware of our attitudes. The writer describes the feeling when old wounds resurface- that this is the signal to do a self inventory and work the steps. Step 10 is awareness work and helps us see when old resentments come to the surface. Step 4 helps us discover the reason for the resentment, 5 helps to air it out, 6 and 7 help us become willing to offer resentment for removal, 8 and 9 are amends to ourselves and any other person for damage caused, 10 is where we can assess that the resentment is healed, and with step 11 we see that we are free to move forward. After this detailing of the steps there is a sentence that I selfishly believe was written just for me: Holding grudges keeps me trapped in self-centeredness.
When I am honest about the amount of time and energy I have given to ruminating over grudges and old resentments it is staggering! The steps are helpful to me because they are a tangible and concrete way to work through an issue or situation. I am not always disciplined about truly going through them, but the consistency of our literature, correspondence with sponsor and our forum here to share our experiences helps keep me on track!
I hope everyone who is celebrating enjoys their Mothers Day! For those remembering a mom, I hope your day is filled with warmth and comfort. Enjoy a peaceful Sunday everyone:)
Good Morning Mary. Thank you for an eye opener. Yes, it is STAGGERING when I think about time spent nursing old grudges and energy given to old resentments. I will choose to replace ruminating with prayer, gratitude, chores, walks... I believe HP is nudging me to get on with Step 4. I purchased the perfect notebook weeks ago...pages still blank...and I have been avoiding Al-Anoner I asked to sponsor me since she suggested I work on my most glaring issues. What's weird is the stuff that owns me has more to do with my family (alive or dead), than my AH...hmm... Have a wonderful day.
Dear Mary: thank you for your share, I agree for the most part but this is just my opinion and my take there are some crimes that are just not forgivable however, that sad, it is incumbent on me to give up the resentment and the hate and the bitterness and I have told my higher power I am willing to do that. It is for me. It is so that I am not tethered to evil. And when I think about it in those terms, I can do it because it is nothing to do with the individual who did the crime against me it is about me and my peace and my serenity and my peace of mind. To just let go and let karma take care of him which I did. And it is difficult for me because I am constantly reminded with complex PTSD and GAD. And also ADD and the terrible After math or after effects of these conditions, it seems I am reminded all the time of the catastrophic losses and damage but I just make myself tell myself that today is another day and that I can bring good energy to me beginning today by being grateful for what is going right in my life and to be grateful that I have the program and to just go one day at a time and keep things simple
Happy Sunday MIP. Happy, peaceful, joyful day to all - mothers or not. I must raise my hand as one who's spent much more time than desired on resentments and anger of events gone by. I am grateful for a program that helps keep me present, reminds me to let go, equips me with tools to feel/do/be better and the forever changing attitudes/outlooks I can choose.
I truly have no need or want to stay focused on the past. It just does not serve me well in the present. It's for learning purposes only and glancing is allowed, visiting for too long blocks me from the sunlight of the spirit. I was told early on that if I do step work, and still obsess about past grievances, it is worth it to revisit until I can let go and let God. Big or small, grudges, anger and resentments hold me hostage to my will/ego vs. those of the God of my understanding.
Make it a great day all - supposed to golf and grill today - might skip the golf and just chill and grill. It's windy and cold here with tons of rain overnight. No matter how this day unfolds, I do know I will be good and all will be well. (((Hugs))) to all...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mary for your service and to all whom have shared!
From what I have gleaned here, it sounds like I need to move onto Step 10. I have sat with Step 9 for almost 6 months now. My progress has slowed due to pandemic.. it seems I never have time for self anymore. This just points out that I am stuck with a couple resentments, and I need to rededicate myself to healing. I have a habit that does not serve me (looking back at the past with rose-colored spectacles). Part of me thinks it's b/c I have had a hard time seeing my future... I have lived in fear of the pandemic. Since I have taken all known scientific precautions even before it was declared a Pandemic, I felt in control of my life. Due to the nature of my work, there was no Lockdown for me, no stoppage of my everyday existence. No mental break. I had/have to work HARD to maintain a healthy mental balance, and believe that my HP will help me and all whom I love to survive this. Oddly, it has become harder for me to do this as the country opens up, rather than when it was the heart of the pandemic. My HP keeps reminding me that it is losing my sense of "control" that is the culprit. One cannot truly control a pandemic virus - we all just do our best, and then pray for the best outcome.
Well, Just For Today - I am celebrating my mother. We usual go to a Tea House, but the last two years have been nixed. So this year I am bringing the Tea & Scones to her!! We are vaccinated, so I am setting up a proper noontime tea in our backyard. Planning for this has really brought me some joy. The weather is cool (a little overcast), and I believe it will be a good time. This is my JOY today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I do agree holding grudges is pretty self destructive behavior. However as someone who lived with a qualifier who was extremely manipulative holding a grudge was a way to remind.myself of their behavior. Of course they were absolute masters at flipping when they needed something
When the qualifier contacted me recently after he had got a DUI his messages are casual low key. That is quite an art to represent that when you have not talked to someone in years
Of course with recovery under my belt holding grudges is far less difficult. After all I have boundaries. When I set a boundary after someone has been abusive there is no.getting around I
I set boundaries religiously
So in fact the grudge was the red flag that I needed to set a boundary. Of course until I could find ways to do that it remained a grudge. Then I fought assiduously for my recovery and I crossed those hurdles
When I have established the boundary there is no need for the grudge. I have taken care of it
Of course I have been willing to study how to have boundaries how to.maintain them and what are their limitations
But then I will go to any lengths for my recovery so that is part of the course. No matter what the circumstances and I have very trying circumstances ALL the time my responsiblity is to take care of myself. That is my primary task.
Thank you so much for this topic
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Sunday 9th of May 2021 12:46:21 PM
Thanks Yanksfan for the service. It's good to know there is a method to clearing emotional blocks which don't serve us. This causes a sense of marvel to me still after all these years. My nature is equal parts flighty on the one hand and deeply obsessive on the other. It takes me a long time to let go off people and goals. Looooong. It takes me an equally long time to commit to most things. I don't think I am a harbourer of grudges as I always like to move onto the next most exciting thing and am averse to misery. But when I am committed to something I'm a thousand percent loyal to it so I have experienced all the basement emotions of anger and betrayal etc. I agree also with the sentiment expressed by mamalioness around that which is intolerable. I still don't know where I'm at around locking my doors to any thing I don't like. That is still my go to approach to life. There are certain social classes I understand intimately and i have no desire to associate with people still playing those games. So I simply don't. My FOO were and are great practice spheres for every part of this reading.
And well done to you David G. I sometimes am not sure if simply locking a door against anything perceived to be a potential risk is "healthy" or "unhealthy". But when you say let it begin with me.....well families are generational. So perhaps the lockout is necessary for my time. My children are very sheltered from every wolf known to me. I intend to keep it that way until I can't.
You make a great point. I have had old memories come up and rather than feel resentful I felt grateful for a reminder about how life was in certain circumstances and how I was no longer in that life.
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