The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's share in Courage to Change is by someone who found it hard to accept that alcoholism is a disease. They realized that they would not claim that will power alone could defeat diabetes or cancer, and would not blame the patient for their symptoms. In the same way, it did no good to nag, scold, complain, and blame an alcoholic about their compulsion to drink. If alcoholics could stop drinking whenever they wanted, many would have stopped long ago.
It was more productive to direct efforts where they can do some good -- to their own recovery, knowing that improving the health of one family member can have an effect on the rest of the family. This is a stronger contribution to loved ones, better than trying to combat a disease that we cannot control.
Today's reminder: When I accept that alcoholism is a disease, it becomes easier to recognize that I, too, have been affected by something beyond my control, and to begin to recover from those effects.
Quote from A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic: "Whether or not the alcoholic achieves sobriety, the time for the family members to begin working out their own emotional recovery is now."
----------------
I clearly remember the day I came to the understanding that I deserved my own recovery and that I had to focus on it. I hadn't yet understood that alcoholism is a disease -- but I had listened in enough Al-Anon meetings to get the message of self-care and that my problems were not too great to be lessened.
I love how today's reading helps me understand that alcoholics are affected by something they cannot control (alcohol), and that I was affected by someone I could not control (the alcoholic). It was not super-easy for me to move away from the desire to control, because it was really a desire to keep myself safe. Trying to control someone else was not achieving the goal I wanted, so I had to find other ways to keep myself safe.
The other night, a speaker in my regular Al-Anon meeting shared his perspective that in AA meetings, the goal is to make sure someone does not drink today, but in Al-Anon meetings, the goal was to help him not give a &^$#% if someone else is drinking today. I'm not sure I ever got to that level of not giving a %$#@ -- but when I finally had a chance to read up on the science -- more recent than the founding of AA and Al-Anon -- about the disease of alcoholism, that helped me with forgiveness. It helped me understand my alcoholic loved one and release him from my previously warped expectations. Not the expectation that I deserve safety and serenity -- I do deserve that. But I had to re-arrange my thinking and my actions for how to achieve serenity.
It took me a few years after first joining Al-Anon before I accepted -- and agreed with the medical profession -- that alcoholism is a disease. But that acceptance was a breakthrough in my recovery.
Thanks FT for your service and for all the great ESH above. Yes, it's been a battle within myself to "accept" my spouse has a disease and not only that, but one for which getting help is not desired. I think that just felt like a kick in the teeth that someone with a serious illness wants no help. I did finally realize that my only choice was to help myself, and I do not regret one moment I have devoted to alanon. Finally I had a life saver for me. Grateful member.
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. My mind can be a tricky place and in spite of being a member of the other side for a while before this disease arrived in my boys, I still struggled with the disease concept. I was a walking testimony to one of many on this Earth that could not stop altering my moods/mind with substances on my own. Yet, I did all that was mentioned - nagged, begged, pleaded, etc. -- with the best of intentions.
Inside knowledge and personal experience do not 'lesson' the emotional toll this disease takes on a family member who loves another with the disease. I know, for me, today and one day at a time, that if I were to pick up a drink or a drug, it would lead me back to a living hell. Possibly not immediately, who knows, but I do know that who I was and how I felt when I was active is not who I want to be any longer. It's true that IF an A could stop on their own, they would. The pain within for those struggling is greater than any words I can come up with -- and I am a wordy gal!
Accepting that my loved ones were not bad or immoral but instead were sick was difficult. Accepting that the minds/brains of my children are forever changed/damaged because of the age of onset is also not easy. Yet, when I embrace the disease concept vs. personal choice debate, I feel comfortable and accepting of my powerlessness. As with the A, as the mom of a couple, if I could cure, fix, change, etc. this disease in them, I would in a heartbeat. Yet, we know that no human power could relieve them of their disease just as no human power can relieve us of our obsession with them/their disease.
Happy Friday all - I'm hanging home today - break day from golf. I got my second vaccine shot yesterday and all is well so far. The sun is shining and there's not a cloud in the sky!! I can't think of anything I would rather do or anywhere I'd rather be that where I am...Make it a great day all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Honestly,as a young girl,I could see there was more to my dad drinking than just choosing to do so. I knew that nobody would want to be that drunk that even little 'ole me would have to help him walk through the house or take care of him. I knew nobody would purposely choose all thr problems that went along with it,all the chaos and drama,jail and prison time,etc.
So I always knew it was some kind of sickness but I never really understood the exact nature of it. Most children don't. It wasn't treated as a disease though but rather just something that all 'males' do ,expected to do and something females had no choice but tolerate.
It was confusing to say the least. And although I do now grasp that it's a disease sometimes I do struggle with accepting that it is. Sometimes it's hard to not fall back into all that old ingrained conditioning.
Thank you Freetime for your service and all shares. The disease concept was easy for me to accept. The challenge was separating the disease from the person. What I have noted is that my hubby is more receptive to help from anyone other than me . For far too long our household has been the sick treating the sick which is why I was so frustrated and exhausted. All I pray for is the desire to remain teachable and to remain active in my recovery. On another note, I have an appointment for my first dose of the vaccine. Hubby got his last month. Our lockdown will probably be extended another month. We are so excited/grateful . Have a fabulous Friday.
Thank you for your service and the share Freetime.
The disease concept for me really helps to sink programme from head to heart. It also paved the way for acceptance and detachment. It's a lot easier to accept someone suffers from a disease and like Sunnyfrogs share above, for me, it is logical that anyone in possession of a valid choice would not choose the indignity of alcoholism. It is so very much a thinking disease as well on both sides. I'm pleased that my recovery today and rather recently has finally permitted me to not give a flying rats when my first qualifier decides to drink. I found it so very triggering and disappointing when it would happen. I stopped engaging with anything I regarded as the disease speaking whether intoxicated or not. Huge difference to my life. I feel good about myself and most of all I no longer feel like everything lives or dies based on someone else's behaviour. Pretty amazing stuff this recovery business.
Have a wonderful weekend all; and I add my gratitude for all our member esh on the dailies. It's so lovely to have a collective sharing.
Thanks Freetime. I think I have spent time trying to understand the disease and to explain it.
...