The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is a description of how living in an alcoholic environment can make it impossible for us us to view the world with clarity. The writer describes repeating the behaviors of his/her parents and grandparents in terms of looking at life, and didnt approach it any differently until coming to alanon. The writer describes coming into the program like going to an eye doctor. There is not one prescription that fits for everyone, in fact there may be a view that fits the same person one day and another quite differently. The thought for the day describes this in terms of denial: that it can be a type of shock absorber for us. Just as all defense mechanisms, it may be useful or necessary to us at one time, but able to be discarded at another.
Part of the clarity that came to me by going to alanon meetings and working with a sponsor was understanding that my situation was not so unique. There were so many people around me that had a variation of it. I did not need to be in denial about what I was living in because I had the experience, strength and hope of others to help me see that I was not alone. I began to be able to let go of some of the defense mechanisms such as denial and shutting down as I grew stronger and saw things more clearly.
The quotation from Courage to Change speaks to this as well (p.298): ...in Al-Anon I am encouraged to grow at my own pace. As I do, I find some of my defenses and ideas too tight, too limiting.
Happy & peaceful Sunday to you Mary and the whole MIP family. Thank you for your service, daily and ESH. I was so full of despair, sadness, anger and more when I arrived, I had extreme tunnel-vision and certainly was not willing or able to see clearly. It was not intentional, most likely it was all about self-preservation.
I was not hopeful when it was suggested to keep the focus on me, learn how to detach and set boundaries. After all, I did not want to change me; I wanted to fix, change/heal 'them'. I returned to my known mode of operation only to sink further down until I reached my own bottom.
My recovery has been slow and not always steady or forward. Doing what's suggested in our program and seeking clarity one day at a time to do the next right thing does feel more natural now yet I still, at times, have those fleeting thoughts of solving 'world hunger'. In hearing and sharing ESH with others in active recovery, I find that while some things are vastly different, some things are very similar. I'm grateful to have found a tribe that I call home, trust with my needs and can reach out to as/when needed.
Off to pick up curb-side groceries and then golfing this afternoon. We have another lovely spring day in my world and the sun is shining brightly. Make it a great day all...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mary for your service and experience with this topic.
Grateful for those who shared their stories too!
I particularly like "growing at my own pace."
Have a beautiful Sunday MIP!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Getting through the steps there are quite a few twists and turns along the way.
I had extreme difficulty letting go. Forgiving. Learning to live as I should be. Bu enow I am looking backwards a lot more- as far as the healing and learning is concerned. Having to deal with chronic pain, and cold sensations, as well- seemed impossible to me, coming through.
Self care was not an ingrained idea i grew up with. I needed to help and to rescue first. I lost a lot of my childhood- and lacked the natural milestones that teaches us our place in the world.
These times I am looking at, firstly- the rituals of encounter, and secondly the rites of passage that'll create healthy boundaries.
Places and spaces where i will feel comfortable. Where I find myself belonging.
I can shed useless ideas and attitudes in this environment. And acquire new.
I like best about this program is that there is no real cookie-cutter way of approaching it however I do believe the steps are numbered the way they are for a reason and I do believe that when I would see the ones winning and progressing, they had common ground of working the steps and the slogans and sharing and caring with others so I try to emulate what the winners are doing but I also put my own seasoning into my recovery stool because what works for them may not work for me in a particular approach
Coming out of denial was a big thing for me in that for the longest time I blamed myself in that I thought I must be defective to live such a crappy life but no! I was just a child in a bad place. My mother was just an innocent young beautiful college sweetheart who met and married evil and her only way of coping was to get drunk and stay that way as much as possible. I guess I coped in another way by rebelling And being a problem child but I always excelled in school because that was my escape my one place where I could get away from all of it. I dont know what I would do without this program and the community and fellowship inside of it
Denial for me is fantasy thinking. Everything's on it's way to being great no real changes required. A bit like feeding the pet tiger. Unfortunately it requires larger volumes of fuel which grows it and it's demand. Tigers do not make good pets.
For me the comfort of alanon is definitely around shame. There is none required to belong unlike alcoholism. Denial in the form of pretending is a defence to shame. When the shame goes the defences come down and then the work can commence.
Thank you so much for your service. For me denial was paramount. I most certainly could not embrace the alcoholic reality. In fact last year when I was merely around an alcoholic seeing his disfunction in.techmicolor was incredibly draining
Resources are so difficult to access when you are surrounded in chaos. I know many alcoholics who live in tremendous chaos. When I went to visit my cousin because I had a terrible flu he created a picture of serenity and calm and most of all hospitality. I get the and within 5 minutes all hell broke loose
One of any acquaintances enquired regarding my family of origin is about when I might visit them. Wild horses wouldn't persuade me to spend 5 minutes in any of.their homes.
In a similar fashion these days I adopt a similar view to those who are alcoholic and addicted or abusive (abusers being particularly adept at deceit)
Yet for a very long time I was incredibly invested in relationships with an alcoholic. I found a great real of familiar themes in those relationships
In order to detach I had to be willing to increase my skills. I had to be able to acknowledge how dysfunctional they were. Moreover what being around them cost me on so many levels
Every week I am finding ways to learn new skills. Thereafter my quality of life improves. The more I invest in my recovery the better I am
& 
Thanks Mary, Debbs, IAm and P. 
...