The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy Saturday MIP. Happy May too! Today's reading discusses how 'if only' thinking made our lives unmanageable, but a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Many of us who arrive at Al-Anon have put our happiness on hold for things beyond our control.
Our first step - admitting we are powerless over people, places and things leads us to replace these 'if onlys' that made our lives unmanageable with a belief that a Power greater than us could restore us to sanity. Many of us decided to surrender our 'if onlys' to this Higher Power and when we did, we stopped acting like victims, waiting for things around us to change. We chose to take a more active role in seeking happiness in the here and now.
Reminder: There are many areas of my life that I cannot change. What I can change is my attitude. Today I can accept my life as it is. I can be grateful and happy, here and now, with what I have.
Quote from Artur Rubinstein: "Life holds so much -- so much to be happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can be felt only if you don't set conditions."
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I have to raise my hand. I certainly put others in front of my own joy. Again, with hand raised, I had a list of 'if onlys'. This reading speaks to me simply because my experience with this program is summarized quite well. I, who typically have much to share from the heart is just sitting here with my head nodding.
It is in the first step, when I stopped just reciting it or reading yet and instead explored and embraced it that I found a bit of breathing room. I was and remain powerless over people, places and things. Each & every time that I try to insert my will and my wants/needs over another, my serenity and often my joy begin to slip. It doesn't take long for me to feel anxious, fear, sadness, anger, etc. - the unmanageable part of my own mind.
I choose one day at a time to be responsible for my joy. I choose one day at a time to treasure my serenity. I choose one day at a time to go to any lengths to not give away my power and peace to other people, places and things. We hear in recovery that what we focus on grows. I'm all about focusing my healing heart and soul on gentleness, kindness and empathy for self and others vs. all that's wrong with the world and others in it. Before I realized it was Saturday, and my day to share a daily, I was in the process of my gratitude list. This reading, for me, is just a 'bonus' as I work to fill my cup for the day ahead.
I'm off to cook an early brunch or late breakfast as I'm golfing at noon today. I'm spending extra time this week with my nephew, a veteran, with PTSD who's struggling to find a therapist after his dropped him. We are trying to find one that specializes in PTSD and addiction. Clearly, many are struggling -- we're running into many, many who are not accepting new patients. Those that are are booked solid for weeks/months.
Make it a great day. I would love nothing better than to fix my nephew and take away his flashbacks and pain. Yet, I have no power to do so. What I can do is pray for him, be of service in the search, spend time with him and be an example of choosing joy each day with unconditional acceptance and love. (((Hugs))) MIP family - find and keep your joy today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks IAH for your service and ESH. Prayers for your nephew. I lived with the "what if's" because although I was powerless, I didn't know it. I thought I could fix my A. And I thought fixing my a would allow me peace of mind and a healthy marriage. It has been an amazing journey, one that I am still on, to learn that I could fix myself. And so little by little, ODAT, that's the path I've chosen. And my thoughts and attitudes play such an important role. If I get stuck on anger, resentment, or fear, that's how I will feel. Choosing positive thoughts, gratitude, assets, humility, etc, is the better way to go . I can always focus on horrible things--there are plenty of them all around. But what's better is to focus on good things. And if I take the time to look within and all around, I can also find plenty of that.
"if only" I had read all these shares the other night. I was awake the entire night ruminating over all the "if only's" regarding basically everything that's ever happened in my life. If only I had a better childhood and hadn't been sexually abused, if only I hadn't been raised in an alcoholic home,if only I hadn't got married so young,if only he wasn't an A, if only this,if only that.....
I finally made the conscious decision to stop what I was doing and turn all that thinking over to my HP. It worked and I was finally able to fall asleep at about 6:30 A.M.
I felt so horrible and miserable while doing that kind of thinking. It made me so depressed and feel like life isn't even worth living. After I got sleep and thought about what I had done, to myself, I realized I really need to put a stop to that type of thinking right when it begins. It's amazing how powerful the mind is and to realize just how much we are in control of our own thoughts when we are consciously aware of what's going on.
It's going to be a warm sunny day here. I plan on being out in it and making this the best day I can.
Thanks lamhere for your service and all the shares. I pray the needed support for your nephew is found. Appreciate the "I am responsible for my own joy". I have spent the better part of the morning trying to get hubby to join me for a walk to a park to see cherry blossoms. He told me he's tired and I of course couldn't accept that. I looked at a photo of him as a toddler (trust me, Gerber baby's got nothing on him LOL) and realized he's 52 not 2! Checked the board and read inspiring shares. I'm now decked out in my fitness gear, excited to get outdoors, planning a healthy dinner (had told myself I'm not cooking for him today when I couldn't get my way). Wow. I'm one sick pup LOL. Anyways, enjoy the day and I fully intend to be glad and rejoice in it.
In the grief summit I have been to the 6th stage of grief is finding meaning. I most certainly have found a great deal of meaning and strength in recovery. Part of the choice of having gratitude is to be able to hold the good and the bad. I did not find much to be grateful for when I first joined the program
Guilt is part of grief. When my friend committed suicide some time ago I wondered if I could have helped him.
I now know I am not omnipotent. I.was trying to tahe care of myself at the time. Moreover suicide is often sudden and times out of the blue
I have stopped comparing my life to other peoples and moved into the way of acceptance
That is no.easy task
However I am willing to go to great lengths for my recovery
At one time I.went to.great lengths for others. I felt my life had meaning by helping others. Then when they betrayed me or trampled all over my boundaries I came to.wonder if they had any notion of recovery at all. Calling people names and trampling on their boundaries is never justified
There is a real dignity in self care. Self care begins and ends with boundaries
I can picture a meeting where I first hand about the 'if-onlys'... ...well, it was the 'what-ifs' and also the 'if onlys'...
Well I can recall the times later where I was locked up and lost in that process. This is what I identify now as C-PTSD.
This is the cunning and baffling space that once belonged to the A. But the focus had sifted to something I could change,
possibly, because, now, it was about me.
Thankfully, mostly, I can look back on this part of my journey... with grief resolved, and with deep and grateful relief.
There is still some way to go- but the hard yards are behind me.
This time last week i was heading off to the cemetery- to start the day- our veterans day.
Then to our local settlement- where I had set up the commemoration. There were on for two glitches- but everyone was in the same boat- coming out of lock-down. During the week I went to see our old Vietnam Colonel- who has passed on the commemoration role to me- and we had a debrief and a catch-up.
I no longer have to "fly blind". Hope for the best. I can be prepared, without being hypervigilant.
I am thinking about next year- and the next ANZAC day.
Alanon especially, has taught me how to delegate. To work forwards for succession. To pass it on- when needed...
Tiredtonight - your share really touched me today. I can relate almost completely. Thank you for sharing this!
I pray that your nephew finds the help he needs, Iamhere... thank you for your service!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you very much IAH for your service and your share and oh yeah the If onlys. If only this happened if only I had grown up in a better family if only my mother had stayed gone when she left him, if only if only if only and it did sap my strength and my joy what good I could find in the present I was immersed in the if only mentality so like tiredtonight said so beautifully she had 1 foot on the past and 1 foot on the future and missed out on the present and thats where I was, thank you tired for that beautiful share of yours that I really enjoyed reading along with this post and the other shares
I do grounding exercises I dont know if they would work for you guys but what I do when I catch myself not in the moment and not breathing and paying attention and Im either in the past or fearing the future, I make me stop right there and I asked myself what do I see? And then I answer myself and then I asked myself OK what do I hear? And then I answer myself and then I say OK what do I smell? And then I answer and then the what do I taste? And what do I feel? And so on and I do this little chat back-and-forth with myself and it forces me to stay in the present and then I get out the gratitude list and I think of stuff throughout the day to thank infinite spirit for like thank you for my abundance, thank you that I have groups to go to to share my cares with, thank you that I am healthy and OK today, thank you my needs are met and so on I just do it throughout the day to keep me in a positive and loving and healing and kind mode and that means to myself as well and then I share that self love with others
As someone with complex PTSD I can certainly understand dealing with trauma is terribly difficult. In fact many of us with traumatic stress disorder are also deal with traumatic stress grief. That #disorder# will be featured in the new DSM
Veterans are getting more services now but many of them do not receive the counseling and specialized treatments they need
One of the core issues for so many of us is validation
I know that for many of us with complex PTSD we have a frozen response to trauma. Our brain freezes up.
That has certainly been the case for me
While I would not say I live in the past much.of my work on dealing with alcoholism is about coming to terms with alcoholism in my family among people I saw as friends. That is in addition to significant relationships
I have been out from under any close association with an alcoholic for just about a year. Living with an active alcoholic last year as a roommate was exhausting, traumatic and rendered me confused and totally drained
The chaos an active alcoholic creates is formidable. My former roommate is a very high functioning alcoholic. Once he goes home he leaves the functioning at the door.
After that experience I have had to take my needs seriously. I am very grateful to have been able to recover
Needless to say my boundaries are pretty firm these days
My window of tolerance at being able to look at certain traumatic issues has friends. My window of tolerance regarding boundaries is stronger and more resolute than ever.
Thank you for your service. For those of us with post traumatic stress disorder who are committed to recovery (any lengths) we need peope who are supportive and open.
Thanks IAm... 
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