The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reader was sharing about Step 8 and 9 about making amends,but still felt some anger and resentment towards the Alcoholic and the non Alcoholic Partner. They asked shouldn't they make amends to them. That was how I felt in early recovery, I knew that I had been badly treated as a child, my childhood had everything in it, abuse of every kind, mainly toward me. I came into Al-Anon very damaged,full of pain, bitterness, and hate. One of the members told me that when she first got to know me that, she said that if anyone had of hugged me, I would have been like crystal, I would have smashed into pieces.
When I started to see the Steps, and especially about making amends to others, there was no way, I could do it, or even look at it. In my head and heart, so many of my family owed me amends. On continuing to go to my meetings, I started to feel guilty because I couldn't, but then I knew I didn't have any Peace, so I knew I had to find a way for me to get peace. The only way I could was to ask God to forgive me, because I couldn't forgive them. I was too scared to look at myself, as I had tried to show the world and everyone in it that I was perfect, but believing I was a defect inside.
But going to meetings and learning, slowly, I started to look at myself and start to see my part in all of it, I could see how I reacted to things, I didn't like what I saw, especially the harm that I caused my 3 children with my behaviour. I started to look at resentments, and who did it hurt, Me. I could see how the affects had brought out things in me that I didn't want to be, so decided to change for the better. I read once in an Adult Child Book that My Pain was given to me by others, but then it became mine it had my name on it. So I started to become the person, I wanted to be.It took time, but today I am pleased that I did all the work, and have become the person that I am proud of. I work Step 10 nearly all the time, keeping a check on myself and my attitude to see how I am doing, I have my moments. I think the big difference for me was when I started to really understand the Disease of Alcoholism, and why people, {Me as well} did what they did. I had so many answers to my questions.
I look at resentments as to someone holding a cat by the tail, the only person who is getting scratched is the person who is holding the cat. Also, I have heard that to have a resentment is to want to poison someone, but they themselves are taking the poison. In all of my Family, I am the only one to find Al-Anon, and I can see how the Disease and Effects have gone through so many generations, and it's not easy for me to live the way I want to live at times, but the Thought For Today on finishing the sharing is something that I take hold of and believe for me as well.
Thought For The Day.
With the help of Al-Anon, I gain courage to live with honesty and integrity, even if my family remains in the grip of Alcoholism.
Thank you so much for your open and honest and powerful share. In my situation I dont bother trying to forgive a cereal child predator, but all the rest of the people I did get with them in someway or form, the safe ones that is it, some of my family members, one in particular is unsafe so I just in a case like that, I just keep working my recovery and I just keep asking my HP to help me be honest as to what my part might have been in the break up of a relationship and to, if one is unsafe, let my amend be continuous work on me and continuous working on my defects that would cause me to keep re-offending against others like acting out in my anger or my fear or sticking my nose where it does not belong, my goal is to stay in my own lane and work on myself and daily step number 10 to make sure that I dont accrue more offenses for which I have to make amends. Of course a little helpless child does not owe any amend to her offender, the biggest amends I found that I owed word to myself and to my higher power, I hated myself and I treated myself terribly because I felt like I had to be terribly defective in order to have such evil be visited on me so the amends I had to make to myself were lots because of the harsh way I would criticize myself, my not being able to accept myself as I am in my not being able to see any good in me. As a child I think putting the blame on me was easier to cope with them to accept that I was in the midst of such evil and depravity. Now I look back at it and I see that I was just an innocent and powerless little girl who was caught in a spiders web
The program did, thankfully, enable me to forgive my alcoholic mother whom I know truly loved me but was in capable of saving her self so how could she save me? But when I had my mental breakdown from his stalking me when I did find a way to break free from him, he would chase me and stalk me. I couldnt take anymore and I had a complete mental break down and it was my mom who stood up to him and said that if he ever went near me again she would kill him and do her time in prison but I would be free. He did leave me alone after that because she was dead serious and she took care of me and nurtured me and protected me and helped me get better and went through all my medication adjustments and everything and loved me and supported me and just that alone helped me realize that I was loved by her and thank goodness for this wonderful program that enabled me to finally forgive this innocent victim of his evil who just couldnt even save her self and he ended up killing her
I now remember her with love and the good memories we had together. How we would climb trees together and she was in her 50s and here I am recovering from my break down and we are climbing trees together or we would ride our bikes together. We did everything together and my younger brother the alcoholic, would join in on our fun and she had him live with me in my flat when I was well enough to go back to my flat she had him live with me and the order was if the monster showed up in any way shape or form to put a call into her immediately. My brother and I talk about this and he assured me that he and I really were her favorites and I believe him now. So thanks to this program I can look at her with love and forgiveness for her not being able to even save herself much less me. And I can remember the fun times I had with her the mischief we enjoyed getting into. She was a good person and when he killed her she went to the happy place and was never hurt again and for that I am grateful though I still miss her
Thank you Wendy for your share and your honesty + the bonus daily. I arrived so darn angry at everyone and everything that I became angry at the program of Al-Anon. Anger was and had been my go-to reaction and emotion for so, so long - it's almost all that I knew/felt/breathed.
It took me a long while to shake off the 'what about isms' with regards to my relationships. I did not fully understand or appreciate that by changing me, life would improve. I thought this was hogwash and had no faith - in a higher power, the program, recovery from how this disease in others affects me...Yet, when the pain of doing things my way and the perpetual anger in my heart and soul became too much, I surrendered and began practicing small things suggested in Al-Anon.
From what I've come to understand, through working these steps and cleaning up my side of the street, my attitude/outlook/person has changed. I've had to learn the hard way that forgiving others, whether they ask or not, has nothing to do with them - it just frees up my heart to have more room for positive/healthy things. I no longer have any need or use for a heart full of anger and certainly prefer the person I am and am becoming over the one that first arrived at Al-Anon angry at the world.
Letting go of the past and choosing instead to be present is a form of grieving, at least it was for me. There are so, so many things I would change if possible about my life, my past, my actions, the actions of others, etc. yet this is not realistic and certainly not healthy. It's been a process of perpetual reminders that the past has passed and today is what matters. For me, my serenity and joy comes from the here/now and slips when I dwell on the past or project about the future, so I truly try to stay grounded in today.
As far as amends go, I've done the best I can. Not all were accepted and I'm certain more will be revealed as that's how recovery has happened to/for me. I go out of my way to be a joyful person and to treat all people I encounter with kindness and respect. Nothing warms my heart more than a grumpy old man at the golf course that turns his frown upside down simply because I waive and smile to say hello.
Love and light all - powerful testimony to how our program works....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have made a lot of amends- but family members have also made amends to me. Very subtle sometimes.