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My Q just wrote me a super long letter which he promises is the last one he'll ever write to me. He basically accused me of all the things wrong in the world and completely negated the effect of alcohol on anything.
This started with an argument in the morning and ended with this. At first my blood was Boiling. But then I took the time to read his letter. And I had to accept the fact that this is the work of a mind that believes that there is no way that alcohol could cause any problems in life. My therapist often says "before you get angry - think about it from his point of view. By divorcing him, you are creating a reality in which his last safety net is being removed. You, his #1 enabler, are exiting that position. He is going to lash out in whatever way he can to preserve himself."
I was instantly reminded: I can't cause or cure alcoholism. I can't control another person.
I want to add a couple other "Cs" to that list. I CAN attempt to control me. I CAN choose to live a healthy life for me, and do my best to provide it for my kids.
I was hurt by his words. No one likes hearing negative stuff about them, even if it's crazy. (At the rate my spouse is going, I'm probably to blame for the break up of Kim Kardashian's marriage, the acceleration of global warming, and food spoilage. Is your spouse/child/parent drinking? I probably caused that too. )
But in the end, I'm not going to accept his gaslighting as anything but what it is: his attempt to avoid the reality of his life.
I feel like I could have written that myself Fedora. With an editor's note of observation being if only an alcoholic put a fraction of the defence efforts allocated to their drinking, towads their families instead. Very unwell minds. That is most definitely his addict speaking, attempting to hook you back in so it can continue to get fed. I congratulate your calm and send you encouragement to remain so. He ought to take that letter to a therapist.
a4l my therapist has said many times that she wishes my Q would come back to therapy. (He went twice and declared himself cured and that therapy was just a waste of time.) I have my own joke that if Q would go back to therapy, my therapist could go out and buy that ranch she dreams about because he has enough issues to keep her in business for a long, long time.
You're doing great. Of course there are no "oughts" from a recovery perspective. There's something about alcoholic husbands including other people's that reduces me to caustic defences. It is so familiar!
I am used the role of scapegoat so I am certainly.aware of what it is. There is something about that role that firs well with me. I seek to.seek out that role. I have to.work hard not to be comfortable with it
Hi Fedora... Im jumping on your Cs bandwagon. My Q keeps telling me I cant possibly understand what is going in is his head to make him do the things he does - that because Im a normie I cant understand him.
so - four Cs,
cant comprehend it, didnt cause it, cant control it, and cant cure it.
-- Edited by Bbrave on Monday 26th of April 2021 12:08:40 AM
My A, who for many years was drinking and driving, slurring words, and having trouble with balance to get up to the second floor of house was in denial that there was any problem with alcohol. Fancy that!
Mini update on gaslighting ... today I received a new communication from Q, asking me to consider reconciliation. I also found a bottle of wine, half consumed.
If there is a better picture of "actions speak louder than words", I'm not sure what it would be. Oh well.
(((Fedora))) - so, so sorry for the insanity you're experiencing because of the disease. When the insanity rises around here, I am one who leans closer to my progress in this program as well as my program. I figure I have come too far to fall back down into the hole. I have no desire today to spend my energy trying to figure out why ANYone - alcoholic or not - does what they do when they do it. I tend to instead hold tight that I have my HP, they have their HP and each will be compelled to do what they believe is the best next thing.
One of my favorite things to do in these moments is return to Step One - reminding myself I am powerless. Sitting in judgement of another doesn't make me feel better, throwing blame/shame doesn't either. Gratitude, compassion, prayer and meditation help me stay in my own lane and repeatedly turning over the disease and the diseased to HP gives me peace.
My sponsor reminds me always that I always have choices - to answer the phone, to read the email/text, to respond/not, etc. I don't want my serenity/joy affected by the insanity of any other person, thus choose, one day at a time, to protect it however I possible can.
You got this. No doubt it's super sad to watch another we care about deeply have this disease and fight this disease, yet we truly are powerless. Trust your program, process, sponsor & HP. This too shall pass.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can so relate to the flip flopping of an alcoholic.
I have been separated from my AH for nearly 9 months now and he is still going between he wants me out of his life forever to he wants us to get back together again on an a regular basis. I know that it is within my power to choose not to get into those conversations and I frequently do say, nicely, that if that is the topic then I am going to end the call.
Like you actions speak louder than words and whilst I think my AH may have stopped drinking all the behaviours are still there and he is not seeking further recovery. That is his choice and I can also choose that I want to stay separated.
Incidentally all the time I am getting further and further into recovery myself and my self esteem is definitely higher than it has been for a while and I am willing and able to speak my truth and live my life according to my values.
It sounds like you have made great progress yourself and I wish you all the best on your journey. x
