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Hello family. Well the ink is not dry on my divorce. Actually I have to run into court and chase it up as we're not known for competence and the damn thing should have been called by now. As I'm back to work in another area of law from next week I will follow it up when I'm in for discovery duties . Perhaps being dressed appropriately will ease the sting of it.
Anyway. Although I have far larger and more pressing concerns on my agenda, such as my degree, my children, and recovering from dengue which is still wiping me out physically, I'm still feeling sad and maudlin about love.
I'm sad I don't love my children's father anymore. That is the stupidest thing I've ever written but it's true. Perhaps it is my stubborn nature which doesn't like to let go at the best of times, knowing all too well that once you release the helium balloon you will never hold it ever again.
Then I start wondering if i will ever love anyone again and whether anyone will love me. And if i can even be bothered.
I know it all will happen in it's own time. I guess I'm just feeling a bit sad about the last decade of my life and realising how affected by another person's alcoholism I truly have been.
It is amazing how quickly life flies by and how fast one can sink without realising it at the time. So much insanity.
Dear A41
Certainly divorce is a very leveling experience. When I finally got the divorce (which was some time ago) I most certainly found the experience bittersweet
I certainly know how devastating alcoholism can be.
Alcoholism most definitely caused me tremendous harm abs great grief
In fact I am in the middle of another grief course at the moment. Grief is a process and I need skill to navigate it
In AA there is a saying that they went any length fir their addiction. I go any length for my recovery. Every day all day.
No matter what
Huge amounts of hugs to you!!! Your post resonated with me so much today b/c I too am feeling more than "blue" because I no longer am in love with my kid's father. My divorce will be 3 years in August. 3 years just flew by in a blink of an eye! Although, I cannot really count COVID Year, as that seemed like a global walking nightmare - there wasn't any of the usual "markers" in my life to watch the passing of time... everything just stopped (except work). And the first year was me just trying to right my boat and get back on my feet. It seemed like it was truly survival. Now I am relatively peaceful and beginning to see some financial stability - despite no alimony. So I seem to have more time to reflect. I feel odd for the sadness that I carry, as I was the one who wanted out and couldn't handle the chaos one more minute! I did 2 Step 4's and realized that I couldn't live with lies and uncertainties... I need stability after so many years of instability. So divorce was the right decision for me... my head knows that. My heart on the other hand...well, I know you know the feeling.
I particularly felt your words here: "... knowing all too well that once you release the helium balloon you will never hold it ever again." This was very poignant. It reminded me of all the times I would see balloons floating in the sky, and children wailing that they lost them. I can feel like that child sometimes.
My "go-to" in times like that... "This Too Shall Pass." I know, sounds trite. But I have found it to be true. I have also found that concentrating on my Gratitude List is a very good thing to get me out of my melancholy mood.
Adding your share to today's Gratitude List!
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((a4l))) - grief is grief. So many equate grief to a death yet grief is larger and much more complicated than that. I am so glad I had a sponsor that pointed out that we grieve at the loss of people, places, youth, relationships, and much, much more! She gave me permission to allow myself the time for my head and my heart to align; time takes time.
I recall after my first divorce, I swore off men, relationships, etc. I felt so sad, mad and damaged by the experience, and as wrong as the marriage was, the divorce was much more painful. I did take quite a bit of time to just be with me, as I'd never really done that. I had had a guy in my life from when I left home until this divorce. I had truly not grieved/analyzed/processed any of 'them' to better understand why I struggled in my intimate relationships. Again, time takes time.
Life is so funny and certainly the God of my understanding has a wicked sense of humor. When I 'gave up' on men/relationships, almost any/all males I met wanted to go out. When I felt I was ready again to explore the dating world, nobody was available/interested. I was fearful for a while of being single, then I was fearful of being married. In due time, when I was truly ready, I met my current guy.
He's far from perfect; so am I. In spite of the disease and the damage it's brought to this marriage, I still feel I am where I am supposed to be, just for today. Take your time and allow yourself to just go through it. I didn't have kids in my first marriage and can't relate to that aspect of divorce - can only imagine it just makes it that much harder to grieve. Hang in there - (((Hugs)))...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh wow it was so lovely to wake up to everybodies esh. Thank you MIP family. I had my first day back at work this morning in a long time, just getting familiar with a software system. Driving in I felt a vulnerability which is no longer familiar to me and I didn't like it. I'm 40 still not qualified with lots of children. Now usually I am defiantly confident. I re-read Getting Them Sober and it triggered a heap of memories. I've been effectively separated for four years so I'm grateful that there's been ample time to transition into single parenthood and there's no disputes over custody and child support which really helps. I will do some work on self forgiveness and self care. I should have walked properly years ago. Oh well. I'm here now and I will rebuild. Thank you all again for sharing your processes I feel less alone and take confidence from knowing others have done this. Xxxxx
A4l what was given to me outside of a meeting by a member I feel understood best in the room is, "LOVE is the COMPLETE AND TOTAL ACCEPTANCE of every other person FOR EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE".... That is a usual slogan for me and with my Higher Power. There is no sillyness today in the manner I love. Love you completely.
afl - I found something in a thrift store very shortly after I had left my spouse, home, stuff. I had gone back to school to get a better paying job and was feeling very vulnerable and not confident at my age (I was the oldest in my class)... it was a wall hanging that read:
SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD, AND SHE DID!
I grabbed that thing like it was gold, and I haven't let go!! It is on my wall next to my bed, and I look at it every morning.
Every time I let doubt creep in, my HP guides my gaze to that plaque.
Wishing you peace & self-confidence this weekend!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
There is nothing silly about your share, I think it is one of the sweetest and bravest and honest shares Ive seen about someone going through the end of a 10 year relationship, yeah youre going to be sad, yeah it sucks to lose and have to give up something even if its bad, it feels still like a loss and you will grieve.
Even things I have given up for the better for me because some thing or someone or some ideal was not working for me to throw in the towel and give it up is a loss and a loss I grieve over my losses thats how I get to move on and move forward. I liked your share
I well remember getting a copy of the divorce certificate. It was most definitely bittersweet
My ex husband who became ot a therapist and a long term recovering alcoholic remained very resentful about our marriage. He concocted some narrative to justify his point of view .
It is indeed a very significant step to be divorced. I am glad you are reaching out to gain support
& 
