The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's share in Courage to Change is by someone who did not feel any feelings, or as they learned in Al-Anon, had lost touch with their feelings through years of living with alcoholism. Not having feelings was like "being dead," but as they began to recover and to experience their feelings. it was so uncomfortable that they thought they were getting sicker. But gradually the discomfort passed. They realized that feelings trapped inside were poisonous, but feelings released were part of their vitality.
Today's reminder: Today I will stop from time to time to see how I feel. Perhaps the day will bring joy or perhaps sadness, but either will remind me that I am very much alive.
Quote from Kahlil Gibran: "I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes; nor would I be content with converting my tears ... into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be tears and laughter."
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I am probably not as balanced as Kahlil Gibran; I prefer the laughter feelings to the tears feelings. But I will admit that I appreciate my blessings and happiness so much more because times have not always been good. Feelings of anger have propelled me to change things in my life. Sadness -- well, I am still working on how to see the positive in that one. I'm sure it is there, I just haven't quite met it yet. Maybe it helps me have empathy for others. Maybe it is a reminder that I need self-care.
There have been times when I had to mute my feelings just to get through a traumatic experience. I suppose the trick is to be able to un-mute them once the danger has passed.
Some feelings are "a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there." I have heard the slogan, Feelings Aren't Facts -- but, since feelings are real, I would prefer to say, Feelings Aren't Forever. That's been a fact in my experience.
Thank you for the service and the share Freetime. I love Gibran especially " On children " which was on a former attorneys wall and in hindsight, uplifted my spirits into a place of acceptance around a trauma I couldn't prevent. Trauma and feelings are related for me. I learned to dissociate from my feelings and environment at a very young age. I am still today not certain if the way I feel my feelings is "normal". I think I have learned to stuff feelings and then when I can't stuff them anymore I experience them intensely and I am afraid of my feelings for thst reason. I find it hard to move on from how I feel. Once I've moved on I don't like to be reminded . Emotional pain takes my breath away. Joy feels so good I never want it to end. I don't like losing and I don't like powerlessness. I suppose I am aware now that my feelings are an internal warning system. And sometimes it is necessary for me to revisit some feelings to make sure i don't go down that road again especially with alcoholics.
Thank you FT for your service and for both above shares on this important topic. For me, I only felt bad for years--bad=no self-esteem, depressed, hopeless, less than, stupid, ugly, etc. I almost never felt good and after so many years of the misery, I didn't want to feel good. I couldn't take the going back from good to horrible again, so it was easier to just stay miserable. After my education and then career in mental health, I started to feel better about myself because I had compassion for others and saw I could make a difference. At times there was laughing with clients or colleagues, but my true allowing of a range of feelings came with the practice of program and having had a wonderful sponsor. She gave me permission to feel a range of emotion, including peace and joy and self-love. Grateful member always.
Thank you Freetime for this brilliant share today, and to all of those who were brave and answered your query!
"Feelings Aren't Facts" is the one slogan that I cannot make peace with in this program. Because of this, I have chosen to ignore that one, and I chuckle to myself when I see people post about it. For me, feelings are indeed real. So I really like your interpretation of this slogan: "Feelings Aren't Forever."
Now THAT I can work with! LOL!
Working with my sponsor, I have come to the realization that I "pack away" my feelings. I may feel them intensely at first, but then I mentally open drawers in my mind and pack them away. Some I forget about - but they come back to haunt me. Others I purposefully unpack - which brings on resentments. I am on a quest to relearn how to handle feelings in a healthier way... resentments or C-PTSD symptoms are no way to live my life!
It has helped me to remind myself that I may not understand or know fully my HP's reason for the feelings. I may never consciously know the lesson... and that is OK. That has been hard for this gal who has the "need to know." But I am trying. Now I can add a new tool... "Feelings Aren't Forever."
Progress not Perfection.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Feelings....boy that's a good topic. I like the slogan feelings aren't facts. Although what I am feeling at any given moment is definitely real it doesn't mean it's appropriate or factual to the situation. I may 'feel' alone but it doesn't mean I actually am alone. I may 'feel' worthless but it doesn't mean I actually am. And so on and so on. I am trying to analyze what I am feeling when I am feeling it, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. When I am mad ,If I can take the time to think about it I can ask myself what am I really mad about,do I have the right to be mad,is it something that was intentional,etc. it's easier to let go of.If I am feeling useless,worthless,stupid,etc, I can sure spiral down fast by accepting those feelings as facts if I don't question them,etc.
I learned to feel with the help of my therapist, both good and bad. I would much rather feel all good things, of course we all would. The bad are hard to allow myself to feel still, well not really allowing myself to feel them but finding ways to deal with them and not react to them.
I have a guided meditation that says feelings come and go constantly and the trick is to allow them to pass by like water flowing through a river, without always having to stick something in the water and catch that flow or to stop it. Makes sense in the meditation and when I am visualizing it in my head. It's a little harder to describe it here though.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Friday 23rd of April 2021 09:48:20 AM
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Numb is the best word to describe how I 'felt' when I hit my bottom. I was raised in a home where we stifled most feelings and certainly didn't openly discuss them. I chuckle every day when I check in on my parents - as they are at an advanced age/stage, I ALWAYS say I love you in my closing. It's taken them a long, long while to say it back vs. a 'me too'. It's just the way we rolled as a family.
I am one who does embrace 'Feelings aren't facts'...I was not a fan either when my feelings returned and I felt very justified with my hurt, my anger, my pain, etc. For me, the problem is when things were not rosy, I felt like a failure. The facts are that I am not a failure, I am a human who has little control over anything besides me.
I know that I do best to feel my feelings - good, bad or indifferent - and then move on about my day. I woke up sad this morning for no particular reason. As a former super reactive person, my want is to ignore the feelings and go about my day doing anything but sitting with my feelings. It serves me better to just own it, talk about it, write about it and pray about it. Lastly, it is in recovery that I've learned that it's perfectly OK to be sad, mad, happy, joyful, grateful and many other states....my goal remains to hold tight to my serenity and the program has allowed me to feel as I feel yet still be serene simply by keeping my focus on me vs. others.
Happy Friday all - last cool day weather wise here. I'm ready for some warmer temperatures and some continuous sunlight....starts tomorrow!! Love and light all - I'm off to find some breakfast and then do whatever seems like the next right thing.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sunnyfrogs - The description of the meditation sounds perfect for me! I like the visual it gives me... a smooth flowing stream w/o any sticks to catch the flow!
Thank you!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all family for your ESH on the feelings topic one of which I am dealing with now. To say that is to admit that I am dealing with feeling and to also admit that means I am dealing "after the facts". I admit that I responded to my wife angrily or resentfully shortly ago and spent my night dealing with the emotions and thoughts which brought on the resentments with HP. I alerted HP that I was turning all of my thoughts and feelings over to him and that I was sorry they were all negative.
So I didn't sleep well and am not doing my life now very well either.
"Feelings are inward reactions to outside events" is one slogan I learned long ago which happens to feel being repeated at the moment. I am feeling resentful and that means spiritually sick also and that means unwillingly crawling thru hell even when I don't have to or want to...STUCK!!
I can blame and justify and these are glue and weight to keep me practicing martydom which I will not walk away with the title "Saint".
Dear Freetime. GREAT post. I do this little exercise to make sure that I am grounded and with my feelings throughout the day, I ask myself what do you see? And I tell myself what I say and then I ask what do I hear and I give the answer, what do I smell? And I give the answer and so on down to the taste and how do I feel and its helping me stay in my feelings and I kind of take an issue with that statement feelings are not facts, I think feelings are there for a reason either I am working through something old and painful or maybe a new loss or a new Hurt by life or by somebody and I be with my feelings now, I let them feels so I can release them
Like you , I used to Mute my feelings and all I did was get invoiced later and harder because when I stuff my feelings my body keeps score I feel so much better even though I might appear to be acting out venting my anger, I feel better getting it out and dealing with it and talking with myself about it and connecting with my higher self within like what can we do to have a different perception or what I need to do to take care of me. Thank you so much for your service and this fantastic post. I really needed to read this
Actually I have found the more I grieve the more I can get in touch with joy. Grieving is a skill I take classes on how to grieve. I tahe classes and study everything I can.
I think the slogan #feelings are not facts# comes from the founders recognizing that dysregulation is at the heart of the addiction. For the alcoholic it is essential to manage their symptoms in order to stop drinking. For the codeoen and not it is another matter. For some of us we need to feel our anger and sadness about the alcoholic's behavior
It is really crucial to keep in mind this program is decades old. The program was created before trauma was acknowledged.
Trauma is part of most people's lives. Living with an alcoholic is definitely traumatic stress. There are feelings if helplessness. There is no way to control another's addiction
The founders of AA and al anon did their best. As adults we have to research and find tools for ourselves. We have to look outside the program often for those tools and strategies
However there are times when it is appropriate to be dyregulated. We all do not sail through life
However my own dysregulation is much better. I am no longer the reactive person I was. Of course part of that is my boundaries. I no longer entertain people who behave inappropriately.
I cannot say it is all due to al Anon. I have been in therapy. I study psychology voraciously. If you have been abused and
I somehow survived then you have definitely gone to any lengths to get to a place of even being able to entertain recovery
So I most certainly relate to the quite. The more turn inward the better I am. However there are most certainly bumps along the road.
Nevertheless for me it does not get easier. My recovery is 24/7 day in day out. I cannot let up because I have so much to process
& 
thanks for it Sunnyfrogs.
