The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For many months I have suspected that my husband had become active again. And for the most part I was doing very well with things. However, in recent weeks he has continued to raise the bar of his actions & behaviors against me. Simply because I wont give him what he wants and that is an arguement. I refuse to argue with someone who has not capabilities to have intelligent discussion about what are the real issues. I will not argue false or created issues.
With all of that being said, I have had the awareness today that I have allowed his disease to consume me yet again. I have allowed myself to become consumed with anger. Anger at myself, at him, at this insideous disease, at anyone within striking distance. I fought so very hard to release the years of pent up anger I had developed, yet now I find that that ugly emotion has snuck back into my core being. I try to seperate his words from the person and the disease talking. However, those hurtful nasty things are feuling the anger. What is that they say about some lessons are harder to learn?
I have asked my HP for release from this emotion as it serves me no good. I have asked that I can find tolerance and understanding to take its place. I have to remind myself everyday that I will not become a victim to this disease again. I have to let go, turn my husband over to his HP and pray for me. I cant talk to my husband now. I dont know if I will when I get home. I dont want to say things I will regret out of my probably misplaced anger. So I also have asked HP to keep one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth!!
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Hello, Alamom, Thank you for being here and for your post. I can really relate to being consumed with anger. That is how I lived most of my life. For me, it often turns into depression. What I have learned through working the steps is that there is no bad feeling. Feelings are simply feelings. Some of them are very difficult to have, but feelings come and go. Acceptance is a powerful force.
It sounds as if you have reason to be angry. Anger is telling us something. I hope you will make it to a face to face meeting, and I truly hope you are working the steps. They are the work that changes us, they really work!
Someone very wisely told me something this morning... when you finish working the steps you are not done working your program. Since there are triggers all around us we must constantly keep our serenity in mind and exercise those new muscles to keep them strong.
The fact that you have slipped into an old pattern is non uncommon I would think. I do it 2 or 3 times a day because my program is not very strong yet.
But you have a wonderful foundation and a great group of chearleaders here. Be gentle with yourself and remember we are here for you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
