The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In Nov 05 my husband told me he was using cocaine. (some of you know my story). He already had a problem w/alcohol and has had since I have known him. It seems that since he told me he was using coke, his dirty little secret is out, he doesn't even try to fight the addiction. He used to stay gone for 24 hours but now he stays gone for days at a time. He was fired from his 1st ever job in early Jan for job abandonment. He stayed unemployed for over a month. Then he started working part time delivering pizzas at night and a week or 2 after that started another full time job that was 100% commission. That 1st month there he brought in about $1600 total as a pre-pay loan against his next month's commission. He managed to get fired from the pizza place after 1 month for being a no show too many times and after 2 months from his full time job for the same reason. So basically in the last 4 months he has only work about 6-8 weeks. He just started a new job Mon that he has been trying to get for the last year - another commission job. And last night he didn't come home. All night & day so far I am thinking he either dragged his sorry butt to work, called in sick or was a no show. Either way it goes, he risks being fired AGAIN.
He told me last week that he was not snorting coke but smoking crack. His excuse is b/c it doesn't mess his face up like snorting. I may be wrong and I know that any form of cocaine is BAD but isn't smoking crack worse?? I am starting to really worry about safety now. He has not shown any aggression around me or the kids other than his typical grumpy moods. But I am figuring that b/c his frequency is increasing then things could start to get really ugly very soon. At first I was only worried about finances and what he was doing to us, about where he was getting $ to keep up this habit, etc. Now I am beginning to worry that danger could come home to my family either from him or from people he is hanging with (I have never met any of them, don't know who they are).
I am trying to get my house ready to sell. I have been doing this for 3 months now. Not making much progress. He is 1/2 through installing an air handler under the house. He ran into some problems & just quite so he could go get high. He hasn't gone back to the job yet. He also started tearing down dry rotted boards from around the roof of our house, saying he needed to replace it but hasn't done anything but make it look worse. My plan is to sell the house & get out on my own. He knows this is a possibility b/c I have told him but I think he thinks I won't follow through. I am to the point that I know I need to get a divorce in order to save myself & my kids & any kind of future I expect us to have. I am scared that my husband will lose it if I file and tell him my plans before I can actually leave. And I cannot leave until I sell & get a new place.
I did finally open a P.O. Box to have my mail sent to but I can't have his mail sent there w/out him signing it. This is fine b/c my goal is to make sure I get everything that is mine. He hasn't hidden any mail from me yet....or at least I had thought as of yesterday. But this morning I found a credit card bill of his hidden in his papers for $550 that is due NOW. I can't figure out what he planned on doing w/it. He has no access to money or atleast that I know of. I am paying all of the bills. So was he just going to ignore it? Probably so. And why did he hide it? What did he buy? It was from Cabela's Visa....so I can't figure out why he would hide it unless he somehow managed to get a cash advance. He threw out the statement & only had the payment stub. I cannot access it on-line w/the exp date of his card & the verification code on the back.
My whole point to this post I guess is to convince myself to get a move on. I have got to get off my butt and make a change NOW. The longer I wait the harder it is going to be. Thanks for listening everyone.
it always stikes a chord with me when someone says their signifigant other is a crack addict. that's my husbands drug of choice. crack is everything it is said to be. the studies that have been done on crack addicts and how it affects their mind are down right scary. as with any addiction it is progressive. over the past 12 years my h has had periods of good sobriety when working the program. but being progressive his disease has become terrifing for me and for him. the lenghts he will go to to get high are unfathomable. used to be just scamming family for money, then selling stuff we weren't using, then "renting" out the car to dealers, then stealing from others and god only knows what he is doing now to get it. i was so sick in my own disease being addicted to him that it has taken me this long to finally leave. i had left in the past a few times onlyto return. but i guess that's the way i had to do it to get to where i am today. peaceful with my decisions. it's this program that's for sure. i would suggest that you check out the facts and studies on crack specifically just so you can be armed with info and know that you are not the crazy one. i believe addiction is addiction but i also believe that the drug of choice can make a difference in particular behaviors and that's what we need to protect ourselves from. good luck and remember that whatever is happening today, whatever you decide to do today is all for a reason even if we don't know yet what that reason is. lots of peace and hugs sent to you! keep yourself safe at all costs.
Serendipity - thank you for replying. I am feeling so lost today. Most days I feel pretty strong but this week has taken a toll on me for some reason. I just want out. I feel so trapped and I just want to get away. I need peace of mind for myself & for the kids. My head feels foggy this week...I cannot concentrate on anything. All the things I need to do are bouncing around in my head and my time is running out. I feel it.
My husband is also a crack addict. He was never violent - the problem was finances, mostly. Also the way it just took over his life, so that the man I married was just not there anymore at all. he really just didn't give a damn about anything other than getting high.
I had two rules, and two only - no smoking it in the house in front of the kids, and no dealing. If his buddies came over to get high or to sell him drugs, they hung out in the garage. There were several people who were not welcome in our house at all, and a couple who were, but only if they were not smoking. If I had known then what I know now, I also would have protected myself better financially.
To me, in many ways, his heavy crack phase was better than the drink-to-blackout-every-night one which proceded it. He was not bad to have around when smoking crack, not scary and violent and abusive like he had been when drinking. he was just not really there....
lin - you mentioned having 2 rules, well I have not necessarily established "Rules" per say but my AH knows how I feel about certain things. I told him NEVER under any circumstances bring his drugs into my house, NEVER come home high, NEVER bring your drug buddies to my house EVER. I have to protect myself but more than that, my innocent kids. And just being a witness to such behaviors could damage them mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I REFUSE to allow that to happen. They are already being affected by his disappearances and lack of involvement in their lives.
