The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is summed up in the Thought for the Day: I cant turn something over until I truly own it.
The writer describes having difficulty with the word sanity in step two. His/her sponsor suggested making a list of all the things that were done to try and control the alcoholism the writer grew up in. Seeing the list was a revelation about the insanity involved with trying to control; the sponsor then suggested the list be torn up. Although this was a relief, the writer still hadnt truly let go. The writer realized then that the present insanity was not being able to feel compassion for him/herself because of past behavior. The Serenity prayer helped the writer see that while the past could not be changed, it was possible to increase the level of serenity by making peace with it. The writer saw that the ability to do this was in looking at the past, writing it, sharing it, seeing the purpose in it with help of HP, releasing it and acceptance.
I have found myself perseverating over past conversations, situations, events, etc and allowing myself to feel the same level of emotion I felt when the scenarios took place the first time around! Sometimes, especially if I am having difficulty letting go of something that I feel a level of guilt about, I will just remind myself that we are all doing what we can at any given time- and sometimes that includes mistakes and missteps. I remember hearing for the first time about how character defects may have served us at a certain time in our lives, but are no longer needed. It was helpful for me to think about them in this way- that certain traits that I pay attention to and work on, at one time may have been a help to me and now that my life is less chaotic- the traits dont work for that same purpose.
The quotation from From Survival to Recovery (p.88) sums this up nicely: I dont regret the past because I am turning my painful history into todays blessings and strengths.
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Happy Sunday to you and the entire MIP family. It took me a long while to let go of so many things, simply because when I revisited them, I had this 'Yeah, but' mentality. Each time that thought or those words came forward for me, I was negating my part and possibly the reality of the situation.
Control could have been my middle name; actually could have been my first name. From deep within, I had a burning desire to control everything/all things as I felt this would be best for everyone. As I read that sentence, it is rather insane yet I still felt for so, so long that I had a measure of control over other people, places and things.
My peace comes from better understanding and accepting that I truly only have control over me and how I face each day. When I use the Pause (my favorite tool), so often now I can clearly see that I have no skin in this game and have no need to respond, offer advice, etc. I can always offer support/service when asked and I do choose to pray for others often as I do have faith in a power greater than I.
I believe that every event/encounter I have had and will have in my life is necessary for me to be me. I am open and willing to keep learning, growing and changing simply because I've felt grace and serenity as a part of my recovery journey. I am exactly where I am supposed to be today, and am hopeful always for a better tomorrow.
Enjoy your day all - we're supposed to have a bit more snow this week so we're off to golf this afternoon. Tomorrow, we celebrate 30 years of marriage. We plan to golf and grill steaks. Nothing more, nothing less and that's my idea of a great day. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mary for your service. Right now, I am a mass of contradictions and your post gave me a positive shift. Happy anniversary Iamhere...you're a blessing in my journey. Have a fantastic day. Going for walk...freedom allowed in our stay at home order...lol
Thank you Mary for your service, and to Iamhere, Daffodils, and Debb for sharing your thoughts.
I am currently working on accepting that I have built up resentments of my Ex for things he did and didn't do during last year. It stems from having expectations of how I thought our post-divorce relationship should go. I am being asked to act as if last year didn't happen, and I just can't seem to do that at the moment. Over the last year, I have come to realize that no contact or very little contact seems to be best for me. For the past 2 years I have been trying my best to be that "perfect Ex." Understanding, accepting, supportive, kind, forgiving, etc. All the while, denying myself. I recently realized that behavior was MY modus operandi my entire marriage... perhaps my entire life! I cannot remember a time when I didn't try to be "that perfect whatever" to whomever was in my life. And then silently berating myself when it never happened... b/c you know... no one is perfect! This realization made me terribly sad and depressed.
This week the realization that I am NOT the "perfect" Ex-spouse - that I still have resentments... that I still am mourning the loss of my marriage/partner... that I still am angry at my Ex for ruining "everything,"... that I could not/cannot accept my spouse/Ex just as he is, is weighing heavily on me. My sponsor tells me I need to forgive myself first, then I can begin to forgive others... seems hollow right now. What do I need to forgive myself for? - For picking the wrong partner all those years ago? How was I to know? He wasn't addicted at the time. - For always giving him another chance? Don't people deserve the benefit of the doubt? - For using the tools I had to try and normalize an abnormal situation? Can anyone blame me? We had a kid. Someone had to be the "adult" & I couldn't just walk away.
Wow. That got away from me! I guess this topic hit a sore spot... or I had stuff I needed to get out. Thank you for being here MIP. Thank you for this safe space.
I am feeling very depressed over this. I guess I don't want to accept myself. I am going out into the sun-shiney, windy day to ground myself to nature. That always makes me feel better, and my planter box needs filling. Thank you for listening to me.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
My life with my oarents didnt have one day of any semblance of normality. Unfortunately with my qualifier there was never one moment of normality either.
The issue is for me I was already having to deal with challenges. Challenges at work, challenges with my health, challenges with finances. The qualifier',s alcoholism and addiction swallowed up all those challenges. Every day in everyday he had to have some form of crisis. I could count on him for less and less as time went by. The other issue being that he had an incredible sense of entitlement. His entitlement obliterated every boundary.
So I was already challenged. I still am challenged every.day. I have extraordinary challenges being an essential worker during a pandemic
No person can deal with those kind of challenges. The fights that I had with the qualifier were full of resentment. However today I think they were not based on reality. The qualifier never could make any good decisions because his whole life was consumed with his addiction
I most certainly never could see him as an addict alcoholic.
He had most certainly had many catastrophes in his life which attested to his addiction I still saw his addiction as a personal affront.
Of course there days. I have a life that is not exactly floating in serenity. I have many many many challenges
Nevertheless this time of challenge has brought many insights that have led to my change in attitude. My attitude towards the alcoholic these days includes more compassion. However that compassion is possible because I bo longer rely on any alcoholic to be responsible.
I am well aware of how absolutely draining it is to be round an alcoholic. I spent 4 months dealing with one last year. I was completely exhausted st the end of those 4 months
I think it is entirely normal to be extremely angry at the alcoholic. However there is a choice of how you deal with that anger. For me these days that anger leads me to put more effort into myrecovery. That anger helps me to set and hold boundaries
However the management of my anger is possible today. That was not possible in the past. I was in an entirely unmanageable place.
Thanks so much for your service and oh boy can I relate to the addiction to control if I am not in control 100% of the time I still act out. Like if something doesnt work, or something resist me I get so triggered and I act out and really Ive been reading the Psalms the protection ones because Ive got to own all of this stuff before I can do behavior modification to change this acting out the old stop, breathe, weight is still foreign to me and I too am mad at myself for the stupid things I did to sabotage me and I know it was because I was so mentally ill but now its like with this CPTSD, I cant slow down and pay attention and I do these stupid things and have these dumb accidents and I get so angry with me like how do you change that? I just have to just start over when I screw up and have a bad day, re-boot and start over. I know this was kind of off the topic A bit but thats what I thought of when I read your post. Thank you for your service
& 