The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel the need for a little background to set the stage. My mom is and was an alcoholic my entire life. My father, though he was not in my life until the age of 27 and died in 2016, was also an alcoholic. My mother always felt the need to fill some hole in her life with men. All the men that she dated/married while I lived with her, until age 11 when I moved in with my grandmother because of what was going on, were also alcoholics and violent. At the age of 6, I was put into the situation of having to be an adult child because of the things that were going on.
Now because of what happened with my father, I am in a precarious situation. Growing up I didn't realize just how entitled and narcissistic my mother was, but now that I'm an adult I can see it clearly. That doesn't mean I don't still love her. She refuses to accept that she has a problem, though. She refuses to change or get help. My sister, who has a different father than I, has cut ties with my mother. They live in the same state, I live in a different one. That does help with being away from her toxic behavior. I have made the decision that if she blows up at me one more time then I will cut ties with her as well, but that doesn't leave me with a good taste in my mouth. She is my last living parent! I want to have a relationship with her. I want her to have a relationship with my son, but I also want those relationships to be healthy. Hence the feeling of being stuck.
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"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
I've found that having a relationship with an alcoholic and or narcissistic parent is possible provided you understand it may not be the relationship you want; ie a warm, loving and respectful one. My own narcissistic mother demands full obedience and subservience to her skewed alcoholic viewpoints. When she doesn't get It, she becomes abusive, manipulative and is not above leaking her toxicity to her grandchildren. There is a sense of obligation I feel toward her nonetheless. I can relate to a lot of your share. If there were therapy available to me in my location to navigate this relationship even now at the age of 40, I would take it. Take care.
Aloha Goddess and welcome to the family. This is my family while I admit I wass born and raised into the other side of addiction to alcoholism and drug addiction. My family of origin did not know the words alcoholism and addiction and I didn't either till I got here....I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know until I found the front door my first Al-Anon meeting and was able to sit down and just listen with my poorly educated mind. You can tell by my welcome that I am not american born...I come from islands in the Pacific and thoughts, feelings and action regarding alcohol and drinking were just reduced to the word "drunk" and I was punished severely if I used that word in addressing a parent or family member....it was a moral judgement and wrong.
I needed another family and after years found Al-Anon and have stayed and listened and practiced, practiced, practice and attached my mind, body, spirit and emotions to every source of suggested help including college, sponsors, and much more. I've spent years doing service to others who were like me and reached out for help...I continue to do that along with practicing the program on a daily basis using many of the tools provided.
I am glad you are here and as previously offered I hope you continue to return and learn from this family fellowship.
Bless the sick alcoholic family members you have been use to. ((((hugs))))
Hi Goddess, welcome here.
I understand and relate with you.
You don't have to make a final decision about being or not being in a relationship.
You can decide just for today what you are willing to take and what you are not willing to take. You can decide just for today if you answer the phone or not, if you contact someone or not. It's not black and white.
I learned that I could only deal with the present, and on known terms, but can't guess what people will do tomorrow and how they will evolve.
We are here to support you, and writing is a mervelous tool for listening to yourself and defining what serves you and what doesn't.
Welcome to MIP Goddess - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can relate to feeling stuck and it's not a comfortable place for me. I've always been a doer, high-energy, problem-solving kind of gal so feeling stuck just doesn't compute in my brain.
Alcoholism is a family disease, also progressive. It's considered cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Most of the time, all family members are affected - often in ways unknown. There's a ton of information on the official Al-Anon website about the disease, the diseased, the family, the cycle, etc. There's also a ton of information about our illness and our recovery from the affects of the disease.
Each person deals/heals differently, yet we use the same/similar tools. There is no right/wrong answer - we just share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other and practice what's suggested. The only way I know how to move when I feel stuck is to focus on me and my needs/recovery, and take some action - large or small.
Please know you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My husband suggested that since I have space away from my mother and don't talk to her often, I don't have to make any hard decisions about my relationship with her. I just need to grieve the loss of the relationship that I thought I was going to have with her and accept what is and love her for where she is when I deal with her.
I'm in therapy even at my age of 38.
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"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
I just wanted to also welcome you to MIP.
I also wanted to say it's "OK" to be in therapy, no matter the age!
Sometimes humans need that outside opinion to see beyond what is in our brains!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hi Goddess... I always love writing... and I read a lot when i was a kid.
