The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lovely share and spot on title, Powerlessness. There are many relationships in my blood line damaged greatly by this disease and other. My best tool when I am feeling sadness about broken family lines is the abbreviated Serenity Prayer - Bless Them, Change Me. Hang in there and keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have sisters. They were and are toxic individuals. I cut them out of my life 12 years ago and it is a great feeling. I can't at all relate to feeling powerless over bad relationships. There's always the power to end what doesn't serve you. Failing that, the question I'd be asking myself is what do I get from staying?
Some relationships are really difficult. I ran into an issue with a coworker recently. Set a boundary and she came at me like a pitbull. Stepped on my feet twice. Thank goodness for social distancing. And the names...oh the names that came out once I set a boundary. Breathtaking rebound with personal attacks as per the formula for those who are completely boundaryless.
I certainly put in many limits, many many limits. Didnt matter back like a pitbull barging in again. As is typical of certain people one sets boundaries with then came the personal attacks, vicious personal attacks. Funny how when you set boundaries with certain people they start calling you all kind of names. The irony being that those same people then claim to be so #caring# . Wow that is an example of caring calling people names and barging in on them wherever they are.
My sisters would do similar things. Indeed my elder sister called me every name in the book to my other relatives. I guess that is a step up on beating you up.
Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart. I have even had to get a restraining order against certain people because they simoly do not stop crossing those boundaries because they have none whatsoever. They know they cannot imagine that they could cross a line they are worse than put bulls. There is no limit to whatever boundary there is. Their influence has to cover everything. They have no concept anyone else exists.
Indeed some people are able to go no contact with their family members. I was no contact with mine for years
Family was a huge issue with my qualifier. Every holiday his mother insisted that her needs were paramount. Then out of the blue she married her former childhood sweetheart and moved several states away. Then suddenly holidays didnt matter anymore. Suddenly holidays with my qualifier were unimportant.
Setting boundaries are what some of us really struggle with.
Setting boundaries with family is a whole chapter in our lives.
Setting boundaries within a relationship is a huge issue.
Boundaries are hard period. They are harder when certain people will not leave you alone when you have made it quite clear do not come anywhere near me. For some reason they feel they have the right to bludgeon wherever they feel like it. The qualifier's mother was like that, my co worker was like that, every relationship I have had with an alcoholic has been like that. It is relentless and extremely aggressive.
Setting boundaries is exhausting work but a very necessary part of recovery.
Thought I would put in my $0.02! And oh boy, I could tell you a tale (a true one) about my older brother. I grew up with his rage instead of alcohol. I shook into my adulthood when he came near me. I felt afraid of him probably until alanon kicked in, combined with him needing two open heart surgeries. Due to his horrendous medical experiences, and my program tools, I finally forgave him and felt some compassion for him. I never thought this would have happened. For all those middle years I would only be around him with others. So Im not a child anymore, I have my own car, keys, and gas. During the last couple years prior to COVID, with seeing him on my terms with my boundaries, I have taken a couple walks with him and had a quick lunch. Knowing that I could leave any minute I wanted to, allowed me to have an infrequent but OK relationship with him. I decided I just did not want to show up at his funeral someday. I also view him as an untreated very sick individual. We did have some good times in between the abuse, and when I divorced my first A husband, he helped me a bit with my son who was 9. During COVID I have chosen to text him about every two months, and he writes back. This feels better than the avoidance and pain I kept about him. Ileana, give yourself some time in program and then you can figure out what you want in the future with your sister. There is no right answer. Its about what works for you.
Ilieana - reading you... understanding your pain & grief.
May you find peace in this.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Reading you, Ileana... 