The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has almost been a year since my sober A moved out. A year and a half since he announced that he was not happy is this marriage and told our sons that he needed a break from your mother. In this year we have done things and said things that we never had in 30 years of marriage. He has gone from end to the other saying he is going for the divorce, his doesn't want a divorce, it can only end in divorce, he is going to see what is on the other side, giving into his addictions, and that the divorce is going to be bad. He has occasionally said that he is willing to come out and help me. But he hasn't been here in two months.
As I sit here I wonder if I am different than I was a year ago. And I wonder if I am different only because I am reacting to what has been handed to me. A friend in Alanon said to me-wow, it has almost been a year since you have been alone; I could never have done that. It dawned on me that I have lived a year on my own and this is what it will be like and that it is doable. I have learned to ask for help and accept help. Surprising enough to myself I have progressed alot at work. I have much better boundaries in a place where anything goes sometimes. I have a contract for next year, have an opportunity to make extra money, and will have some training paid for this summer. My sons are having life experiences and challenges and I do miss them. Because of two households and unexpected expenses and no financial plan, our finances are very tight.
My wish for myself is that I gain some emotional strength to deal with my AH. I still get so angry and hurt by his choices. Every week someone asks me where he is and when is he coming back. Someone said to me last week-we haven't seen you at all over here; we thought you would be here every weekend doing barbeques and hanging out. I just told her that I wasn't invited over here. That hurts and I wish it didn't.
I plan to sit down and do a budget. I need to sit down with my AH and say what I can live with and not live with. I still feel like if I say or do the right thing that the outcome will come out better. From being in Alanon I know that it is not in my hands but in the hands of our HP's. Thank goodness for my friends, family, and the Alanoners who have been where I am and give me ESH every single day. I thank my HP for those things that I do have including my health, my house, and my pets who are always there for me.
My heart is with you. I am going through a separation also and it is heartbreaking, but reading these posts and going to F2F really does help. It is so hard when your husband is your best friend, isn't it?
You are inspiring to me that you have lived alone for a year, and that life does go on. There are so many other people in this world who need help, and giving back to them is the most important thing one can do. These times of stress and business need healing - reaching out to others who appreciate help and kindness, and it doesn't feel bad to give it!
Keep strong and take care of yourself, and yes, aren't pets the best? They have unconditional love and seem to know when you are hurting.
Nancy, I'm sitting here too! My husband and I have been seperated now for just over a month. The one month marker was hard. He IS my best friend, as Heidi said, and I feel like I have no one to share with. I miss him terribly, and he misses me too (he says), but we have just hurt each other too much. I am hoping, as it seems you are, that this seperation is what we needed to get better. I am feeling better, and I am understanding more and more what his disease is, and what my own sickness has become. I hope I am learning to better myself. I understand the pain and grief. I hope our HPs bring us both happiness, whatever happens with them.
