The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I live in a very strange Country, we have had really bad, long droughts, then destructive Bush Fires, and now there are Floods sweeping the Country, My heart goes out to all the people that are affected by all of it, when I see pictures of the destruction, and the extent, I feel very sad. The Courage it takes to deal and come back from all of that is huge.
Now to get on with my story of making amends, Since coming into Al-Anon and understanding the effects of Alcoholism on both parties, the Alcoholic and Family members, I was able to look at the part that I played in all of it, and take responsibility for it. So I was able to make amends to both of my Husbands, just to be able to say that I was sorry for the way that I reacted and my part in it, felt really good. Being in Al-Anon, I understood why I was so affected, as I had been born into it, with my Grand Father being the Alcoholic, growing up in the Family that I did, drinking was apart of it. I had 2 Identical Twin Uncles that had the problem, and could see how my Mother reacted when they were around, a lot. But I could never get angry at them, as they were just fun loving crazy Uncles that played cricket with us.
It was different for me, being, living, married to one however, I became angry, reactive, and hateful. If there had of been an AA getting help in Al-Anon when I was there, I would have shot him. But Al-Anon changed all of that for me over the time, I went to a lot of Weekends, Conventions, and started to have a lot of Friends in AA. That helped me so much understand what the Disease was all about, I listened to them in meetings, watching, seeing first hand of their struggles, to stay sober, sane and start to live without their crutch. I felt for them, I started to see that they were people first before they became Alcoholics. Had feelings, and if I cut them they would bleed just like me. They, didn't ask to become Alcoholics and all that entailed.
So, after one AA weekend, I knew in my Heart that I wanted to say that I was sorry to them for how I had acted. I thought that they were all there so I could get up and say Sorry to all of them, that didn't happen. However, my God had heard me say what I said. So I was at another AA weekend,it was a Spiritual Concept Meeting, with a lot of my friends in Al-Anon and AA, I asked a friend of mine what speakers did they have in Al-Anon, he told me that they already had some lined up. So I settled down to listen,then someone came to share, and as I heard him before, decided to go outside for a spell, so with a friend of mine, off we went. I kept notice of the time, and because it was nearly closing time, I knew that they would be ready for the count down, so went back in.
Thinking, I was safe, I only had just sat down, and could hear the Chairperson say, "I will pick another speaker out;" next minute he says, "there's a Wendy from----, I couldn't believe it when he read out my name. I was in shock, and got up and said"S---T", one of my AA friends sang out from behind, 'Go, Wendy" I told him to shut up. So I go up on stage, and I knew it was time for me to say my amends, my God had given me the opportunity. I just spoke from my heart, telling them of how I hated the Disease,of where I had come from and what it had been like, and of how much I had hated them, telling them that they didn't give me much reason to love only hate. But that now I understood, of their struggles, pain, and could see them in a much different light, and that I was sorry for they way I had treated them.
It was after the meeting, that a lot of my AA friends came up and said how they enjoyed my sharing, and to say Thank You. Even the Chairperson, who I knew told me that he was sorry for calling me up. But one thing stood out for me, a lady came up to me and said how much she enjoyed my sharing,and from what I said,. that she was going to go home and forgive herself for being an Alcoholic. When I thought about what she said, I felt more forgiveness for them, as I know an awful lot of AA's feel guilty for having and being an Alcoholic.
From my journey through this Disease, from who I was when I came into Al-Anon, to who I am now, with the help and love of Al-Anon, and AA, I can hope and pray that I can help others truly understand what I have learnt how it affects and changes people in AA and Al-Anon to love and respect each other.
I agree it is powerful when the knowing sinks from head to heart. I will never forget the AA member who closed a share with " I wasn't a bad person, I was a sick person". As a double winner that allowed self forgiveness, it acknowledged my unseen efforts and from there it was possible to extend forgiveness to the others still afflicted. I still wobble when it's in my home space. But hey in order to wobble you have to be standing so I'm grateful for all the learning including this one you shared. Thanks for it <3
{{{Wendy}}}, thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story. I think it took tremendous courage to stand up and share in that AA meeting, even though they put you on the spot. It truly is amazing how we can affect people when we share from the heart -- and how we can affect ourselves.
I will admit, something I need to work on, is feeling more comfortable around alcoholics in recovery. I love the "double winners" who attend my local Al-Anon meetings and here on MIP -- and I respect how they try to keep their focus on the Al-Anon program when in a meeting. They are wonderful human beings. I listen to AA speakers at Al-Anon events that have AA participation. But I have not been to an open AA meeting, as is sometimes recommended to us, and somehow I am reluctant to be in a room full of alcoholics -- even though I know they are in recovery. One alcoholic was plenty for me (this is my non-recovered voice speaking). I guess I still have some fear around that. I feel more comfortable if I think Al-Anons are the majority in the room -- which of course is an illusion, because I can not know someone's history unless they share it.
Maybe this is the next frontier I need to conquer. Will I do it? Time will tell.
Awesome share Wendy - thank you for bringing it here. As another double winner, I agree that it's a gift when the head/heart align. Forgiveness is such a powerful, freeing element and absolutely necessary for my own recovery - both sides of this program.
There has always been something absolutely magical to me at conventions. The grace, the miracles, the togetherness between/among both sides of the program is hard to put into words. Having attended meetings for both, engaged with members from both and try to be in touch/tune with both, I am one who just steps completely away from anyone judging the other side of the room. It makes me absolutely uncomfortable - not angry or mad or ..... - just uncomfortable. I was told very early on to hang with the winners, and for me, my growth and my recovery, I need to be with those who focus on unconditional love and acceptance of every/any one trying to be a better version of themselves in recovery.
I am glad that we are given the opportunity every day, one day at a time, to let go of the past, make amends as necessary and keep moving forward. My heart has much more peace when I'm in the present and focus on what's going well vs. what could be different.
Making amends is as freeing as forgiveness. I honestly can't figure out which one gives me more joy but both certainly help set me free from the bondage of my own self/thinking. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wendy, that was a really lovely share and I have a very good friend in New South Wales and also she has a home in Perth but mostly they stay in New South Wales and I worry about her with the fires and the floods thank God she keeps in touch with me and let me know she is OK
As to the amends, I used to think that making amends was falling on my sword and taking full responsibility instead of just my part in what went wrong with the relationship I think I have pretty much gotten a hold of everyone that I have harmed as a result of my sickness being impacted by this disease by so many family members and marriage partners, I was a mess when I got into recovery and the first amend I had to make was to me and to forgive me for being so messed up and for the coping skills I had to develop in order to survive. I had to realize that I did the best I could under dire circumstances. And then I just made a list of all the people in my life that I might have impacted with my codependent screwed up thinking and actions and I just basically got a hold of them and said I just want to let you know that I recognize and accept that I did such and such or said so and so and that I take full responsibility for my side of the street and my amend is to keep working on my program so I can be a better person. I let them know that it mattered what I said or did to them and I wasnt looking maybe for a reconciliation, but to just close out the books. With some I reconciled and some didnt want anything to do with me and that was OK some I telephoned, some I had to write to, whatever was the safest and best way to contact them I did and for the ones who are unsafe. There is one brother who is completely unsafe and toxic and so Im not sure that my reactions to him didnt make things worse so I just made amends for my part to God and to myself and I shared with trusted others and to me that was good enough because I acknowledged my part but to contact him? No! It wouldnt be safe. He has threatened too many times to literally kill me. He is the violent abusive type so no! I am going to protect my safety so making amends can just mean acknowledging what part I mightve had and sharing it with my higher power and a safe other person and then just learn from that and move on
Thank you for sharing this and reminding me that amends me not just to others but to myself as well
WENDY! Yep I have friends in NSW. One big drought a year or so ago- and now this!