The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first post ... I've been reading, but not posting..... Fear is my predominant feeling for the past 6 yrs or so ... it really is an emotion that can wear one down. I've worked through many issues, and each year is better than the last these last 6 years, but I still have a ways to go. I know all the slogans, have the steps pretty much memorized, but the emotional trauma of my past resurfaces each time I experience the same behavior towards me from people -- especially one certain person. I do not want them to have that power/control over me -- but it is as if my experience in the present is tied somehow in my brain to traumatic experiences in my past -- like PTSD. I am aware of it, but am having trouble getting past it. I feel like I am at some kind of juncture -- don't know exactly what, but that is a feeling I have that is very strong. I have been increasingly isolating, which is not good -- I know this and I know what I need to do still cannot move. It popped into my head just a bit ago, that perhaps this is my HP with a warped sense of humor -- I have one, so why not my HP? I was thinking that I thought I'd hit bottom before ... I was a rising star, if you will, back many years ago ... no one including me would have thought that my future would include hitting bottom. I've never taken drugs, drink minimally, and as a young professional person pretty much spoke up for myself. So, in my fall to the bottom, I've covered a lot of yardage. But now I think my HP is letting me know who is really in charge -- and of course that is my HP. Perhaps my HP is thinking I need to fall even farther, hit a lower bottom, for some reason that I cannot understand at this moment. I have been and am willing to turn my life and will over to HP -- to surrender, to accept ... still that does not leave me free ... because every moment is a choice. Do I get out of bed? when? go where? talk to whom? pay which bills when there is not enough money to pay them all? set boundaries, but which ones? Like many who have lived in an A house, there were either no boundaries, or no healthy ones. No good models for those choices. And my choices reflect that. So, as I float lower, I do so knowing HP must have some reason for this, and humblingly asking that not only all of my defects be removed, but for greater insight and ability for the choices to be made in my life.
Welcome to MIP, this is a safe place to express your concearns and share in everyones experience, stength and hope.
I am rather new to the program, but it has really been a life saver for me. Emotionally and spiritually. There are so many special caring people here.
As to your post, someone here so kindly offered this to me... "you are exactly where you are supposed to be in your recovery". Everything starts from here. Don't be disapointed if you don't feel you have accomplished anything... the slogan progress not perfection is for all of us. Small steps every day will get us where we need to go. You may not see it in yourself, but we all get better when we work together.
If there are face to face meetings in your area, I highly recomend it. There is also a chat room if you follow the link above and to the left.
There is a lot of healing that goes on in this program so stick around... you are worth it!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 17:36, 2006-04-26
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to MIP! It a caring place with people who will love and support you. I must tell you that you write beautifully. There is a strength and serenity in the way in which you compose your writing. It a gift, one which I hope you will continue to share with us all.
I believe that Fear is also a driving force of my own illness. I have yet to discover its root or the immense ways that is overpowers me. But today I have an awareness of it, I suppose that is progress.
Thank you for your share, and please keep coming, we are blessed to have you here,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Are you working with a sponsor on your steps and using a book, like "Pathways to Recovery"? There is so much more than just memorizing the steps, it is internalizing and doing the homework that goes along with each one. You don't mention attending meetings, this is so important to your recovery. This is where you will find the resources and support from those that have gone before you in recovery.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hello, alana, Thank you for finding this site! We are all glad you are here. Your being here helps us work our program, too. Isolation is part of our disease. Like most of us, you can think things through pretty clearly! I know exactly how that is! But like the rest of us here, you have found your way here to break your isolation and get to work on the Program so that your life changes. Your HP will work with you, but you have to do the footwork. I've learned that the footwork is to go to face to face meetings, to start to talk at meetings, and to find a sponsor - someone who can help you work the Steps. Memorizing is not working the Steps. Working the Steps means working them in your life. And surrender is the beginning! What I can say is that working the Steps has helped me have a better life than I ever had. We are here for you. I hope you will find what you need here. Keep coming back it works, if you work it! Blessings, mebjk
Here is something that helped me with my fear with choices/options. My sponsor asked me when I spilled my guts to her about how I just knew that I could ruin everything, "Do you think you are God? Do you really believe you have the power to ruin this day?" of course my answer was no. What she told me next has stuck with me for a long time. One thing was if I chose not to make a decision, that is in itself a decision, it is the decision Not to do something (this is neither good or bad). The other was that if I take time, look at what I'm doing, pray to God/Hp for direction then take that leap and make a choice, then I've done my part. The best thing she said though, was that even if it isn't the best choice, that whatever I choose to do, if I've take that time to stay connected with my Hp/God, than I can count on His ablitiy to work with whatever it is I've decided to do. Really Let Go and Let God.
This was a lesson in powerlessness, turning over control to God/Hp, and accepting (with humility) that God/hp was going to help me with the outcome -- whatever it may be.
Hope this helped a little. So glad you are here!!!
