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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Boundaries help. New here
Post Info TOPIC: Boundaries help. New here
runaway2020


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Boundaries help. New here
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Hello, I have been with my husband for 25 years. In that time there has been repeated problems surrounding his drinking. In the past he would drink daily (a few a night and weekends he would go out and get drunk, then drive home after the bars closed closed). After a time of me expressing my concerns over this behavior, he began trying to limit his drinking to at home only and moderating his drinks when he is out to only 2 or 3. That worked part of the time but several times he would still overdrink when out then come home and apologize for over doing it. He does not believe he has a drinking problem. He believes he can moderate it and he has gone alcohol free for weeks at a time when I've gotten mad enough but he always goes back to it. I finally hit my breaking point on Christmas 2020 when he had had a couple of drinks at home and got mad at our teenage son and chased after him yelling " boy, I'm gonna F*** you up!" My son was terrified and hid in his room where my husband busted in his door and grabbed him before I came in and threatened to call the police if he did not back off. I left with my two teens that night and would not come home until he left our home. I told him I did not feel safe around him when he's drinking because his personality changes and he gets angry and has outbusts of anger. He went to a motel that night. After that happened I told him I was tired of alcohol causing problems in on our home and told him my boundary is ( I will not tolerate drinking in my home. I said if he chooses to drink then I ask that he not come home for the night and if he does, I will leave for the night. ) He stopped drinking completely after that until yesterday. Yesterday he went golfing with his best friend who is a heavy drinker. When he came home he told me, he had had 2 beers on the golf course but that it was hours ago and no alcohol was left in his system. I told him that he violated my boundary by drinking and asked him to leave for the night. He told me I was being ridiculous because he was sober and that he did not violate my boundary because he only drank earlier in the day and he came home sober. I just repeated my request for him to leave so he did. He stayed at a motel. Is my boundary a realistic one? I do not want him in our home if he has drank any alcohol that day because it changes his personality. He becomes irritable and has a shorter fuse for his anger. He believes my boundary is controlling and that I'm forcing him to not drink. I told him he can choose wether or not he drinks, and I can choose what I allow in my home. My boundary was made to protect me and my children in our home. I want my home to be peaceful and alcohol free. Was I right to ask him to stay the night somewhere else when he drank earlier in the day? Or should I have allowed him to stay because he was technically "sober" by the time he got home?

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Bettertomorrow


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First of all welcome runaway2020.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but here you will find support in this wonderful community.

It feels like you have made some decisions around boundaries for yourself and your children, which are there to keep you safe - both physically and emotionally.

I personally went through a very convoluted process with boundaries to get where I am today and out of everything I have done, boundaries feel like they have made one of the biggest impacts.

I started (when I was very new in Alanon), by telling my AH that he could only drink in a certain room in the house as he was always drunk and more or less unconscious on our family room floor. Of course, he still continued drinking as my boundary had given him tacit approval that it was OK to drink in our house and he didn't stay in the room anyway. I then moved to making a boundary for myself and one which I could totally control and that was if he drank at all, then I would leave the house with our four children in tow. Whilst that seemed OK on paper, I spent many evenings leaving the house when I wanted to be putting the children to bed and for them to have a calm bedtime routine - so chaos still reigned.

Eventually, my self esteem grew enough that I believed I had basic rights to how I want to live my life - and of course he has the same. I did and do not want to live with someone who I know has an active problem with alcohol, which impacts on my and my children's lives, so that is my boundary. While he continues to drink, and I accept that is his choice, we are not living together at all. I don't even see him when he has what he calls his sober periods, because I know that as an alcoholic who is not in recovery, that his disease will do and say anything to manipulate me allowing him back into our home.

We no longer walk in the house on eggshells and we have all found the peace and serenity we so desperately were seeking.

I am not sure what the Covid situation is like where you are, but would encourage you to try face to face alanon meetings and if not there are zoom meetings which you can join.

Wishing you the best.

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Enigmatic


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Hi run, welcome to MIP! Glad you found us...

So sorry to hear of your troubles, but you have come to a good place. I found AlAnon when I was worried about my partner's drinking to the point that I had lost my own sanity after trying everything I could to stop the terrible cycle of fear, worry, helplessness and anger without results.

AlAnon helped me understand that many of the things I was trying simply would not work because I can't control what someone else wants or is going to do. On the other hand, there was much I could do in areas that I can control to reduce the drama and helplessness that I had been feeling.

I attended an AlAnon meeting that helped me greatly, but with the current Covid panic there are less options but many online meetings are available. For me, the AlAnon book Paths to Recovery was a huge game changer that guided me towards effective action and thought approach to a very difficult environment.

No one else can, nor should tell you what you should do other than to do what you need to do to keep you and your family safe, and to seek out the guidance and suggestions of AlAnon. AlAnon has helped many, including myself, who had run out of hope and options and were desperate.

I hope to see you around, keep coming back and hang in there



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Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Runaway2020 and welcome to MIP. Just wanted to say hello and welcome.

Al-Anon for yourself and Al-A-Teen for your children would be a great start for

you and your family to find the support and answers that you all need right now.

Alcoholism is a disease that can be arrested but that does not have a cure.

We learn first off that we do not cause, cure or control it, but what we do learn

to how to find peace, control and serenity in our own lives in spite of the disease.

Detachment is a tool that is the most effective way to put our lives back into the

control of our own hands.

This link may help you locate electronic meetings in your area and wishing you

the best Runaway to you and your children. Please keep coming back to chat

with us.

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
Lyne


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Welcome Runaway. I agree that no one should tell you what you should do. But by listening to yourself, your gut, you know what the next right thing or boundary is for you. It takes a lot of strength to follow through with things that help us to find peace and serenity. In my case, my son is full grown with a wife and child. I bought a small condo and leave near him half the week. This is what works for me. My spouse is an untreated and sometimes active alcoholic. I came to alanon to learn how to fix my A, and what Ive learned/am learning is how to heal myself. Keep coming back. :)

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Lyne
DavidG


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  aww Personally, I think your were too tough on hubby- on that occasion.

      From what you said- I would have been inclined to believe him.

      Progress, not perfection. aww ...



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  
SunnyFrogs


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Hi there Runaway, welcome.

I thought it was awesome to read that you set a boundary and stuck to it. That takes courage and also self confidence to do.

Boundaries are for you and only you personally know what you are willing to tolerate or not. So therefore there's no right or wrong.





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pinkchip


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If alcoholics told the truth about how much they drink and when, that would make enforcing your boundary easier. I personally think you have the right to exactly what you stated. He has to choice to accept it or go. It is what you can live with or without. Your choice. The alcoholic will likely progress to lying, hiding and all that stuff to get around your boundary and I would be careful not to hop on that crazy train cuz we've all been there....

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Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP runaway2020. The reality of boundaries and life is we do what feels right in the moment. You have every right to set a boundary that works for you, your home and your family. My boundary is the same - I don't want alcohol in my home nor do I want impaired persons around me. We've had enough alcohol induced chaos and drama for a lifetime already and don't need more.

Every boundary I have ever set has been challenged. It's the nature of another to challenge us when we are changing; it serves me well when I can remain consistent. This doesn't mean I've not modified boundaries during my recovery - instead it means that what's most important to me and my health/well-being matters yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I've been sober 33 years. Last year, in April, my parents both ended up with Covid in the hospital at slightly different times and could not take care of each other. My father is the primary care provider as my mother has dementia. My mother, exactly like her father, has become a later-in-life alcoholic - they are both 86 now. I drove across the country to take care of them and not only purchased wine for my mother, I allowed her to take the whole bottle to her isolation area.

Keep in mind, in my entire time sober, I have NEVER purchased alcohol. I set that boundary way back when I was in treatment and held fast until Covid. In the moment, it was more peaceful for me to have her stay in her isolation area, with the wine as I didn't have to worry about getting the virus (or had less concerns). Buying alcohol for my mother and enabling her disease truly were the least of my concerns at that time, though I've questioned my motives since.

The reality for my situation, yours and most others on this board is we truly have no power over what another will/will not do. I have been around the disease long enough to know that where there is a will, there is a way. I have no doubt she would have been able to call another - friend or store and have it delivered. This would have exposed me and whomever to the virus and the possibility of getting sick.

So, do you. When it doesn't feel right, sit with the decision and the outcome and try to determine why. Often I feel bad because a part of me still thinks I am responsible for others - their feelings, their success(es), their consequences, etc. I am one who needs to be reminded often that I am powerless over others and how another speaks, acts, does is a reflection of them and not me.

We live and we learn. We learn and live more. We practice suggestions in recovery and if they work - great. If they don't, we find other suggestions/tools to try. There's no perfect way to do recovery and there's truly no 'wrong' choices. What I do know is that if I don't advocate for my own serenity and sanity, I'm going to struggle to get it/hold onto it.

I hope you know you're not alone. There is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Skorpi


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Runaway!
Some really great shares here.

I'll echo them, especially your right to set boundaries that work for you. You do not need to accept things that are unacceptable to you.
You've set a boundary about what is and is not acceptable to you in terms of alcohol use and presence in the house. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks about it. No one else is you, living in your situation. If it feels right to you, it is an appropriate boundary to set for how you want to live your life.

Keep coming back, MIP is one of the sources of strength for me when I've set a boundary and my wife doesn't want to abide by it.



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Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
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