The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Word meaning can vary widely across, even between cultures and individuals; "detach" is a good example.
AlAnon's detachment is not complete disconnection of emotion, love, care. Rather, it involves removing ourselves from being unhealthily embedded (physically/emotionally) in the alcoholics business: controlling, covering, contriving, carrying, apologizing for...
Reminder: Don't get involved in matters 'outside of our circle', responsibilities of the alcoholic. Detachment is essential to a healthy relationship as neither can, nor should try to control the other.
"For what knowest thou...whether thou shalt save thy husband/wife? As the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk." - 1st Corinthians ---------------------------- Before I found AlAnon, I had two modes: 'Care' a lot (including taking over when I thought they needed my 'help'), or completely cut off and/or walk away.
AlAnon guided me toward another, much more healthy option: maintain the care I had for them as individuals, but humbly respect the limitations of my circle, follow my higher power, and respect theirs and let them follow it without my ignorant interference.
I can tell when I stray from AlAnon's guidance because I lose my serenity and become filled with agitation and fear when thinking or dealing with someone else. I've lost my detachment...grateful for the guidance and wisdom
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and ESH. I can relate to the two mode style of living: I think for me it was control or forget it. Neither worked, obviously.
Detachment is now one of my healthy tools I use almost daily. I strive to detach with love, but I admit I cannot always do it. To watch my loved one make such poor choices, in my opinion, takes an enormous reliance on program and the patience to follow through. Progress not perfection.
Good Day Everyone. Thank you for the ESH and I gained useful tools from each of you. My dilemma on detachment is when to let go if my partner is making unhealthy decisions because he is in a sick state of mind. When we married, he stopped going to AA and has been dry ever since. In early 2019 he became ill and I pulled all the stops to get him to seek medical attention with no success. He by chance ran into an old friend who told him point blank he looked like death warmed over and better get to emergency stat. It turned out he had pneumonia! Needless to say, I was smug about being right. Since then, I RESENTFULLY keep my mouth shut or I vacciliate between turning it over or being in extreme fear /anger because he continues to IGNORE his health. We have access/insurance to optimum health care which makes it more infuriating. Anyways, I am doing what I can a day at a time to stay in my Hula Hoop. I'll be glad for our lockdown to be lifted so I can get a sponsor to work the steps with. My brain is like a split screen T.V. Thank you for being here. In time I hope to rant less, and do more. Enjoy your day, Eileen
I still have times where I detach with hatred and resentment rather than with love. That's where I am at this exact moment in time.It's ok though,after awhile the love part will kick in again.
Practice practice practice....I'm definitely a work in progress.
Happy Tuesday MIP! Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thanks to everyone for your shares and ESH. Detachment for me was a foreign concept and I can also relate to 2 modes of operating. What was consistent in both of my modes was my EGO and a bit of dramatic effect.
When I arrived, I was so defeated, beaten down, angry, confused, disappointed, frustrated, etc. -- I actually doubted if I even knew how to love or who I loved. When I began practicing detachment, it certainly was not with love or even loving. It was awkward and quite ugly yet I tried because those who suggested this and other tools had true authentic serenity, and I really wanted 'that'.
Over time, I got better at it and I still wasn't necessary detaching with love or loving. Yet, I was indifferent which was much better than before - I felt often like Switzerland, a bit aloof & a bit removed. I can't say what changed other than I just kept practicing what those who came before me suggested. There was no major Aha moment, I just realized one evening as I was reviewing my day that detaching felt better, actually healthy compared to the way I reacted many times for many years before.
For me, being able to detach with love, is a direct result of trusting my HP, working on my own issues, impulses, obsessions and fear and unconditional love and acceptance of me first, others next. At any point in my day that I feel restless, irritable or discontent, my findings are that I've changed my focus and use our tools to find it again.
I've always, always felt blessed and gratitude that our program is gentle, loving and a way to just improve or seek progress, setting aside perfection. Grateful all of you are a part of my journey! We had a lovely weather day and I did get a round of golf in. Since I don't have wheels currently, my golf friends are driving me. I'm actually grateful to not have to drive - still a bit jumpy. I do know deep down that when I ask for help from my HP, those who love me, etc. it's a good thing!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi, I'd like to share about what detachment means to me. I have often heard a lot of you share about Betty and how much you all cared and thought about her. The love, patience that she gave to all who knew her. Well, I had a "Betty" in the group that I had started to go to, but her name was "Mary". She too was so full of Love, patience, and caring. She took me under her wing, and I learnt an awful lot from her. Her answer to all the troubles of the world was,"come on, lets have a cup of tea."
When I was a newcomer, I was so full of anger, hate, resentment and mostly, pain. I was angry that I had to be the one to get help, because my thinking was, 'Why should I get the help, I haven't got the problem, he has." I believed that so many owed me an apology, for all the pain and suffering that they had done to me, which they did. The shocks became much later, when I looked at the steps, and found out, or was told that "I" owed them. No way, so I started to get guilty because there was no forgiveness in any part of my body. So to still be friends with Mary, I found a way around it, I would ask God to forgive me, because I couldn't forgive them. In that way, I could ease my guilt.
When Mary introduced me to the Detachment slogan, I did it all backwards, instead of detaching, I would attach even more, especially to my loved ones. I just couldn't see myself detaching from my 3 kids, as I had to be their protector all their lives. But the Alcoholic in my life was different, there wasn't any love that I had for him at that time. Mary would talk to me about detaching with love from him, I would hear a lot of that from her, especially when I would tell her what he was doing to me. So on day, at the meeting, I told her, Mary, I am detaching, that's good, darling," she said. But it is with hate, not love, came the reply, 'Oh, darling, you are suppose to do it with love". Came my reply, "that is the only way I can do it, but I am still doing it.
Much later, and a lot of work from my HP towards me, and coming to understand the Disease of Alcoholism, that is when I was able to start to get the love bit.
Was a great share, and when I read all the sharings on this program, I learn an awful lot, especially about love, understanding, and caring.
Have a great weekend to all, you have your snow in some places, I have Storms.
-detachment- came up really early in my journey. Round here it tends to mean- "leave" - "Vamoose!"
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