The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP. Today's reading talks about unacceptable behavior. We hear early on that we don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. This helps each of us to determine what's acceptable vs. what is not. We certainly should never tolerate violence or abuse and the program helps us see we always have choices. As we progress in our recovery, we set limits and boundaries not to control others but to offer ourselves choices and solutions when we face unacceptable behavior.
In spite of our growth and efforts in recovery, we often forget about one person - self. When we belittle or berate ourselves, we are using unacceptable behavior and often set aside that which we are doing right to focus on what's wrong. In time and with practice, we can learn to treat ourselves with honor and respect - a best friend, built in.
Reminder: I have been affected by a disease of attitudes. When I treat myself with love and approval, I know that I am recovering.
Quote from The Upanishads: "Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes."
When I arrived at Al-Anon recovery, I had a long-standing habit of self-assessment. What was missing was complete honesty. I was perpetually willing to point out my faults as well as the faults of others. What was missing was considering assets or strengths, in self and others.
I also arrived with black/white thinking. When I heard others talk about being a 'door mat' and needing to change that, I could relate. In my want to be free of the pain from this disease in others, my first attempt at boundaries and detachment was a bit extreme and went well beyond self-protection/preservation and was punitive in many ways.
With a great sponsor, a deeper understanding of what my needs are vs. my wants, a HP and practice, I've improved in all aspects of relating to both self and others. I have choices when faced with unacceptable behavior, some as easy as just not talking/engaging. I allow myself today the choice of removing myself from any/all situations that make me uncomfortable. For myself, I have added some positive mantras as part of my morning routine because I need to be reminded that I am loved, loving, lovable and worthy.
Happy Saturday MIP family. The sun is shining again today and I choose Joy! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
IAH, thanks so much for your service and great share. I also suffered a severely damaged self-image starting with my FOO and it continued right into adult relationships, including two marriages to alcoholics/addicts. I had trouble seeing the good in myself and constantly compared myself, always to come out on the bottom. My first sponsor taught me: compare=despair. What a concept! I try now to compare myself to myself--am I achieving the goals I've made, am I behaving in a way that brings me self-respect, etc. Program has taught me that besides for being kind to others,I must be kind to myself And ODAT, I am doing just that.
Thank you, IAH and all who have shared. This is such an important topic for me -- "When we belittle or berate ourselves, we are using unacceptable behavior " and "When I treat myself with love and approval, I know that I am recovering."
My self-love has become more and more prevalent as I progress in the program. And it doesn't mean exaggerating my assets -- it simply means accepting me a I am, appreciating me as I am, but not enabling myself to engage in self-destructive behavior, treating myself the way a caring higher power would treat me. So simple -- but not easy, and to keep it up I need to practice it every day.
I hadn't really thought of belittling and berating myself as "unacceptable" behavior. Of course it is though, I mean I wouldn't want anyone else to do that to me so it isn't ok to do it to myself.
I need to acknowledge more of the good things about myself rather than just all the things I need and want to change. As I work this program I am feeling so much better about myself but I also need to learn to just let myself "be" at times. I don't need to work so hard on myself to the point of mental exhaustion. I need to be accepting of myself just as I am too and not just plan to when I get to where I want to be.
