The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past week has been so nice. Actually even a bit longer than a week. I accepted the good times so well, using them to keep motivated to get all that spring cleaning stuff done, keeping myself too busy to worry. My husband has been a huge help to the projects.
Now this morning and even yesterday afternoon I found myself thinking about when it goes crappy again ... why am I bringing that upon myself? Is it not trusting that life can just be good? Or fear of looking like a fool if things go downhill? Or a need to prove that without a program he can't get better? Maybe a need to protect myself because I have seen this pattern before? All of the above plus more?
Half of me is proud that I have been able to just accept that it is good right now, the other half is kind of kicking myself for letting it be good because in my doomsday mind it won't be forever. But nobody has a perfect life forever ... I don't know I am confused this morning LOL
I can sure relate to what you said about having great days and then all of a sudden everything goes wrong and you wish you had never had the great days to begin with (that's paraphrased, sorry).
I used to think that way, before I was "forced" (haha) to go to Alanon because my husband was an alcoholic. Looking back, I think that in my situation, I was telling myself that it was MY fault for having the bad days again, because I was always told that bad things were my fault and that I was no good. That ol' stinkin thinkin was hard at work! So therefore, I would not want to have any good days, since I would only do/think something to make them go away.
I used to have migraines quite often. I remember once, when I worked at a job (before marrying my first husband), there was this much older lady who worked with me. One day I came in on a Monday with a doozie of a headache, and she said "you just did too much over the weekend and now you're sick". Now, let's see, I never partied, was pretty much a laid back person, stayed home a lot (since I worked full time, weekends were pretty much spent at home doing stuff I couldn't get done during the week). Maybe it was the little bit of gardening that I did that caused the headache? LOL!
My point is this...I was so conditioned to think that headaches/bad stuff happening was my fault, so much that I started to believe it in later years,` until Alanon came along. I now believe that things happen just because. I am soooo glad to know that I'm not so all-powerful! What a relief!! Now I have great days most of the time, with a little bum-time thrown in once in a great while!
Yes, Jennifer, I can relate to this. Part of our illness is our inability to be in the moment and to always be wary of what is going to happen next. Our Program will help with this. Thanks for your post! Blessings, mebjk
One Day At A Time - sometimes one minute at a time. I had to learn to enjoy the blessings of the day and develop a trust in my HP that even if tomorrow is filled with gloom and despair, my HP will have what I need to handle those dark times. I still struggle with this, thanks so much for your post - typing this helps me remember what I need to do to live in the moment and enjoy today for what it is . .
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Jennifer...I used to feel that way too. However, by the Grace of God and this program I am totally feeling different. Now I find that I am just living in the moment...just for today. When I do have a bad day, (when I am trying to control the A in my life) I now think "this too shall pass"...tomorrow will be better. Good days and bad days. It seems the good days are getting more and more. That is amazing to me because my A is still active and doing the same things. IT IS JUST NOT AFFECTING ME THE SAME WAY ANYMORE....How freeing!
These questions I have asked myself a million times. I'm sure fear has a lot to do with the way your feeling right now. Fear of losing what you have, feal that if you accept it will you just be let down again???
I can totally relate to everything you said, just take is as it comes until you decide within yourself how your life should be.
Only you have that power, and Jennifer in my experience you will know, I have known for some time now that my life would be without my A.
Your post definitely hit home for me today. I do the worry thing and wonder how can I prevent something bad from happening. I know that there is nothing I can do. Things beyond our control happen but it doesn't have to be the end of the world. I think my A is struggling because he wants everything to be rosey but it can't be like that everyday. Some days I'm tired or sad or just want to be left alone. I'm learning to enjoy the good times as the happen and live in the moment. It is not easy. Thanks for sharing
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Now I have great days most of the time, with a little bum-time thrown in once in a great while!
