The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page encourages consideration of the futility of time spent trying to determine why the alcoholic drinks. Even if we had that info and limitless time and money to treat it clinically, there is no guaranty of success for their recovery.
Reminder: The alcoholic can find recovery in the rooms of AA. In a similar way, serenity and peace is available for us from AlAnon...that is all we need to know.
"Let me conduct myself and my life in such a way that I will have no reason to reproach myself for making a bad situation worse. This, at least, is within my power: to make it better." - Unattributed ------------------ I spent great time, effort and emotional energy trying to understand the 'why's' of alcoholic drinking. Underneath my efforts was a belief that if I understood the 'why' I could formulate a better plan to keep them from drinking. I thought it would help me control alcohol.
AlAnon helped me see that by spending just a fraction of that time on adjusting my own perspective, thoughts and actions yielded immediate improvement in my felt serenity. Letting go of the desperate feeling that I could and should control someone's drinking made room for my own spiritual awakening and recovery.
Grateful for the wisdom and reminders of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hi Paul
Thank you for your service
One of my friends who was a functional alcoholic killed himself a while ago
I have been in a suicide survivors group
I came to the conclusion that the #why# he did it does not matter
Some people (i.e. a therapist ) told me to get resolution I needed to know #why#
No I don't
Maresie
I personally think there's nothing wrong with wondering "why" as long as it doesn't become an obsession.
I think knowledge and understanding helps us. It's no different than learning about addiction/alcoholism, which is encouraged actually. Many blame themselves for anothers disease and I think understanding the why can help with that.
Just my own 2 cents I guess.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 9th of February 2021 09:16:03 AM
Thanks for your service Paul, and all the ESH above. Obsessed I was, lost I was, devoted to a cause I couldnt fix, and without alanon, I cant imagine my life today. Because I was willing to take the focus off the A and put it on me, healing, peace, and happiness are often mine to behold. I have great sadness for my A, but I celebrate my life which includes much joy. Also grateful for the wisdom and tools our program offers. :)
Thank you Paul for your service, and to all of you who shared your stories/opinions.
I love to research. It calms my mind. It helps me to see reason where perhaps there seems to be none. It calms MY anxiety and fears. To me, the "unknown" promotes anxiety. For me, I had to understand the scientific portion of addiction (as best as I could), to accept that I couldn't Cure or Control. I already knew in my heart that I didn't Cause.
And I believe that is fine and acceptable, as long as that research doesn't become obsessive. That is where knowing yourself through Al-Anon is key. I understand and accept that we will have similar stories, but our healing journeys are not all cookie-cutter... there is no "one way."
Wishing you all peace and serenity today and everyday! &
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Tuesday 9th of February 2021 10:26:50 AM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you, Paul, and everyone for sharing on this topic. For me, learning scientific facts about alcoholism was a key in gaining compassion for the alcoholic. I don't disagree with the literature, I just have my own interpretation based on my experience.
Maybe it's a blessing that HP did not lead me to this knowledge until after my alcoholic loved one had passed away. I cannot use the knowledge in an attempt to control, only to understand. It's true, if I was seeking this knowledge at the wrong time and with the wrong motives, I might have used it in an attempt to control. I can just see myself saying, "Look, honey, I've figured out what's wrong with you."
As it is, I am enlightened with the knowledge of what I could not control -- what is going on in the cells of someone else's body -- and this has given me more compassion both for them and for myself.
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. I have a very analytical brain which does much better with concrete facts, real data, etc. vs. the alternative. I've spent more time than I care to admit trying to understand this disease as well as recovery - why some get it and some do not. In my own family, this disease has been passed down for several generations. Yet, of 4 offspring, I am the only one with this disease....or am I? Am I truly the only one or are my siblings in denial? Does it really matter or affect my own journey?
For those who don't have addictive tendencies, you can not and will not ever fully understand the control of the disease and how it affects the A. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person who fully knows in my mind that any mind-altering substance for me is NOT EVER the solution to my problems. Yet, that does not stop the disease from enticing, tempting, and pulling at me with a variety of thoughts suggesting 'just one' won't hurt. For many, it's daily, all day long. For some, it dissipates with time/recovery. For others, it does not. No amount of research and/or data can help the A understand this or those who love them help them.
Perhaps it's an age/stage issue, but as I've embraced recovery, the Why has become way less important to me. As faith has replaced fear in my program, I no longer need to give the analytical side of my brain the power to lead me. There is no amount of research that will explain why someone I love dearly who was active, healthy and well died of a stroke at the age of 53. There is no amount of research that will explain why another I love, sober for 30+ years, decided buying a bottle of vodka on the way home to drink was a good choice. The older I get, the less I know and/or understand about our human experience, what makes another tick and why bad things happen to good people, including this disease.
Keeping things simple helps me stay present and letting go of why helps me stay hopeful, serene and joyful. For me, that need to have the answers and the why's was just another way for me to be in denial about my own role and/or 'isms'. For me today, when I begin my 'why' thinking process, I truly need to get right back to Step One to remind myself how powerless I really am in so many ways over so many things...
Happy Tuesday from the frozen tundra of the middle of the country. It's a balmy 6 degrees here - hibernating is perfectly good for me, just for today!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me, I need to know what the problem/issue is, especially when my Serenity has been affected or I lose it. I agree with SunnyFrogs, I need to understand. When I can, that stops me from driving myself mad. When I first came into Al-Anon, I knew that the alcohol was the problem, but didn't know anything about the Addictions. Disease of Alcoholism and what it does, and how it affects the Alcoholic and the Family members.
It was in both Al-Anon and AA and listening to a lot of sharings from both Al-Anon and AA members, I learnt about what happens, and why. Then I could get the understanding, and start to have compassion, both for myself and others.
& 
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