The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I opened up my online Journal that I've been writing in since probably 2010 or 2011. On the side is a list of all the entry titles and I was sad and surprised to see just how many are about AH and all of our problems and fights. I was even sadder to realize how many years this has been going on and nothing has changed. It hasn't got any better, it's all got so soooo much worse.
I didn't read any of the entries,I don't need to or want to,I already know what they all say. I started scrolling through the titles and deleting them, sending them to trash. That's what they are to me,just trash. Just me blaming him for everything,blaming all the problems on him and his addiction. Talking about how much I want my life to change,how I wish he would change,etc.
I'm letting all that trash go as of right now. Why keep those entries,are they just a record of how horrible things have been to use as proof? Are they my excuse to hold onto so much resentment and anger? I don't need them or want them anymore.
I want to fill my journal with helpful things,things about ME,things that will actually help ME grow and change. There are some good entries in there too though,times when I was actually happy. Good memories,good times. I want more of those.
I didn't realize just how obsessed I've been before this morning. I didn't realize how much I had completely lost myself either.
I've taken out 70 bags of trash so far(entries), it's gonna take awhile to get rid if it all because there's so much to sort through.
I've needed Alanon for so long. I wish I had done this years ago but better late than never I guess.
Sunny, thank you for sharing how you are de-cluttering trash from the past. It sounds like a great form of self-care.
I'm not one that saves everything, but not very long ago I spent a good chunk of time (and money to junk-hauling and paper-shredding services) relieving myself of reminders of a past that doesn't make me feel good.
I keep things pretty minimal these days. Every once in a while I remember something bad that happened -- just as a memory, not by coming across something written or saved -- and mostly now it makes me feel so much gratitude for how my life is better now.
Great share SF - love, love, love the whole concept of taking out the trash. Your post made me consider the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. I love your awareness that 'those journal entries' are just that - the past, moments in time, unpleasant. You're accepting you no longer need them & don't want them is great growth and then tossing them (action) must be so rewarding.
Aha moments are typically (for me) precursors to growth, and rarely pain free. Each time I am dealing with wreckage from my past, I am reminded that my best growth has often come from great painful moments. Keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
SF, you are describing steps towards health! I too, was obsessed, and have to practice all my tools to stay on top of the past hurts and remain in the present day. My first sponsor had me writing about assets and gratitudes daily. That helped me start healing, letting go of the past, and repairing my self-esteem. And finally, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER is exactly how I feel. I could have used alanon years and years ago, but here I am now, and Im grateful. I can cry over spilled milk, or make lemonade out of lemons. Lets toast with lemonade!
