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Post Info TOPIC: Need Some Input!


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:
Need Some Input!


I have been working the 12 steps for the past 4 weeks.  Have to admit when I restarted, I looked over my

original work back in 2014, cause I saved what I did, that it was a real help to see that what I did was

basically the same as now!  Not sure if that is good or bad.  

The reason I need input is because I feel stuck.  AH has been doing some really, I think, weird stuff:  Like

mumbling loudly from his little office, swearing at things and/or people on his phone from work and on the

computer.  I know he is drinking in there, but it is really getting on my nerves.  This afternoon I asked him

who is he swearing and threatening and of course he storms back into his office and hands me his phone to

read an e-mail from someone at work requesting something that he feels is stupid.  I did not read the mail

and just put the phone back on his desk.  He proceeded to rant at me about how he should retire (which is a

dig at me, because I am retired, but I am 6 years older then him) and I could immediately tell that he was

going to turn this into a dumping fest on me for me asking who he was fighting with.  I kept my mouth 

shut and went back to my computer and put on earphones.  I can tell at this point that the mumbling and

swearing has abated substantially, but boy did I pay the price for opening my mouth and asking him a 

question.  

I feel so cornered right now, like I need peace but all there seems to be is anger and animosity and I

really want to get past it and find my peace of mind.  I would so like to be on my own right now, but I

know it really isn't the right time, trust me I know me.

Your input would be so appreciated!! 

Ya know what I did and I want to thank you all who read this and to anyone who would like to give me

their thoughts, but I sit at my computer in the afternoon and chat with you guys, a few friends from 

High School on FB and I also follow my nutrition on an on-line app.  So I put on some really nice 

Winter Jazz music and put my headphones on after I wrote this post and I'll be damned if that was

what I needed.  I know I can't get away completely right now, and know that I am detaching the best

way I can.  There are times when a girl needs a bit more peace and this music did it for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-gxNYXogKU

I'm trying and thought I would share!!!

 

 

 



-- Edited by Debb on Wednesday 13th of January 2021 06:06:38 PM

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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 143
Date:

I read your post earlier today and honestly I felt like I didn't have the right to respond since I have so many issues of my own. But coming back and reading the rest that you added I decided to say something afterall.



Every question I have asked AH since yesterday has ended up with me wishing I hadn't asked anything at all. It's getting to the point where it's not worth the back lash I am going to receive in return. I am getting so much better at just walking away from it though ,maybe not every time but way much more than before. It's very tiring tbh and I keep asking myself is this really how I want to spend my life, married to someone that I can't even ask a simple question? With everything going on though with the pandemic and finances, I am here for now and I am doing my best to just detach.

Music is my go to. I like to find full albums on Youtube and put on headphones as I am doing other things. I usually listen to music from my teenage years, the old school stuff, because it makes me feel peaceful and happy. There's no way I can listen to it and not feel good. There's been days I have had my headphones on pretty much the entire day. Sometimes I dance around the house too.

And as a side note ,there's been plenty of times I have worn the headphones so that AH thinks I am listening to music when I'm not. And when he starts complaining or ranting I point to them so he knows I can't hear him. It works ,LOL. I don't really use earbuds that much anymore because he can't see them because of my hair. But the headphones, the big, old school type, they can't be missed.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 932
Date:

Some people know how to get right under your skin. I sent some mail to my.former roommate. The mail is delayed. He made a huge fuss 

He was incredibly irritating. I.had to deal with that daily for 4 months last year 

 

4 whole months of that. Now I do not need to deal wuth him anymore for a while. I would get so exasperated by his stand offs I would go totally into.my inner critic 

Now I.am able to observe it. There is a gap i between it 

Some people are monumentally.selfish 

 

Maresie 



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:

Thank you so much SunnyFrogs and Maresie888!!

The music was something I had not thought of doing and it does calm the situation for me down so much!!

I do use the big headphones but need to stay close to the computer because of the cord. Gonna have to

get some cordless headphones!!

I am stuck between a rock and hard place too, finances and the pandemic are two of the largest issues,

so finding a way to work around these issues is an enormous help. Since I asked AH who he was swearing

and threatening, the mumbling and ranting have stopped, which is great, but had to pay the price for asking

him a question. Will move on and try my best! Thank you both for your help!

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2805
Date:

Debb, It's sounds like you have some nice alternatives to enmeshment in place - things for just yourself that give you pleasure. You know you deserve nurturing and are making it a priority. One thing I have needed to work on through the years is circling back to focusing on myself rather than engaging in and attempting a fix to another's issue. I've learned to be comfortable with others discomfort and understand that it isn't about me. There's nothing I need to do about it. At best I may say something like I'm sorry you're having a bad day, sorry that's happening to you or something similar and I know you'll figure it out. I no longer engage in the particulars of the situation with those I've found use me as a dumping ground to vent, then project everything on me that they'd like to actually say to the person they're actually angry with. Sometimes its them self. Part of my self care in Alanon is to not set myself up for this and to not feel guilty about not it. What I found through my step work is a satisfaction in helping resolve others problems. In my humble opinion, this is why many Alanon going into helping professions. And of course I at times have chosen to go to the hardware store for bread with unavailable people believing I would be rewarded with the emotional intimacy I longed for with that person. I have done and continue to work on acceptance and compassion of myself and others. I continue to connect with my higher power for greater clarity concerning what is and isn't my responsibility, healthy boundaries and the balance between loving detachment vs detaching with an axe. I want to be kind to others but not at the expense of myself, my serenity. Hope you have a great rest of the day doing things you enjoy. (((hugs))) TT

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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Online
Posts: 2562
Date:

 

 aww asking for input... huh...??? 

   I wondered what Winter Jazz was so I took up the link and am playing it now.

I use music a lot for my C-PTSD- and it actually does work! Not right away usually-

but calm has a way of sneaking up... biggrin ... Getting by- I use the word "adult" as a verb.

Just having common sense, middle of the road, conversations is a real novelty for me.

Kick back- relax talk about the weather- and any other stuff that springs to mind. smile ...



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:

Thank you TT for your ESH and service and response to my post.

I am so grateful to be part of this group because it gives me an opportunity to learn from all of you.

I am and will always be a work in progress.

{{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 131
Date:

David, go glad you followed the link and like the music!

I thought it was wonderful.

You are right, having an adult, common sense, middle of the road conversation

is a novelty. What a shame, but will have to concentrate on me, like TT said

and avoid the questions/dumping and find those kick back and relaxing things

that will lead me to my peace!

Thank you David for your response, so greatly appreciate it.

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 932
Date:

Debb 

There is no adult.conversation.with the former roommate.  I.no longer live in his house 

I deal with tedious obnoxious people daily. 

It is an art but I.am.much more up

For the art now than ever before 

The techniques that Sunnyfrogs put out are innovative. In theory it is called #greybar# do not feed the fire 

The main piece is to give up the #longing# 

At one time your A met some needs. Now he does not 

Of course there are survival straregies.  In the.middle of a pandemic you have to move carefully.  That is very very carefully.   In essence you are guaranteed to be irritated 

Totally triggered maybe not 

Practive and patience helps 

Maresie 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2495
Date:

Debb - good for you in finding what can work for you NOW. I too used music/ear buds!

Hold onto that serenity, any way you can!



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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  ~ Mary Oliver

 

 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 143
Date:

Debb, Bluetooth headphones work great and don't even cost very much anymore. They work with every device that I own, which is great.

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