The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read your post earlier today and honestly I felt like I didn't have the right to respond since I have so many issues of my own. But coming back and reading the rest that you added I decided to say something afterall.
Every question I have asked AH since yesterday has ended up with me wishing I hadn't asked anything at all. It's getting to the point where it's not worth the back lash I am going to receive in return. I am getting so much better at just walking away from it though ,maybe not every time but way much more than before. It's very tiring tbh and I keep asking myself is this really how I want to spend my life, married to someone that I can't even ask a simple question? With everything going on though with the pandemic and finances, I am here for now and I am doing my best to just detach.
Music is my go to. I like to find full albums on Youtube and put on headphones as I am doing other things. I usually listen to music from my teenage years, the old school stuff, because it makes me feel peaceful and happy. There's no way I can listen to it and not feel good. There's been days I have had my headphones on pretty much the entire day. Sometimes I dance around the house too.
And as a side note ,there's been plenty of times I have worn the headphones so that AH thinks I am listening to music when I'm not. And when he starts complaining or ranting I point to them so he knows I can't hear him. It works ,LOL. I don't really use earbuds that much anymore because he can't see them because of my hair. But the headphones, the big, old school type, they can't be missed.
Some people know how to get right under your skin. I sent some mail to my.former roommate. The mail is delayed. He made a huge fuss
He was incredibly irritating. I.had to deal with that daily for 4 months last year
4 whole months of that. Now I do not need to deal wuth him anymore for a while. I would get so exasperated by his stand offs I would go totally into.my inner critic
Now I.am able to observe it. There is a gap i between it
Debb, It's sounds like you have some nice alternatives to enmeshment in place - things for just yourself that give you pleasure. You know you deserve nurturing and are making it a priority. One thing I have needed to work on through the years is circling back to focusing on myself rather than engaging in and attempting a fix to another's issue. I've learned to be comfortable with others discomfort and understand that it isn't about me. There's nothing I need to do about it. At best I may say something like I'm sorry you're having a bad day, sorry that's happening to you or something similar and I know you'll figure it out. I no longer engage in the particulars of the situation with those I've found use me as a dumping ground to vent, then project everything on me that they'd like to actually say to the person they're actually angry with. Sometimes its them self. Part of my self care in Alanon is to not set myself up for this and to not feel guilty about not it. What I found through my step work is a satisfaction in helping resolve others problems. In my humble opinion, this is why many Alanon going into helping professions. And of course I at times have chosen to go to the hardware store for bread with unavailable people believing I would be rewarded with the emotional intimacy I longed for with that person. I have done and continue to work on acceptance and compassion of myself and others. I continue to connect with my higher power for greater clarity concerning what is and isn't my responsibility, healthy boundaries and the balance between loving detachment vs detaching with an axe. I want to be kind to others but not at the expense of myself, my serenity. Hope you have a great rest of the day doing things you enjoy. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
There is no adult.conversation.with the former roommate. I.no longer live in his house
I deal with tedious obnoxious people daily.
It is an art but I.am.much more up
For the art now than ever before
The techniques that Sunnyfrogs put out are innovative. In theory it is called #greybar# do not feed the fire
The main piece is to give up the #longing#
At one time your A met some needs. Now he does not
Of course there are survival straregies. In the.middle of a pandemic you have to move carefully. That is very very carefully. In essence you are guaranteed to be irritated
Debb - good for you in finding what can work for you NOW. I too used music/ear buds!
Hold onto that serenity, any way you can!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." ~ Mary Oliver
asking for input... huh...??? 
... Getting by- I use the word "adult" as a verb.
...