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Post Info TOPIC: Courage to Change Saturday


~*Service Worker*~

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Courage to Change Saturday


"Today my best is good enough."

Today's reading is about learning to validate yourself. To stop looking for validation from outside sources. Examples were given: the work project was a success, but somehow we are not satisfied unless someone says so. Or the dinner prepared was delicious and nutritious, yet we feel a failure b/c no one told us what a wonderful meal it was. Or favors (for whomever)are given, yet we build resentments when we are not thanked.

Sound familiar? The reading goes on to say that we all need an occasional pat on the back, but when the applause of others becomes the reason for my behavior and necessary for me to feel satisfied, then I have given them power over me. WE HAVE HANDED OVER OUR POWER. If we can learn to evaluate and value our own judgment, then the approval of others will just be icing on the already delicious cake!

Today's Reminder

Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval. I will provide it for myself. I will allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best that I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hate to admit it, but this was me. I did not feel appreciated enough. I did not feel that others could understand all that I did, and give me that pat on the back I so desperately wanted.  But the majority of the time, I had the bulwark of the job (any job) b/c I could not let go of the results should others take control. So it was also a control issue. Within my home, I built up resentments. Oh, I tried not to. I mean, that's the healthy thing to do, right? So I had internal struggles... a lot. I was very often unhappy, but wore a mask/skin of happiness.  Through Al-Anon I have come to learn that this behavior is mine to own. I was doing this way before an addicted spouse entered the picture. I now know that it stems from my FOO. Not anything bad or earth-shattering, just how I grew up never measuring up to my brilliant younger brother. In my eyes, he had it so easy... if he desired it, he somehow attained it. Sometimes through sheer luck, but most of the time through hard work. He made everything seem so easy, so I never saw the hard work. The adult me knows this to be true... my younger self did not. Al-Anon is helping me to understand that I give my power away when I seek outside validation beyond the "norm." Doing a good job should be enough... I am learning to accept that my own evaluation is enough.

A beautiful sunny day here. My NFL team is playing later today, so I have many things to get done so I can relax and cheer them on! Enjoy your Saturday everyone!

&



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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  ~ Mary Oliver

 

 



Senior Member

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PNP, thank you for your ESH and service for today's reading!

I do have to admit, that it is nice to hear that you made someone happy with your efforts, whatever they may be.

The one thing that I was always surprised about was in the work setting, I was a kind of nose to the grindstone kind of

employee and did not want to stand out, just be part of the team effort. Under those circumstances, maybe because

I did not want to be recognized above my peers, that I really did not want anyone to say thank-you.

Do really agree, that when I give of myself that I do it, not for the recognition but because it really is the right thing to do.

 

 

 



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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie



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I have never really expected anyone to ever thank me ,tell me I am appreciated, etc. It's nice to hear when it happens but it's not really something I have sought after or longed for. I feel happiest when I do something anonymously, like helping some random person out without them ever knowing it was me. I don't need or want the recognition.

That being said, in my marriage, in my personal relationships, it would be great to be acknowledged every now and then.




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~*Service Worker*~

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  aww Hi P. and Hi, Debbs and Sunny... smile ...

      There were different ways in, our me- to keep the focus on myself. Because if i didn't do it, no-one else was going to!

      It got me through Concept 4. "Participation is the key to harmony."

      Harmony was the key word- which i used to try and create all around me, like a little ray of sunshine!

      Then I realised that is was personal internal harmony, that was working for me. Healthy internal detachment.

      To get to the core of the issues. To manage what I could. To mind my own business first. 

       But to recognise others- to listen and be listened to. To be heeded. Is to die for... !

      aww Sunday morning here. A bit chilly for summer. aww ...



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Each Alanon member is my teacher.                                                                                                                  



~*Service Worker*~

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Happy Saturday evening MIP! Thank you PnP for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. When I ponder the thought that my best is good enough, I can sit with that today. Before recovery, I was in a perpetual state of chasing perfection and had extremely high expectations of others. I worked my backside off at work and never did it for the recognition or the kudos. It's just the way I approached everything - 'work hard, and you shall be rewarded'...

That 'reward' for me was, for many years, superficial - more money, better title, nicer home, cooler car, etc. It took me a long while in recovery to mature to a point where I believe and embrace who I am and what I am not. One of my favorite shares is that I believe deep within that I am designed to be perfectly imperfect. I am not expected to do all things right, make perfect choices, etc. I am designed to be human, be of service and contribute in a positive way, one day at a time.

I no longer go to bed at night thinking of all that I did not get done. Instead, I celebrate each day what went well and consider what could be improved. I no longer beat myself up when things go wrong or I make a wrong choice; I instead look for the lessons to be learned. Lastly, no matter what is going on around me, I try as best I can to lean into my HP and my program because that's where I found my center after hard work and where I now find comfort and peace when I am disturbed, restless or discontent.

Tomorrow or yesterday, I might think different or be different, which is OK too - I strive for progress and not perfection. I do spend time each day during self-care reminding myself that I am enough, exactly as I am, no matter what the day brings forward. Love and light all - (((Hugs))) too.

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks for your service pnp and to all for the shares. This definitely brings back quite a few sad memories of how many of my actions were audience directed and motivated by seeking love, acceptance and approval. Many of these choices were generated by my fear of rejection or worse yet abandonment. Through this extreme people pleasing, I kept others close through abandoning myself. If you complimented me, I couldn't simply say thank you. I minimized my accomplishments, abilities etc. I couldn't see my gifts. Despite being raised with a supportive and loving parent and loving extended family, it was the alcoholic parent's negative opinion of me that I held closest. Why was I not enough to them? If I tried harder, was better, maybe I could win them over. Of course this is where perfectionism has it's roots. I am so grateful to not be hostage to fear of abandonment or perfectionism today. At our house, neither of us do things to gain the approval of the other. We just do them simply because we want to. We are believers in saying thank you but that's because we're program people and understand that if we are going to thank others it's nice to be caring enough to thank each other. Neither of us however is just waiting for that thank you and if it doesn't come, are wiping the sweat from our brow and sighing heavily ( I once had a mother in law like that ;) No martyrs here just people doing what needs to be done and accepting help that's offered. There no desire to do it all for any accolades. Happy to ask for and accept help these days. And shared responsibility at home just like in our rooms of recovery is about accepting differing styles doing things to be of service or perform a task. So today, I much prefer someone to say I'd like to volunteer to help rather than I'd like to thank you for all you do. And it's been my experience as David mentioned "participation is the key to harmony." TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 932
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Learning to validate myself is about truly.comimg home 

 

Truly embracimg myself and making a home for myself within 

How blessed I am to.be even considering that 

Maresie 



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