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Hi, I wonder how many of you feel the same way? I feel less important to my husband then his friends, his beer, then anything. Because of being in a "dysfunctional" marriage, I have no clue what a marriage is supposed to be like.
Here's an example. I have a strange schedule, work in a nursing home, so have every other weekend off & one weekday. Hubby is a truck driver, has no set run. So, basically the only days we have off together is every other weekend. I only see him briefly when I come home from work @ 11:45pm. I had vacation time the week after Easter. He had to work that Mon. & Tues. we both had Wednes. off. Now, we won't have day off together until this coming weekend.
Wednes. we spent the better part of the day working on trimming the limbs in our yard (had 2 huge black walnut & 1 huge maple cut.) Foolish me thought we could do something more enjoyable that evening, cook out, hang out together. Then he says he has to go see Harold (his drinking buddy who lives next door.) Now, mind you when I work my weekend, he spends the days with Harold & his other drinking buddy.
I said can't you go just one day without seeing Harold? Oh, he had to talk to him about stuff. He was looking for a motorcycle for his bratty daughter. He had to go discuss that with Harold. He tells me he has important things to discuss with his friends. He is so important! Blah, blah, blah!!!
So, last night I told him for the millionth time, that I feel used, not important. I don't want to be intimate with him. I feel cheap & that's a terrible way to feel with your husband. But, I feel like that because I feel like dirt to him.
I told him today, he called to check on me & see if I had cancelled his dr. appt. that when we retire, we'll probably split up, if we last that long!
He tells me that he thinks about me all the time. I say, yeah when your drinking beer with your buddies? He says that he loves me & that I am important to him. I tell him, lies, lies, it's all lies, because actions speak louder then words & your actions say otherwise!!!
It's nothing for him to spend 3-4 hrs with buddies drinking beer. But to give me that amount of time! Heck no!!!!!!!!! I'm going to move into the spare bedroom. I have dressers in here with clothes, my computer, all my "stuff" is already in here.
I don't know if I am just depressed, I do have major depression. Went off my meds. Hate taking them, put weight on. I don't know, just feel so darned down right about now. So not sure if I am overeacting, don't think so, have felt this way for a long, long time.
In 1992, he & I moved to Fla. together, I was soooo fed up with his family, I told him I'm going with or without you. We moved, things were great! We got married in 1993, things were great! We did stuff together. now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be glued to him 24/7!!!! Just be able to spend time doing something without buddies!!!
Moved back to NY April 1995, things were still good. You see at this time, he didn't have close drinking buddies.
Bought this house 1996, he met Keith, it went downhill from there. THe "hanging out" in the garage drinking beer every night off!!!!! Our marriage has been on decline ever since.
Sorry to have rattled on & on! lol. But, it just gets to me & this is a safe place to vent. I am so glad I found this site, was wearing out family & friends that dont understand!
Yes I know that feeling. Actually for many years I felt like he was having an affair and pot was "the other woman".
My "A" has left me alone for hours to be with his drinking buddies. He has given them things, and just over all puts them before me and the kids. And to tell you the truth him putting the "friends" of his before the kids p***ed me off more than him putting me last.
I started to think about it. And it probably is easier for him to be with them, because it is easier to not feel guilty with them. With me, he knows how I want him to be clean and sober. He knows he is hurting us and hurting the kids, but it is easier to pretend it really isn't that bad if he isn't around us.
I got into my alanon and started doing things for me. I was able to take the focus off of what he wasn't doing and started to focus on what he was doing. It helped.
Keep coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can so relate to your feelings - I felt so neglected before recovery entered our lives, and even now that we are both in our seperate programs, I can still feel that emptiness.
My sponsor suggested that rather than wait for my "a" to make time to spend with me, to start making plans on my own - explain my activities to include other healthy friends. Also, it was very common for us to have plans and then for my "a" to cancel or be a "no show". So now I always try to a back-up plan. This program helped me realize that I a worthy to have a nice time eating out, movie, visiting, with or without my husband. I will very easily get back in the routine of only making plans with him, his friends or his family - I have to make the effort to break that routine. Try being good to you and find out what you enjoy doing
One Day At a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Boy do I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel the same way. My husband has ALWAYS chosen his friends over me & the kids. He will drop whatever he is doing to go help his buddies w/their latest projects and stay all day & late into the night drinking. (Of course now it isn't just the drinking but cocaine too - not getting many projects completed that way). Anyway, he has always been this way, since we were dating in high school. For a long time I used the excuse that he just needed time to grow up and adjust to being married and being a father. Nope. That was just me refusing to see it for what it really is.
He gives me the same lines you said your AH gives you....He loves me, thinks I am the most beautiful woman on Earth, can't live w/out me, thinks I am wonderful - blah blah blah. All these things & he still manages to be gone for days at a time and sleeps w/other women and drinks w/his buddies.
And I tend to feel like a cheap whore whenever we are together. Like I am only having sex w/him so he will come home or just to keep the peace. I have cried many times when we have been together, thinking what have I become, why do I feel this way w/my husband? No matter how hard I try to justify his behavior, it always comes back making me feel used and cheap. Like he only comes home to me when nothing better is going on. And he is a no-show for plans if his buddies call...he doesn't even bother to call me & tell me he won't be there.
Sorry for going on and on....I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I too feel like that I have no clue what it feels like to have a normal marriage. But does anyone really? I look at what married couples have in sitcoms and have to remind myself that it is not real life. I am living real life. And even those marriages I see every day that appear to be perfect, really may not be so perfect behind closed doors. HOWEVER, I do realize that the way I am treated is not in any way NORMAL. And one day, after I have divorced my AH (pretty much more than likely to happen), if I ever met someone else, I probably wouldn't know what to do if they devoted all of their attn on me. Heck I might even feel smothered after a bit. And look back at the way things used to be and wish I was ignored a bit more. I guess the saying, "the grass is greener on the other side" holds true. And I guess I don't want to go from one extreme (ignored & used) to the next (smothered).
Although I could handle being pampered & treated like a Queen for a while...hmmmm....need to make a trip to a spa...get some pampering, even if it is for an hour. haha.
I hope this helps...rather I gave no advice but wanted you to know you are not alone.
Dear horselover, You raise a good question here. You are beginning to be clear about what YOU want in a relationship and what you do not want. That is the power of the Program. Do this: go to face to face meetings, get a sponsor, and start working the steps. You'll find answers you did not think were there before. Blessings, mebjk
I used to cry as my A walked out the door, I remember too saying "can't you stay with me just this one day?"
My A is sober now and I am able to question him about his previous actions. He said when you want a drink, you can justify about anything. I asked him what he used to tell himself..why was it OK to walk out the door.. He said he would tell himself that it was "just for a few hours" or "at least he's not seeing another woman, it's innocent" or "he wanted to watch the game at the Sprts Bar"
...but the bottom line was he wanted/needed to drink and he would tell himself about anything not to have to face that reality and justify it in any way possible. Truly, it's not about you HL, it's about wanting to drink. That's right from the sober horse's mouth.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Christy, Thank you for your response!! I know it's not me. In fact, I have even told my husband what your has told you, that it is all about the beer. I do go to f2f meetings, have a sponsor, come here as often as I can, usually every day, if only for a little while, call my Alanon friends. I have girlfriends that dont drink. We do things together, our schedules don't allow al ot of time for that. Most of my friends don't live close by, unlike his right next door! But, I thought being married, you spent some quality time with your spouse? Any way, glad to know I am not alone in the feelings.
QOD, You said it. I was being discreet, but it is true, sex with him makes me feel like a cheap whore, just used!!!!!!!! Hey, we should start charging. lol. I don't think he is cheating. Last night he was really desperate, he was leaving Tuesday morning for a lay-over (truck driver.) He rarely does lay overs. He doesn't have his own route, so fills in when & wherever needed. I asked him if there was a cute manager on the route & would he be tempted?
I do things with my friends, but they don't live close, my best friend lives about 20+ miles away, she works "normal" hours, 9-5 Mon.-Fri., I work "abbynormal hours" 3-11pm, only every other weekend off, plus, she doen't have a car. Needless to say, we rarely see each other.
My other friend lives a little further, she works my shift, but we have opposite weekends off. We do try yo take same days off & go horseback riding as much as we can.
I go to f2f, but can only go every other week. Working this shift is tough. Living so far out from friends is tough. His A friends live close, one is our nieghbor, lucky me. I am not friends with the wife, she's an A too!!!!!!
Besides, my friends have lives, they don't want me stuck up their a...es all the time, like he is with his A friends. I even told him I thought he was homosexual. He says don't be ridiculous, I said I'm not, I really thought he was!!!!!!!!! I told him no heterosexual man spends as much time with other men!!!!!!!! I don't want him up my butt either, but a happy medium would be nice, but it's not possible with an A.
There aren't many people around here, house not close, didn't grow up here, it's farm country. Major attraction is the 2 local bars. lol.
Thank you for responding. At least I know I'm not alone. I still think I'm going to move into the spare bedroom. That way he won't be temtped to bother me.Yeah right!!
Horselover - that is hilarious what you said about asking him if he was homosexual b/c I honestly have wondered that about my AH before too. I thought the same as you "no heterosexual man should want to spend THAT MUCH time w/other men". It just didn't make sense to me. lol. I even had a nightmare about him and his 2 best friends one time when we were just dating...I was only 17 but had already picked up on his need to hang w/his buddies and drink. How weird is that? I should have followed my gut way back then. hahaha.
He couldn't be more heterosexual though. But it is just so funny that you mentioned that thought. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, it is tooooo strange. lol. When we were dating, he didn't have his head up his friends butts. We were together 4 yrs. before we got married. I was 31 when we met & 35 when we got married!!!! First time for me!!!! Figured he was decent enough. Boy was I WRONG!!!!! But, I didn't see this side of him until we bought this house & he met A's that live close!!! He was a little put off by the remark, but my God! It aint normal. lol. I tell him my frindes have lives. lol They dont want me up thier butts! lol.
I think being a chronic people pleaser and an enabler and a rescuer I did not "see" people for a long long time. I was far far too busy trying to please them and rescue them. One of the big issues with the A I live with is and was his friends. Luckily for me one of his most destructive friends has had to go back to his wife who lives in another part of the state. I think having studied A's some that some of what they do with others is "merge". That is they go be grandiose together. My A wants to have his own business (well I should say businesses). He wants to rule the world. The most destructive friend he had was similarly incredibly grandiose. You'd think he could run the world the way he carried on. Shame he never could last at any job because they got sick of him telling them what to do. I'll say to this day that if that many ever shows his face again that I will leave the A right away. Of course in reality leaving immediately is not something that many of us can do. Nevertheless I do think of escape routes because that man in particular his invasion of my boundaries was legion. I have to continually remind the A of my boundaries. I do not want people in my home in a boundaryless way ever again.
I have definitely been in the place of feeling tremendous anger, bewilderment and betrayal at the A. These days I try to take care of me what is the next thing on my list. I no longer resuce the A compulsively. His mother is one cruel, selfish person (I actually wrote something else but I changed it because I know that some people on this list do not like bad language and i respect them). For my boyfriend's birthday she gave him a cup she got free from some vendor at work. In the past I would have been over identified with the A about that. Now I accept that he chooses to interact with her. He can but I choose not to. She has been rude to me and people do not get too many opportunities to be rude to me anymore.
I'd have to say unequivocally that being in Al-anon and being in therapy (once again I have been in therapy a lot in my life) has helped me to focus on what I need rather than my own anger and betayal at the A. Some of my anger was my own at myself that I should somehow be super woman and get through to this man that he is hurting me. He does not "get" it but I do not have to beat myself up for it. I set tremendous limits in my life these days. When the A's former friend used to come over I locked the doors. I would not deal with him on any level. He thought he could bombard me and manipulate me to get me to back down on my limit with him. I never did. He left I did not. These days if someone is apt to cross boundaries I know it. I do not welcome it. I set limits with lots of people these days and I practice it relgiously. I also make requests of the A. I do not give him my rage/anger in the same way but I make requests that he do certain things. I no longer try to rescue him or manipulate him to get my needs met. I meet my needs I do not ask him to. So things did improve. I can't say I want to remain with him the rest of my life and the mere thought of his mother makes my blood curl. I am however not over involved with him anymore. Last year his mother gave him girl scout cookies for his birthday and I totally over reacted. This year she gave him the cup. I told him she got the cup free at work but I said nothing more than that. It is not for me to take her inventory in front of him. I would say though that her cup giving made me even more resolute that I want nothing more to do with her. I do not however volunteer that to my boyfriend I just take actions that ensure that I do not deal with her.
