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Post Info TOPIC: Not responding as a technique


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 645
Date:
Not responding as a technique


I still have to deal with my forner roommate because my dog is atayimg at his house. I am within a few weeks of being able to bring ny dog back to the building i live in. The rennovation of the building (which has been all year) is almost over For 20 years I have been friends with someone who deliberately tried to trigger undermine and uoset me. For 20 years I have grieved raged and been triggered by his actions. For 20 years I believed he had my back. For 20 years I have reacted and been upset by hus behavior i was gaslightex so sucessfully by him. He has a whole repetoire.of gasligting The crisis point was this year going to stay with him when my apartment was being rennovated. A 6 week saty was 4 months because there was extensive woek on my apartment. Meantime he went through every trick in the book to make me dee bad, unwelcome and unworthy. At one point he yelled at me wheb ai was very sick and on my way to the hospital. The gaslighting was constant, unremitting and targeted. He waa at his peak. What was worse was that I then had to leave.my dog with him because of problems at my apartment. He has gaslighted ne daiky a out how my dog is now #his# how much better 9ff the dog is.with hom.as well as his constant remjnder to pay him for the peiviledge. However this latest round was different. First of all vecame ill, pretty seriously ill and had to be off work for weeks. By then thankfully I returned to my apartment. Secondly much of the work I had out in in al.anon was paying off. I got some space around his efforts to #trigger# and make me feel awful. Then I managed to perfect the pause tool. I inserted some space in the inevitable reaction to his efforts. I also became more adept at detaching. Most of all I had to greive that that relationship was not going to be.one I wqnted or needed Of course the relationship has.not ended .i am not in a position to retrieve my dog yet. Nevertheless now his efforts to trigger and dimnish me.have atipped working. So has my reactiveness. Now I merely feel sad that he chooses to behave that way. I know as long as I was reactive to him my business with him was unfinished. Moreover now I believe I.do not know.who or.why he behaves as he.does. The relief of not having an extreme response.tothis.individual is.immense. He chose to behave abominabky whe. I was satying with him. His efforts to gaslight continue unabated. As far as he us concerned he is landing his jabs. He has absolutely no interst in how I am doing I owe him nothing. I just have to hold steady until .can my dog. Nevertheless is is a.huge relief to be.out of the scirxhed earth response to his vindicative mean vicious behavior. I can walk away knowing that he didnt get to crush me.one.more time. I have many of these relationships. Most didnt last 20 years This time I cracked the codes and triggers that had me trapped. The day I bring jmy dog home will not be the endmof this because I ended it when I stopped responding. Any th7ng agter that is a whole other eelationship one.that doesnt cinsist of me being obliterated.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2003
Date:

WOW!!! Maresie, powerful share and great insight...the way to shut down a narcisstic or any toxic, drama queen/king is to shut them down with kind detachment, NON engageing them...don't give them ANY thing to "grasp onto" to play that old roller coaster games....I've had good practice with foster children and that horrid roommate...when I stopped engaging, responding to her, she had nothing to go on and stayed more in her lane, knowing that I was not going to respond, except for that eviction notice telling her to vacate her room, on or before JUN 3rd...she tried the old, crying, begging, promises thing and I just merely said "NO...eviction is NON negotiable" and I walked away....I was prepared, as she was living with me and sharing space, so the rules are different, especially if one over 65 is being tormented by trauma (and I had documentation of the ying yang) I COULD have just had the cops "put her out" but my prayers were answered...she behaved until she got out of here...I think she knew the jig was up.....

I TRULY hope you can get your doggie out of there...is he chipped??? ID's, vet bills in YOUR name in case you have to get authorities to help you retrieve your pet, IF he refuses to give him up????? I would start gathering up all my evidence that the dog is MINE so when its time to take puppy home, you have proof he is yours

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Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 645
Date:

He doesnt want the dog he just wants to upset me. He has no intention of keeping him. I do not think.my.former roommate thinks the jig is up. He is still at it. The person who changed was me I am glad to have closure on this issue. This has been a terribly difficult year for me. Nevertheless it is one I will gain a lot from Confronting someone like my firmer roommate plays into his dynamic. He thrives on drama. He thrives on smashing people into the ground. Staying with him once again has reminded me how very vulnerable I am to gaslighting Maresie

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2003
Date:

well, Maresie, you now have a good grip on this...some people are just "walking lessons" and X friend seems to be one....I have had a lot of them in my life, but I take away something that helps in my growth and therefore, the "2 legged lessons" are becoming less and less.....

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 645
Date:

My dog is still not.home. i.am working towards that to be in October When my dog is home I will have a new set of challenges. I am looking forward to spending the holidays with him.

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2003
Date:

I'm glad you will have mr. doggie back home....and yea, my pets present challenges, but i would never give them up for anything....got 2 lab/pit bulls....great friends and protecters

__________________

Rose, a work in progress!!!

KEEP IT SIMPLE_EASY DOES IT_KEEP THE FOCUS ON ME



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 645
Date:

The dog has not come back. I am planning to bring him back when the rennovation in the building is over. I have another few weeks to go. When the dog comes back I will be cutting my.hours back at work. So it is stillvery much an ongoimg issue for me. No.forced solutions. Just a steady working towards ny goal (that is a better life). I miss my dog. I.also miss my.kife befire the pandemic. I.miss taking things for granted. That has gone now. There is no.#new normal# there is only I have no.idea what will happen next. Maresie

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