The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on one of the chief symptoms of the family disease of Alcoholism - Denial. The author reflects in wonder about how they didn't see what was happening with the addiction - alcoholism had left messy tracks all through the author's life, and at the time, the author didn't see them.
Denial is one of the ways many learn to cope with the disease - denying the drinker has a problem, denying one's own part in issues. Denial can help cope with the constant crisis, the broken promises, lost hopes, and embarrassments.
In Al-Anon, we can learn to face the disease, accept what is really going on, and give up surviving in exchange for beginning to live again. We learn more productive ways of coping with alcoholism, ways that do not cot as much in the loss of self.
Today's Reminder: At all times, I have done the best I was able to do. If my only way to cope with a difficult situation was to deny it, I can look back with compassion to that person who saw no better option at the time. I can forgive myself and count my blessings for having come so far since then.
Today's Quote: "Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in." Katherine Mansfield.
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Just back from 5 days in the woods - my first venture out of the house (save trips to the grocery store and dropping groceries off with elder family members) since the pandemic started. A good place for reflection and self-care for me. I was an avid practicer of denial before AlAnon. I can still get caught up in denial, laced with hope, if I don't watch myself. I decided to stay married to my AW, and I still find myself hoping that she will follow through on her promises. reflecting on this reading, I see that I set so upset because I'm practicing denial, laced with hope, that she will follow-through ALWAYS on her promises. That she will use words carefully, that she will say what she means, mean what she says, and not say it mean. But when that hope turns to an expectation, I feel the denial creeping in, and I know I'm setting myself up for a disappointment. At least I catch myself more quickly now, and use my AlAnon tools to cope with reality, so that the disease of Alcoholism doesn't leave such large and messy tracks on my life now.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks Skorpi for your service and honest share. I too, lived in denial for years about alcoholism and the effects it had on me. I also am with my A, at times hoping things can improve. But the merry go round is completed when I come back to reality with focus on me, letting go of expectations, and taking the best care of me that program is teaching. We who still live with our alcoholic have a different life experience than those who are no longer confronted on a daily basis with this disease. I also have to remember that I have choices, and it is my choice to stay put so far.
Thank you, Skorpi, for your service and for sharing this page. Denial -- I sometimes look back on my past actions and wonder if I was in denial or simply clueless -- but this topic is a reminder that it really doesn't matter. I was using the tools and attitudes that I had at the time.
I love, love, love how our program encourages us to be gentle on ourselves. Sometimes I'll hear, in meetings, people speaking rather harshly of themselves and their "disease" of al-anonism, their denial, their need to control. But our literature, and the sponsor I was blessed to have, always seem to take a gentler approach. They understand that we use the only tools we have at the moment, and there is a reason we resort to those tools until we acquire better ones.
I think I read here someone saying that denial is the shock-absorber of the soul. If I want to be compassionate to others, I think I first need to be compassionate towards myself. Some of my feelings, like anger and denial, serve a purpose -- it's just not a good idea to over-use them or get stuck in them.
I was so in denial. But I also suffered from put upon deflection, accusing, and gas-lighting practices from my spouse. I think my denial was that I was in a happy marriage, that I had control of everything on my plate, that 11 yrs of marriage counseling had "worked," that I could just LOVE the problem away. I was also in denial about what my spouse's behaviors were doing to my kid... for that I will always have some regret. So today I will focus on the Quote:
"Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in." Katherine Mansfield.
Keep moving forward, I always say!
Happy Hump Day, MIP Family!
Thank you HP for this day... I am alive, do not have COVID, and will be heading off to my job. Thank you for blessing me today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Skorpi for the daily and for your service...glad you got away and hope it was a lovely break from life as it is right now. I sat in denial before Al-Anon as it allowed me to get out of bed daily. I had no other tools and therefore, was in significant survival mode and denial worked well until it no longer did.
I am very familiar with this disease and the dangers of assuming I know it well. It remains cunning, baffling, powerful and present all around me. I am grateful that I have a recovery program and tools to be different and do different. That does not mean I have immunity from the direct or indirect affects.
My youngest has relapsed in a large way, not completely surprising to me yet still caught me off-guard. He crashed his car last night in a nearby city, driving under the influence. To avoid charges, he abandoned his car and took an uber home more than 60 miles.
I knew something was up because he's been isolating. I had hoped he was just working tons of hours yet had that gut feeling. I've done good staying on my side of the street but my heart hurts, my anxiety is through the roof and I am back to Step One.
I am asking any/all of you for any prayers you can muster up that he survives this relapse. If I am not around, you'll know I'm taking action locally for me and my own self-care.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh sis you got it okay and I sense you have left it out in the open for him to see and clean up. I'm sure he knows his mom and her program so find a bag of fertilizer and spread it all over him and the car and the buzzing that is coming next. I learned to do that myself rather than try to defy the word powerless in our first step. Without looking over my shoulder and carrying that look of concern that my eldest will finally sweep what is left of his life into ashes, I smugly walk with my HP and let the rest bump and grind to recovery hopefully.
I know God knows and knows that God knows so why would I entertain otherwise.
Peace and comfort to all of us and smile, smile, smile. ((((hugs))))
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