The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2020 has been the worst year for many, but it has been especially terrible for me. I got to start the year off with planning an intervention for my wife. It all started back in fall of 2019 when her father passed away. I had been busy with doing the lions share of taking the kids to sports volunteering for Hockey and school activities and her and I were not communicating well. She had all but blocked me out of her life. I hadnt realized she was popping so many meds as she was and taking some from co-workers as well. She hid this pretty well from me. What I did notice was her drinking was getting out of control and she was a very angry person towards me and the kids. She wasnt dealing with the death of her Father as she should. Just in the same fashion she never dealt with her brothers death. So she started drinking heavily and avoiding all the things with me and the kids so she could drink. She in January decided to help out this POS at her work with some programs to further his employment. I didnt like him from the moment I met him I let her know it too. As my gut told me they began to have an affair while I was doing all the work at home with the kids and working my job. By the end of March I was fed up with the 2 of them hanging out and I full out called her on it. She got angry denied everything and then spiraled out of control with Drugs and alcohol and staying out with this POS. I finally had to tell her family what she was doing as they had no idea this was happing. I felt horrible like I was being a tattle tale, but I was fed up and hurting really bad for me and for the kids. She told me one night that she didnt care about me or the kids. So speaking with her family we all discussed her issues and I told them I was going to have to send her to rehab and have an intervention with her. I think at first they all thought I was being too hard on her. I felt this way as well its really hard to make the decision that will change the rest of your life. I just didnt see any other way she wasnt trying to get help or make any of the changes she said she would. I was really glad I set it up for when I did. The night before we were to do the intervention I came into the kitchen and she had a knife to herself she was thinking about cutting herself and asked me to cut her so she would feel something. That night was the longest night of my life. She was hiding from all of us in my kids fort doing drugs and drinking alone on her phone most likely taking to the POS. I dont think I slept a wink waiting and playing out how the intervention was going to go the next day. Would she just run away and we were going to lose her. The next day we all gathered in my living room with the interventionist and went over our stories we had written just like on tv, but this was real this was actually happening in my living room. The kids were sent to their cousins to play so they didnt know what was happening. When she came home she had already been drinking and this was at 10am. We asked her to join us in the living room which she did (I thought she was going to run). We all read a letter to her stating how we loved her and how we needed her to get better. She stared at me with this look of pure disgust and laughed at all us of pouring our hearts out. I was the only one to read the ultimatum to her of what would happen if she didnt go. I almost thought I couldnt do it and then I thought could it really be any worse if I didnt say it. So if she would not go she would not have a home and she would not be allowed to see the kids until she got clean. She accepted to go and was extremely angry with me about it. She didnt want to say goodbye to the kids, just grab some roadies and leave to treatment. To this day I can still see the look on her face she gave me as she got in her car. While in detox she did as any junkie would and tried to leave, pleaded to go and she would get better on her terms. She called begging to come home, but I stuck to my guns and she calmed down and stayed. A few days into the rehab she and I had a call with her counselor it was to discuss our life. I had to ask some questions and one of the questions was to find out if she had slept with anyone else while in addiction. She reluctantly told me she did sleep with him once but she had kissed him other times and was having an emotional affair with him for 2months behind my back. I took this really hard as she was the love of my life I truly did not want to believe that the woman I have always put above anyone one else even during all the hard times could do this to me. We had always had this conversation that we would never to that to each other as it had been done to me before in previous relationships. I took some time to think about what I was going to do going forward. I made the choice not to jump ship and to see if we could make it through this. I wish someone would have told me how hard this was going to be and gave me a guide book on it. Our situation is especially difficult. She not only had to build my trust with addiction, but her infidelity ripped a hole in me that I still dont know how to fill completely. She has always put me last in her life. Now its even harder to be last with her NA group and I dont mean NA and meetings that I can understand. I mean the group of people she only met 5months ago. We have fights about men she is in constant communication with from her group, because I have been left with this insecurity from her infidelity which I had never had before. Minimal time is spent repairing our relationship and we have no sexual chemistry because most of her time is spent on group and recovery. She was in treatment for 45 days and we could only talk over the phone most of which were short communications so I could let the kids talk to her. I was not sleeping and lost over 30lbs from stress. I was the normal full time dad now putting them to bed and having them cry to sleep asking where mom was and when she would be home again. I had to keep them busy and doing all the house work, but now I was teacher and still had to work full time from home.Here we are 7 sessions in couples therapy and 3 and a half months living together again. She cant make more time for just us to be alone for more than 1 hr without one of the group reaching out or her planning something for them. I can sleep most nights, but alot are spent wondering why I am still being placed last after working so hard to forgive her for doing this all to me and our family. I am so proud of how she has not relapsed and she seems to be the one everyone in her group looks to for help. She has been asked to chair meetings, help new comers and even asked to go to the center to tell her story as a guest speaker. I know I should be happy about all this and how wonderful she is doing, however this is straining my relationship with her. This new addiction to NA is just like the alcohol although she wont die from it and is healthy and I should be grateful for that. Although she may have an affair is all I can think about.She goes to 2 meetings a day and she is constantly texting the group and organizing things for the group, she is even dealing with their personal issues on top of her working and exercising. She has better conversation with the men from group than she does with me one even asked her today to come to his 5year celebration and speak. What I dont understand is you can write a speech for another guy, but planning a date to be with your husband is the hard thing to do. She is helping out at home now which is nice and she does try to make time for me. I want to be asked by her to go on a date or be asked to join her with her NA group outing. I have quit everything too I am not drinking or drugging. She could tell me once that she is proud of me for doing that. Mostly I need her to come onto me again or say you know what hon tonight is our night. I can let them deal with their own problems lets spend time together. I feel she is working on these peoples issues more than her own personal life and it's not helping us get closer. Our therapist has asked that she plan it for us and she cannot do it for whatever reason but a speech and a night out is easily planned or outings with her group friends. I know they say in NA that recovery comes first, but what they also dont do is try to get the addict to gradually be more involved in real life teach them that they are doing great and maybe you should put some more of your effort into your personal life again. We are the ones that loved her for 18 years before she went into treatment we are the ones who got her the help and stayed by her side and she still is keeping us away by spending more time with the new people she has only met 5 months ago. I really am trying to understand her side and be happy for her. Its not like I am not trying to understand her side either. Maybe I dont understand how it works. This is where I am today and it is a really shitty place to be. One hand all you want is for her to be happy and clean and the other youre stuck here waiting for your wife want to spend time with you and focus on your family. Maybe only to see in end she will just walk away from you because she met someone in group who she really connects with.I can tell she is trying to make a little effort and I commend her for it but somedays it doesnt seem like enough or that things will ever change. Love to hear someone else's point of view.
Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate it. I hope it didnt come across that she isnt trying or I am doing all the work. That is not the case I have alot of work to do on myself to get past things. I was more just looking to see if anyone had a similar experience with there SO groups and if maybe it will tapper off alittle.
Hi Geoff, I wanted to reach out and welcome you to Al-anon. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, I relate to so much of that insanity. although he did deny infidelity (despite friends claiming differently. He had a excuse for that too. sigh.)
My husband went to NA for a few months and the same thing happened, suddenly he was a shining star, sponsoring and taking constant calls. I know just how that feels. all the time he spent away and lying about his whereabouts, I too expected that things would get back to "normal."
I came online to offer you some thoughts. They do need constant recovery because that is the only thing keeping them from falling down again. while she may appear to be a success story, she is just a beginner. being busy in recovery keeps her mind on recovery instead of what it was focused on before.
I'll share a memory of an open AA meeting I went to once, a guy shared that this was his first meeting since his relapse after 18 years of sobriety. he knew the cause of the relapse was from backing off on his meetings, feeling like he had this thing licked once and for all.
I also heard someone in AA say they were only in recovery for 8 years and so still considered himself a "newbie." really and truly, it's just one day at a time.
I know you may feel like a discard or a reject (that is how I felt) but I want to emphasize -
Her behavior is not personal. Her using... her cheating... her not being available now (just for today)... has NOTHING to do with you, my friend. and everything to do with just her and her mind and how sick she is. think of it, what sane woman would NOT want to be with her children and her beloved family? she is not sane.
What lifted me immensely from that very dark place was joining a fellowship too. and hearing how others were dealing with this exact same stuff, it was a relief to know my story was not unique (common, in fact) and I was not alone.
If you can get your hands on some of our literature, that too, was a huge support and comfort for me. I began with the book How Al-Anon Works. and a daily reader called Courage to Change. I reached for those books constantly.
Thanks so much for that response from both of you. I know she means well and I have alot of insecurity to work through. It is really nice to hear such things from strangers and it is really making me feel alot better.
Welcome to MIP Geoff - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too would suggest or recommend that you embrace Al-Anon or Nar-Anon - it will give you a support group that truly does understand all that you are feeling and experiencing. I was not a happy camper when my own recovery program was suggested to me - in fact, I was down-right indignant. I had this (insane) idea that I had no problems/issues - all would be well IF only ... I was wrong - I was deeply affected by this disease in those I love and it affected me deeply - emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
I am a double winner - belonging to both programs, AA & Al-Anon. I got sober 32+ years ago and the first year was a blur. I did as your wife is doing - multiple meetings per day and total immersion in the program/people. It kept me sober one day at a time. I was still stark raving mad for quite a while - it was just so darn hard/different to face life on life's terms without my crutch - mind altering substances.
I admire you for being able to see that she's making some efforts....having hope and finding positives will truly help you heal. As my life/family unfolded, and I found my way to Al-Anon, my sponsor had me focus each day on gratitude lists and considering what was working instead of all that was broken. My brain, mostly because of the disease, tended (and still does) to go to worse case scenario and project negatively. I had to rethink/relearn much - and focusing differently with a practiced changed attitude really helped me.
Al-Anon gave me the support and tools I need to heal from the affects of addiction and learn how to deal with life on life's terms.
Please keep coming back, know you are not alone and that there is always hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have certainly been in relationships where infidelity was an issue. I am currently working through issues that have cone uo about being ounished and ounishing others in relationship.
I can certainly relate to feeling like I.came last in certain relationships.
I can also relate to being obsessed with trying to get other oeoole to change. My whole self wortb was tied uo in that
Al anon has heloed me immensely with those issues. I have worked through feeling worthless and putting uo with unavceorable behavior
I am glad you are here (but not the circunstances that brought you here)
This is a warm lovimg caring olace that is transfprmative, kind and most of all safe.
Maresie
This is a long ride Geoff yet one we can and should only take one step at a time. I know your story because it is also mine and also my elder sponsors. We share these experiences strengths and hopes and we trust that if we also practice what others have learned to do and received their sanity back we will get what they got. That was the early promise given to me when I got here and made efforts to stay. They told me to do 90 meeting in 90 days and I ended up doing 102 and the extras were a blessing. Along the way my sponsor suggested I find out everything about the disease of addiction that I could so I included college. Alcohol is a chemical that can be and is fatal if consumed without regard to life which is what my alcoholic/addict wife and I did until I did no more and until she did also. The lessons of having a need for and relationship with Powers greater than myself allow me to be at this end of a computer reading your story while knowing every step of my own and understanding what relapse is and what Iam here just mentioned about insane idea(s).
Welcome home...forget about anything else other than your recovery and pray your addict has met a power greater than yourself. Keep coming back. (((((Hugs)))))
I am really grateful I found this forum. I value all the kind words from all of you. I have been doing a few zoom Nar anon meetings as well. I just find it easier to open up behind my keyboard rather than in the flesh. This way I don't breakdown. Ill keep coming back and thanks again for all the kind helpful words.
Geoff, I want to share that a breakdown has its perfect purpose, lol. The al-anon fellowship knows this better than most.
I am so glad you are feeling more connected and when you are able (when we are all able) to get back together in the flesh, I found face to face fellowship put me on the "fast track."
your wife could not have gotten better this quickly by sitting at home, all alone in front of a computer and the same is true for you. I encourage you to reach out to your local al-anon office and see if there are members willing to meet with you, socially distanced. or to talk with you on the phone.
I also believe that to fully understand and appreciate your wife, you must have the same experience she is having - for your wounded soul to be fully understood too, by like-minded friends, struggling with the same issues. For me, it was one of the most unexpected "blessings" of the addiction experience.
And when you become strong in recovery, you too will pass it along in fellowship and sponsorship, there is much to look forward to, a new life is opening up because YOU had the courage to reach out for help...
applause applause!!!!
-- Edited by 2HP on Wednesday 26th of August 2020 09:23:16 AM
My experience as a recovering person was that I ate breathed and crapped 12 steps about 2 years solid and needed to live in that bubble as it was the training grounds for later taking what I learned into a broader world and relationships. At about 12 years sober, I realize now that I basically drank myself out of normal coping skills. I was not a parent or a spouse so I can't even imagine. My sponsor had to talk my off the ledge constantly for the dumbest of life dilemmas. I totally forgot to ask people how they were doing in conversations and would just start blabbing. I didn't have a concept of how I robbed my parents of an adult son and forced them to engage in childlike parenting until I was 36. I got a lot of validation in AA and it was like the only place I didn't feel like an idiot for screwing up so much of my life and having shame over it. Nowhere else to people clap and cheer for you just for not screwing up and acting like a semi-adult for a day. I know this is maddening to watch as the spouse. My take is that your wife was drinking and drugging for a good while, wasn't really healthy before that - doesn't really know who she is or what she wants in the long run. It may help to lower expectations of someone who is just not healthy at all. You have no guarantees on where recovery will take her in terms of your relationship. At the very least you helped to save the life of your kids' mom and that is a precious outcome if she does stay clean.
Anyhow, It will take time for her to make any meaningful amends to you even if she does stay sober and work a good program. Alanon taught me a few different tools than AA. Some that I would say might help for you:
Lower expectations for an alcoholic/early recovering person. She is basically functioning with the emotional intelligence of a toddler right now (harsh but true and based on my own experience)
Try not to expect things from them they haven't given in a long time and/or may not be able to give right now
Take care of yourself and get your own supports/program/life lines so that it buffers you from the pain of not getting what you want and need from her.
Alanon is really designed to learn to put yourself first again, treat yourself kindly, build a spiritual connection that will help you know you will be OK no matter what she does or doesn't do... It pains me to hear you torturing yourself with "what if's". Just know that you are not alone. You've been really strong through this already so that tells me you will likely continue but please just keep seeking help like this for you from people that understand.
Geoff... hang in there, mate. This group is my home group. I do have a face2face down the gorge I get to six or eight times a year. But this place does it for me.
Members here have other affiliations- which is healthy.
I live in a small rural town- where membership is limited. This group has a real big city feel to it. A gr8 group conscience- because it draws on people from right round the globe. ...
Thank you so much for that response it really hit me. I cant say enough how happy I am that I found this board and all you wonderful people. Last night for no apparent reason (maybe she could feel that I was lonely). She put her phone away after she worked out and just snuggled with me and the kids on the couch for the whole night. It was so nice to not have to worry about the conversations she was having with the guys from her group. I have to say that her conversations are not stepping over any lines as far as I can tell. When I ask to see them she is forth coming. She doesn't hide anything from me. She feels deep regret for what happened and is trying to make amends. I am just insecure in my own head when it involves other men and how much time it takes away from our family. I know it's going to be a long road and I need to work on me so again I'm really glad I am here.
I am so glad you have found solace in this group
The reality is sobriety is not easy on the spouse and the family
Of course there is much that comes up with changes in your life. That is along with the regular stresses we have from the pandemic
These are hard times. Having supportnis so.key
Maresie
Welcome to MIP Alanon! 
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