When I first came into.these rooms I was on overwhelm every day. My qualifier was someone who.had been addicted for many years. His addiction had already taken him to some real lows. Furthermore he was completely enmeshed with his mother. That was made clear to me early in the relationshio. I had no idea it was an absolute no win sitiation from the start. My qualifier would roam from being financially self sufficient to having no income at all. He had few boundaries with others and rigid boundaries with me. He would alternate between desoerately needing my helo to totally stonewalling shuting me out for weeks at a time. Needless to say our life was utter chaos and extremely difficult to manage. Every day I was on overload with feelings of immense frustration, rage and grief. He hit all the buttons of every trigger I had developed over my entire lifespan. I drowned in those triggers and was completely lost until I got here. I stumbled into this room in a state of deep despair, rage and utter bewildernent That relationship was almost a decade ago. Recovering from that tempestuous time has taken up a grear deal of energy Needless to say there have been many detours along the way. For the most part I am on.same ground these days. When I get into #sticky situations# I find my way out of them as quickly as I can. I am so much better at seeing red flags these days. I have initiative, a sense of boundaries and a vision of what I can out up with. Hiwever there are some issues that are non negotiabke. Nevertheless this year the Covid pandemic has often left me into a sense of total frustration. Every week there is a new #test#. Every week there are hew challenges. It is really pretty difficult to get to a place of stabiity. Of course I have far more stability than I have had in a long time. I have a lot more control over my environment to a certain extent. Nevertheless I find myself having to really fortify myself for everyday tasks. Going to the local clinic means running the gauntlet of a whole team who want to stop me at the door. Now they even want to dictate what mask I will wear. I have to shore myself uo for these excursions. Going to get a take out means being punished in some way. Now they want be to wait outside in 100 degree weather. Yesterday I decided that waiting outaide in thar kind of heat is not feasible for me. No more take out. Going to work involves sonetimes having to negotiate blocked streets because there is a mass exodus to the beach. These kind of diversions are the norm so when I go out I have to allow so much extra time for these issues. Yesterday I found myself on overwhelm again because no matter what I do I have to negotiate these issues. I try to plan ahead. I work extra hours in order to make enough money to have a #cushion# Then I receive an unexpeced bill that wioes out my entire carefully created nest egg I am exhausted, anxious and at times just out of options. I keep on going but these times are so uncertain it is difficult to be resilient. I discuss plan b's with my oeers. I made one then it got wiped out now I am back to the grindstone. Keep in mind that I am currently living without my dog. I am also living in a construction zone. The noise today went on all day. The construction issue is the same paraneter. There are signs the noise willl be less than they come uo with another project that requires drills, constantly beeping vehicles and constant disruptions. That is not to.mention being stuck in the elevator and finding the alarm and helo buttons turned off. Of course I want to believe this too will pass. Unfortinately it has not #passed#. Indeed this entire year (while there has been some progress) has been one issue after another. There is no simole formula to get through this time I dealt with this cascading problems with the qualifier. They swallowed me uo and left me completely depleted. I cannot afford to be #fried# on even a once a week basis. So I am back to the drawing board on ine day at a time. One minute at a time sometimes. Maresie .