My sober husband ( 30 years) has dementia and I am currently working at moving him to a nursing home.During these difficult times in the country, and world, everything moves much more slowly.Meanwhile I am finding new ways to reduce the stress on me for the constant care he needs.One day a strange thought occurred to me.I don't really have to jump and run every time he asks for something.If I am watching something on tv and he says, I am hungry, I can say.. I'll get you something when this show is over.I am his sole caretaker so I know he is not starving, in fact the way he eats he most likely just ate 1-2 hours ago.

I see now a behavior that must have been formed in me many years ago.My parents divorced when I was 9.Alcoholic dad.My mother raised 7 children with zero child support on a waitress' salary and tips were all we had for food most days.Among my siblings all 3 (alcoholic ) brothers got divorced, 2 of my 3 sisters ( alcoholic ) also divorced,one never married. I am next to the youngest.So I had no role model for what a 'good' marriage looks like.When I was 17 a nice guy asked me to marry him so I said yes.He seemed to 'love' me and I wanted to get away from home. 

My father in law was a high functioning alcoholic who worked hard till he died. My mother in law was a stay at home mom/wife and they had 8 children, mostly alcoholics now. In the first years I was married my mother in law and I became friends. I ended up modeling my marriage after their marriage. If she was talking on the phone and her husband came home, she immediately had to hang up. I did the same thing with my husband. She always had dinner ready when he got home and so did I. She never went out with friends when he was home and neither did I. You see the pattern. I thought that was what a good wife was.

From there on I became a good daughter,a good sister, a good employee, a good person.I guess I learned that being 'good' was the way to be happy and being 'good' meant taking care of others.Don't make waves.don't rock the boat with my own petty needs and for goodness sake,, don't have a feeling,or at least don't expect anyone else to do anything about your feelings if you do have them.Push them down,pretend they aren't there.Also, if someone has a need you must tend to it right away.You can't say,sorry I am busy.My family taught me that if you don't put others first,meaning THEM, you are not a good person and I so wanted to be a good person.I ended up being, a good 'shell of a person'.An empty person with no self.Unless you count the buried feelings as a person.The hurt,the anger,the confusion,the rejection, the betrayal and all that it created.I didn't dare let that out,I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control it and I didn't want anyone to think I was a bad person.Maybe I couldn't stand the thought that I might be a 'bad' person.A selfish person who wanted her own way sometimes.

About 10 years ago,when my mother was still alive,she was so afraid that her electric would go off and without a/c she would suffocate and die.Whenever her power went off,for any reason, she would call me to come and sit with her,or if it was hot to let her sit in my car with the a/c until her power came back on.I did this every time.I lived an hour from her.I used to get calls in the middle of the night from one of my sisters,either needing to talk because they were drunk, or to tell me that mom needed something and could I take care of it.They knew I would because I was the one every one counted on, the stable one,the good sister and daughter.

I used to have a phone in my bedroom on the desk.I will never forget the night I decided to unplug it when I went to bed.This was during the time I was working the alanon program.My husband wanted a divorce,my sisters and mother were driving me nuts. I had just been promoted at work and my supervisor was giving me more work than I could handle.She knew,if she wanted it done, she could count on me.I was salaried so if I worked late or on the weekend,which I often did, I didn't get overtime.All of this was just too much stress so I quit the job and lived on my 401K for 3 months,the best yeaars of my life,I will never forget it.

The reason I decided to unplug the phone at night is because it finally occurred to me that if there was a real emergency,the family could call 911.The police or ambulance could be there in minutes,I would have to drive an hour! This was the beginning of starting to own my power and no longer care what the family thought about me.I knew I was ok as a person, not perfect but not that bad either.The difference was that I no longer felt I had to prove it to anyone. I wonder, all those years, was I trying to prove to THEM that I was a good person..or to myself??

Well I found another job, my husband decided HE wanted to stay together so I stayed. I stopped working the alanon program and things got crazy again. I am so grateful that I was led back to alanon and am working the program again which is how I was led to this new revelation.

Slowly I am learning to make time for the small things that make me feel better. Like skipping the dishes for a day...how horrible! Like finding the time to come to this board or read my books even if it is only a short time.I may be interrupted but I can take care of him and still feel it's ok to take time for me. At first, this time in alanon,I found it hard to 'take care of me' and still take care of him.The demands and stress of caring for someone with dementia are enormous.It has been hard for a "good person " to finally make the decision that it is best for him to be in a facility where he can get the care he needs.There are nurses and a doctor and people who are trained to care for him.I am sometimes a crying,stressed,exhausted old woman.He deserves better. I finally had to say to myself "d...m it, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for HIM!! So I am. Meanwhile I am slowing down.Breaking some of those rules that either I have put on myself or someone else did but either way I believed that I had to live by those rules.I don't.

Life doesn't have to be so hard.

The Serenity Prayer says it all.

Iris