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Anyone have stories to share about divorcing an alcoholic mentally abusive spouse who refuse to work and children were involved?
Im at the point of wanting out or maybe I could just say reality. Ive watched many out patient and inpatient attempts end the same way. I feel like Ive been kidding myself that life has become manageable because he respects my boundaries and stays away when he drinks. It is better than his rage, physical destruction, physically threatening behavior (throwing things, slamming, smashing things). This amounts to weeks and months alone. When hes not bothering me I feel its manageable but not ideal. Hes been out since February after an incident that made me tell him to go. He went to rehab when I wouldnt cave due to the pandemic. He skipped sober living and tried to come home. I held my ground and he has spent the months away. He made it a week After rehab sober. I had the pleasure of the drunken abusive text calling me names and making demands the other night. I had not experienced that in some time. I told him today I am not putting up with anymore and there is no point to this marriage after so many, many years of the same result. He let me know to go ahead and divorce. You wont like the result. I asked him to elaborate to test for physical danger. His answer was, your attorney will explain. I am usually good at ignoring him but this time im having trouble and feeling cornered. Im trying to keep working and stop thinking about it. After so many years of learning and growing with Alanon, how am I feeling at the bottom again?
Not looking for anything like legal advice. Just support and stories of how people made it out without the A sucking money out of them forever.
Detaching is s real art. We get to certain plateaus with it.
Remember these are extraordinary times. That is a full plate all on its own. Then you had to deal with being effectively abamdoned
Sometimes I.look at.my.ecoectations of myself and think they are typical.of a 6 year old ratheer than a grown adult
Lettimg go.of s long relationship .is goimg to be a hard one.very very hard.
I hope you will get support for yourself. I recently started therapy again it is very helpful. Very very helpful.
Maresie
I will second the idea of getting a free consultation with a lawyer. I got several. Lawyers will usually give you a free 30 min. consultation, you just have to inquire. Knowledge is power. It can also lessen the fears of the unknown.
I do know that I got "hit" with some realities of being a divorce (don't know how to type the accent here)... like increased car insurance, and a huge drop in credit (all bogus b/c I am still the safest driver ever & don't drink and drive, & I ALWAYS held all the good credit), but I survived those, and realized that it comes from industry sexual bias - in other words, nothing I can control.
The point is, at some point you have to look at where you will be happiest/sanest/most secure, and realize your partner cannot give that to you at this stage of his life. That was the hardest part for me. The dissolution of MY dreams. Until I was ready to accept that reality, I filed for separation so that anything my spouse did, wouldn't come back to bite my financially. I have heard people who have lived a long time in that space, b/c their spouses "leave them alone" and respect their boundaries, so they don't feel the need to divorce, or don't b/c of religious reasons.
If you are able to protect yourself from financial fallout, you may find this "inbetween" place is OK. Only you can know that.
I also wish the best for you and your family.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I am also leaving my AH. I also have children and financial worries. I have reached the point where I needed to separate whatever it took. I live in the UK so the divorce and separation processes may be different from where you live.
I have decided that I don't need to physically divorce him right now. I don't have the money to do the proceedings let alone what may come out of the settlement. So I have simply separated from him. Just myself as here in the UK legal separation also involves money.
I have taken the line with him that the house is a place of respect and security for everyone who lives here and especially the children and as his behaviour violates that boundary he has to live somewhere else. That includes him not coming back when he has the relatively few periods of apparent sobriety (which we know is not real sobriety). I am using the broken record technique - basically I hope you find recovery, but I respect that is your choice. I am making my own choices, which means I am separated from you. When / if you find recovery you are welcome to meet up with the children, but for now we are each going to live our separate lives.
I am choosing to ignore all the threats about lawyers. I believe he is trying to engage me in a response. If he chooses to employ a lawyer to start divorce proceedings himself then so be it. But my gut feeling is that it is a just another attempt to get me sucked in because he knows how much I worry about money. His passing shot as he left was that he would take the children from me. He is sick and it is desperation talking. I know that if I respond to that it is my own disease speaking. Time to focus purely on my own recovery.
