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been TRYING without much success to SLOW down and PAY attention as I self sabotage big time....I think I had to disassociate from my body too long and now I don't know how to be in it....so not online very much......trying to just teach me to STOP and BREATH....break this down in chunks....then when I can do that....do something like my bathing and bathing SLOWLY....just practice...
so thats where I've been...depressed , big benefits unemployment wise ran out so we are on just the state (not that much, but hey I'll take it) no good work and I think I posted about leaving that abusive job......
then another "potential client" who was REAL rude to me 3 weeks ago when I told him I had to go up $5 on my rate from last year (when we talked before and it didn't turn out) and he got really rude..."you said your rate, last year was *xx and now you say $xx...NEVER mind"
and caused me to say "not interested in working for you" he texts me the other day "still looking for bookkeeper...come in and we can talk if you are interested"
its like I am being tested on UGLY people...one after another ...Like if they are rude out of the starting gate, what the heck are they gonna be like working for them???? I am ignoring his text...whats the point
I feel like I am , of late, a magnet for ugly, abusive, rude people...Try as I may to keep distance, be kind, but big distance, they seem to be like hyenas on the prowl to devour me ...like WHAT do I have to DO to get this "lesson" LEARNED???
I WATCH...I pay attention to red flags...I have good, strong boundaries....I do NOT let anyone mistreat me....I am kind but firm in my boundaries, but I seem to get them "in my face" one after another....I feel like isolating and just not trying to find new work.....I told HP, I am sooo done with this being stomped on....just PUT me where you WANT me....if I am looking in wrong direction to provide for me, PUT me where I need to go....its not like I am trying to force MY will on anything....
the kicker was ex roommate promised to reimburse me for my damaged towels that she did and I had to throw away and replace...we agreed on $35 which was letting her off cheap....2 weeks go by and no sign of her so I text her "hey where are you, I could use my $35, thanks and let me know when you are coming"
she texts back..." well I am not going to reimburse you as I believe that the devil is trying to guilt me into making restitution to you, so I am not giving you the $35"
Well my program went out the window...I exploded at her as I had an unexpected bill for $30 and was counting on that $35.....I told her that until she works an honest program , she will continue to be a undesirable transient whom no one really wants and if she can't keep her word to anyone who was as kind/fair to her as I was, then she is worthless and not worth further conversation...I hammered her badly , it was ugly...I had to confess to our pastor what I did and pray to LET go the hate I felt towards her..Like she messed me over enough and now THIS?? ..I told her that life will continue to hammer her because she puts out such bad energy and that i wanted NOTHING to do with her, please dont' speak to me if you see me in church as I will NOT honor your existence to me...I told her she was a bottom feeding liar and her HP will take care of her as he sees fit and I am outta here....
I know I pushed her buttons and even created some new ones....I told pastor the whole ugly thing and he was absolutely flabberghasted that she would DO a thing like that to ME who helped her and was patient with this nightmare of a former roommate....he told me , tho I was not being "program" in what I said to her, he totally understood and he said he would pray for me to be able to let go the hate, etc....and you know??? I feel sorry for her....I kinda "lost" the hate because she JUST is NOT worth that kind of energy AND it keeps me "connected" to her
yea, I pulled an ugly on her as I was just "up to here" with ugly, cruel, abusive people and she was the last straw for me...
I've been just surrendering all this negativity to my HP....start over....watch for red flags as i am and for SURE, dont' even let them in my spiritual YARD, much less my spiritual/emotional porch....I NEED work and I get this "repeat" of this rude guy....I just told him this LAST time that my rates were firm, gas is up, stuff is up, I had to go up from LAST year...Like HEY!!! I have to pay MORE for my living, so my rates are more...and he goes off on me...I basically agreed that we should "never mind" then he texts me to "come back"???? so he can rude me again???
If they are rude out of the starting gate, disrespectful and when I told him, yes, my rates went up, because everything I pay for is up and I work hard to keep up with latest tax changes, payroll, etc., so yea, $5 per hour (and he only needed me 1x per month----WOW, I'm gonna break his bank) is real reasonable...
I asked HP, just PUT me where YOU want me to BE...i am done with all this....I have hardly gone out with work so slow, I just don't want to deal with people.....I think this crisis is make the bad ones even worse and the "OK" ones, it is bringing out the worst in them....I was OK with MY behavior until former roommie broke her promise to me.....I blocked her phone # and her email....I felt better when Pastor was understanding to me and he said that he would not help her if she needs to move AGAIN as she spit on my taking her in and trying to help her and Pastor feels REAL bad, talking me into giving her another chance...so yea, he made amends to me and I told him "how could have known what a bottom feeder she is????" his SIL's mom, who is my friend, SHE got ahold of me when she found out the way this lady treated me and she said she WISHED she had known before I took her in, she would have told me "NO, dont' do it...she has bad issues" but it was too late with "A" found out I had rented a room to her
LORD what lesson do I need to learn to NOT be treated like crap anymore..or at least minimize it??? I can't for the life of me figure out WHY I am attracting the toxins of society in my life....So I've been sticking to myself until I find out WHAT do I have to change to minimize this....
I am not a people person...Honestly?? I don't like most people "out in the wild" I only feel comfortable with recovery and my church friends.....but I am OPEN to the ones who show me they are safe and I am kind, fair, to the good ones, I know I am, but lately??? I have been somehow drawing all these bad ones....praying to my HP to tell me what I have to change/ do or not do to stop this.....
Huge hugs, Rose. You are definitely going through a rough patch. Just remember that you do not ever have to JADE about your business rates. Does a big company ever? No, they don't. Just b/c you are an IC, doesn't mean you have to justify your rates. Your rates are your rates... the potential client can accept or deny. Period.
Sending you calming vibes for this Sunday. {{{{{{{Rose}}}}}}}
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
((((((((((((PNP))))))))))))))))) I think it was borderline JADE, like I did not defend...just was real matter of fact "prices went up and so did my rates" I did't go int a speel about my troubles, et al, I just stuck to "this is my rate" but yea, maybe borderline...shoulda just said "this is my new rate" and ZERO additions...but I did say the prices went up on everything, so I had to raise my rates, but I did not expand on it....and HE got rude...I want no part of peopel who show patterns right out of the gate...i just quit an abuser...not gonna invite another....I can take what I like about someone and leave the rest, even declining to meet with someone who already was rude.....this is why I am ignoring his text....no point...no changing his rude behavior, but I can change ME and trust that HP will take care of me in a GOOD way, not a stress filled, making me sick way and I was beginning to get sick from the stress at that job
hey (((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))) yea, I hear ya on "what is my ideal" and "do actions match the words" roommate totally shocked me wih her reply to my "hey when R U coming with my $$???" I mean I knew she was not a good person, hence the eviction, but THIS was a NEW low, LOL....I wrote a draft email to her as well. (NOT sent) and I just told her in my "sample" to stay away from me, you no longer exist....now I feel like I emptied the sewage of hate and resentment....all her injuries to me will come back to "lesson" her later...pastor told me he will be kind, of course, he is pastor, but IF she has to move again, and asks HIM to help her find another victim, he said he will kindly decline and leave it with NO JADE....He feels so bad for what happened with me and I told him I loved him for his dedication to us members when we need help and if she spits on that?? it is HER wrong and HER bad energy, NOT his....he thanked me for not being mad at him......as far as I'm concerned, she does not exist to me...and IF anyone should call me for a reference about her, I will tell them BRIEFLY MY experience with her and let them decide what they want to do....i will not slander her, I will state the truth, my experience, my truth and leave any insults out of it...just the facts mam just the facts....she burns bridges more then anyone I know and this will come back on her...I do believe that if I do evil to my brother, it comes back at me..........I confessed my explosion at her to pastor and I told him that my amend, tho not with her, but with my God will be to NOT bad mouth her or trash her at the church....I will just tell any mutual friends IF they even ASK me what happened, that the roommate arrangement just did not work out...and leave it at that...only one good friend other than Pastor know what she did to me and the lie about restution for my damaged property.....I won't trash her to the church....she can go, do her thing, as long as she stays out of my face, I am fine....
I know i tossed program out the window during that latest offense of hers, and you know??? its so weird.....I told her AT FIRST that I would replace the towels, I was NOT expecting any restitution from her, no worries, God will provide, I RELEASED her because I wanted NOTHING further to do with her......
then SHE contacts ME and says that she must pay me for the towels so that she can "feel good" and we agreed on $35 and I was like "ok, you dont' have to do this because we have gone our separate ways" (I wanted NADA to do with her) and she insisted that she HAS to "do the right thing" and not leave on a bad note...
THEN she pulls THIS....passive aggressive??? just darkness???? Who the hell knows, but I , after all the other S*** I have been thru, I just blew up!!! I shamed her and pushed every button she had and made some new ones as I stated....I just had HAD IT with ugly rotten people......so yea, I know I was not "programming" it when I blew up, but whats done is done....my amend to my HP is to just not trash her...stay away from her...block every way she could possibly get thru to me.....and if I see her in church??? I don't know her....I just hope she is not stupid enough to use me as a reference WHEN she burns bridges where she is at now and is kicked out....she has had more places to live then a wandering nomad lion.....Pattern??? yea...Wish I had known about this BEFORE I let her in...I would have definitely investigated further and most likely declined letter her in, but again....whats done is done....all I can do is move forward and forget her.....
and as to my rates, I would negotiate with someone sweet and who is close to home, its not carved in stone...I have the one , lower rate, and the other $5 more....I WOULD negotiate with someone who is sweet, close, happy place to work....I am not that rigid, but this guy was abrasive out of the starting gate...my "ugly person" meter lit up like a red light and so yea, even if he HAD accepted my rate, I would have said "thank you for inquiry, but I am not available" NO explanation....like this text that he sent me...I still have it as a lesson for ME...PAY attention to my instincts...LISTEN to my HP's voice within and then TRUST^... so as to mr. "rude"??? He gets NO response
Thanks, both of you (((((((((((PNP)))))))))))))))) and (((((((((((((((((TT)))))))))))))))) for validating me that we ARE human and imperfect and yea, we "hope for the best" and often get the worst, but its not about US, it is about their wrong...I am NOT ashamed of me for trying and for being human and being kind to the wrong people....BUT, I heard a saying----
screw me once, shame on you....screw me twice, shame on me.....well, there are mistakes and there are just bad character patterns....I am a work in progress...will always be learning....and I think a LOT of this is my HP saying "pay attention to my voice within you"
you know?? PNP....I am re-reading my post and you lovely souls underneath it and I wonder...do I STILL think I don't deserve what I am worth or what??? Like I see not as bad, but yea, a BIT of JADE....I should have just said "my rates have changed up to $5 more then last years rate" and LEFT it at that...like take what works and leave/decline the rest
I am thinking step 10 wise, that I STILL have a Tad bit of doubt that I DESERVE every good thing that comes my way and I don't have to explain JACK S**T to anyone.....hmmmmm
cooking french fries and this just came to me.....
thank you both for making me think of some stuff....
I wasn't trying to imply that you had JADE'd him, it was you writing all sorts of explanations here to explain it to us. Perhaps you felt the need to explain his irrational response? I don't know. But you are valuable... your bookkeeping talents are valuable. What is that old saying, "If you don't value yourself and what you bring to the table, no one else will either." Something like that. I just wanted you to know, you are VALUABLE.
All too often, people who value pleasing others, sell themselves short. "Why am I not enough for that person?" "What did I do wrong?" "Didn't I offer nothing but kindness?"
Instead of, "What a buffoon, he'll see my rates are quite reasonable once he looks around, and he'll come crawling back!"
That kind of inner dialogue. I know, I used to do it all the time, and I am still a work in progress with that!
Now I concentrate on seeing the reality of what I have to offer, and then standing in that truth with conviction. No JADE'ing. I am so done with blaming myself for other people's reactions.
MMMMMmmmmmmm, french fries!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
OHHH PNP yea, I was "explaining" it here so you all would get the gist of my experience....NOT JADE'ing the jerk.....he can take my rates or leave them, BUT If they are rude out of the gate?? I am not gonna stick my hand over the same flame.....
Just gonna have to trust in HP that something happy and good is coming....meanwhile the gov't is fighting over our very lives, lost most of my work due to virus and they want to just minimize us and that wold be a BIG mistake...we SPEND if we GOT it....we DONT if we DONT.....so I want to get a bigger TV, found a good deal on one, but if I am not gonna get extra then the state?? No TV unless forced.....so yea, NO acceptable client potentials in site....work is a disaster, i am 1/2 way through my benefits, which hopefully this all weill clear up b4 that runs out....I pray for the famillies and single people who didn't keep it simple Like I do and are butt deep in debt or mortgage or car payments, Lord, I feel sorry for them....I keep my life simple...its always been that way and I seem to get through crises better because I keep my overhead down....still...I have things I need to do with the house and I'm waiting to see if we get fed. enhancement to the state UI....
sorry, got off topic here....No I don't JADE anywhere near as much as I used to , if at all...I am thinking back to that job I quit...and I did not JADE with him.....roommate, coming against me for my boundaries and I just put it in writing what the rules re: safety and hygeine were...NO explaination....the boundary itself was simple and fair enough...she called me a bully because I had to put stuff in writing to cancel out her "Oh I forgot" and she called me a bully....I just looked at her and said the next notice would be eviction....her choice........she tested me....I gave her eviction notice........NO JADE"ing there, either....but oh boy I used to...I used to think I had to explain/justify/defend my Existence......but no more....I will "sort things out with people" but I notice even there...I focus on fairness and clarity for BOTH of us.....
still a work in progress but waaaay better.....
sometimes I get "wordy" here, in fact quite a bit...It is partially a need to vent or get out feelings, as I am by myself and I love coming here and just getting stuff OUT of my body.....it seems to work...I am breathing better..yaaay!!! working on paying attention and slowing down in pieces...first the breathing...next we will d something routine slowly.....I had to separate from myself in order to endure the abuse and it became a deep seated habit....so sharing, breathing, getting otu my thoughts and feelings...ALL part of putting me back together
the french fries were GREAT........I just now, polished off 2 bowls of caramel ice cream....
& 