Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Christiob · Newbie

How to detach from an alcoholic when doing so leaves them in physical danger

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to our message board Christiob. It sounds like you already know what you need to do for yourself, which is to make you the focus of your life and regain your health and peace. I dont know if there is other family around, or close friends, that could fill in the gap. The kinds of things I can think of are doing an intervention with an addiction counselor with friends and family present. I know folks do call the police if a loved one is drinking and driving. You could also request a counseling session with her and yourself with an addiction counselor, either through the program she will be attending or with a private counselor. Clearly she needs help, but not at your own expense. You could also go to an open AA meeting with her, and express your thoughts there.

Alanon sounds like the right place for you to receive some help, but that is for you to decide. Glad you stopped in and hope you will come back. Lyne

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is natural at some point to get to a point of saying no However to get back from the point of being #fried# is a hard one. .As we all know right now we are all not just dealing with alcoholism Right now we have Covid 19 too. There are a lot of tools in al anon that can help you to say #no# No is a action. No is a pulling back. No is making yourself less available I was and atill can be very focused on whar the alcoholic days because of course what they say and what they do are not geling This year I hapoened to stay with an alcoholjc as a roommare for over 4 minths. That was exhausting. I felt incredibly drained.. I felt paralyzed by waves of enotions but most oarticularly anger. I also felt pretty much.merged with what they were goimg to do. What they needed to do seemed paramount. I had to get to a place where my own life was a priority. I also have to say I felt pretty much deprived of the basucs. I felt that I was the one who had to recover The issue of how to tell someone you are not going to save them is mapped by actions. Action : action of giving yourself a #pause# Action of not being #there#;at all times. Action of not being there when you do not need to be which is most of the time. In al anon there is a saying we didnt cause it, we cannit control it and we cannot cure it I hope that you will keep coming back here. I know it is a tall order to think of a different way of being. For me the exhaustion can be life threatening. I have to watch my interactiin around alcoholics very carefully Welcone to this place. Maresie

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Christiob - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My experience is that until a person has to 'feel' the consequences (hitting bottom), there often is no motivation to change. This applies to Alcoholism as well as life in general. For me, I kept softening the fall for those I love which was counter-productive to them hitting bottom and making changes. Al-Anon was suggested to me for me, and I resisted at first. I did not feel I needed to change, I was not 'broken' (in my mind). I found that to be untrue - I was broken in ways I didn't even yet know and this disease in others had drained me of so, so much - sanity, joy, peace of mind, etc.

Al-Anon is a recovery program for those who are affected by the drinking in another. Everyone is welcome and it is here that I found others who truly understood me, my experience, my feelings, etc. So glad you are here - keep coming back and know that you're not alone!

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Christiob----welcome....and i hear ya and I support ya.....the 3 C's come to mind......I did not cause my loved one to drink....I am never gonna be able to control my loved one's drinking........AND i am never gonna cure my loved one's drinking........I know it is hard...I have a brother I absolutely love, but I had to let him suffer the consequences of his drinking or go nuts!!!! I chose to let him reap what he was sowing in the HOPE he would get help.....Now, living far away from him its easier, but really??? once I accepted that the ONLY one I can change is me, I felt FREE and FREE of guilt over "abandoning" them, when its not abandoning THEM to help them, its abandonign ME to help them....

I was forsaking me and my needs for a person who COULD get into recovery and take care of his OWN stuff.....finally I did it...I'm glad you are here....When I first arrived, I read the posts, answered a few that I related to (LOTS actually) as I saw I was not alone..I saw I had tons of company....I got the steps, went to meetings, found out WHY I married the disease I grew up with and kept it in my life....detachment does not mean I don't love my alkie brother (hes the only one left who is alive) detachment means accepting I cannot change him, only me and if I don't take care of me, I am useless to anyone I CAN help....I love him, look forward to chatting with him, but boundaries are set....no calling me when drunk.....no visiting me unless he agrees NO DRINKING policy in my house....NO alcohol of any kind....but I doubt he will visit because he knows I will stand to that boundary.........sad....booze means more to him then me....I accept it with sadness, i love him, but hate the disease............keep coming back

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene