Hi Iris52, When I read your sharing your words reminded me so much of me. I use to get  myself in such a tangle trying to work something out, and asking my self, whose will was I doing. I use to have a very, very, strong will, which got me through so much in my life. I am a long term member.  So,this is what I tried and learnt. You are doing step 3, so If you have given your life over to your God, what ever you do after that, is God's Will. Now, Trust Him.

Try not to worry about whose will you are doing right now, you can't mess up God's Plan. The other thing I have learnt, is if I have a problem, and I try to let Go and Let God, and I pray about it, if the problem goes away, then I know that My  God knows that I am not ready to sort it out or deal with it. If, after I have prayed, and it keeps coming back, then I know that He knows that I am ready to handle it.

The other thing I do, is, if I am worried that I am going to go the wrong way, or do the wrong thing, I ask God to block me, and turn me,or the problem around and make it go His way. That brings me Peace of Mind, and takes the pressure off me. What you are trying to do, is important to you and your Husband. Ask God to help you find the way, and don't give up. He will help you, He is holding your Hand, and won't leave you.

I will keep you in my Prayers, and hope you find the help that you need.

I am sending you a {{{Hug}}.

love WendyP.

Iris, my heart is with you! I too had to place my husband in a care facility, it was one of the most stressful times in my life, and I can't imagine going through that process in the current pandemic.

Oh yes, I was so frustrated with why wouldn't someone just take this over and fix it for me, why did I have to do this myself, why did these facilities not have all the services I would expect?. About self-will, I guess I would say to give yourself credit for taking all the steps -- the phone calls, questions, figuring out how to work with these places -- do the things, but let go of the outcome. This is a tough phase -- but it will pass.

And after finding what I thought was the best place, I later had to move him to a different one because the first could not handle his medical condition. But that proved to be a blessing because the second place was so much better.

What got me through this phase was the slogan One Day at a Time. Oh, and I had Al-Anon and I had also found a free support group for caregivers in my community, so I was not going through it totally alone.

So I guess for me, self-will is trying to do it all myself, and letting go of self-will is reaching out and letting others help me. Sometimes the ones I think should be helping me are not, but help is available in other ways that I didn't expect.

Like you, iris, I had begun asking this question very early on.

It turned out to be everything HP wanted from me - my full attention and desire to know (Him) better. That turning and constant looking to (Him) will bring great rewards (my experience.) God had used family alcoholism to get me to turn to (Him)...

(FYI, for ease of conversation, I often refer to God as "Him" but for me, the Higher Power is Father, Mother, and BFF combined.)

I was told that whenever I struggle with a step, just back up to the previous step. Build up a little more understanding, keep studying, keep meditating on the principle behind the step.

I know the feeling of doors not opening, it feels like a No and sometimes it is. But I personally believe that trying to find help is "the next right thing" for both of you. with my family experience, Mom felt guilty when Dad became too much for her to handle. Her guilt kept her waiting and waiting and waiting... until she finally collapsed from pneumonia. Only then did she accept that Dad required a whole team of caregivers, it was simply too much for her alone.

"God gave us a brain to use"

...but HOW to use our brain can be very confusing. especially while in the fog of alcoholism without recovery tools. I was so fortunate that my local sponsor was like pure gold. she helped me get clarity to my specific problems, and how to use the steps. she also had fellowship connections to every kind of professional help I needed, she knew members who were nurses, attorneys, accountants, real estate agents, etc. She definitely put me on the "fast track" of feeling more hopeful, faithful, and altogether more successful at life. I never had to do anything on my own again. I hope that despite the pandemic, you can get help by calling your local intergroup office.

Aside from fellowship help, step 11 is about deepening relationship to HP through prayer and meditation. By regular meditation, intuition develops. This becomes a reliable guide and compares to nothing else. you will have knowledge of HP's will - by intuition.

today, your "longing" to be in HP's will is just perfect! Keep in mind, a miracle can be nothing more than a change of thought!

My sponsor was a double winner and taught me the Step Three Prayer which mentions HPs Will 3 times. Together, she and I would say it to bookend every trial I was facing - like going into court and coming out, before and after an exam, an interview, traveling across country, etc. etc. take good care (((iris)))



*STEP THREE PRAYER

God, I offer myself to Thee
Build with me, and do with me as YOU will.
Relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do YOUR will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help.
Of Your Power.
Your Love.
And Your way of Life.
May I do YOUR WILL always. Amen.

(((Iris))) - I'll start by sending you positive thoughts and prayers for peace. In my experience, all things go as they are supposed to. When a door closes, or an opportunity slips away, it really was not meant to be. I do trust in the God of my understanding to lead me to the next right thing and I also believe in my soul that the best is yet to come. It is fear, uncertainty - more in my ability to handle 'what is' - that causes me to consider imposing my will with a level of false urgency at times. I very much agree that when I am discontent/restless and not certain, stepping backwards to a previous step is helpful to center me.

I've not had to find outside help for my parents, but supported my parents with both of my grandmothers. Like mentioned above, we put my paternal into a setting that was not a good fit, and had to move her to another center, which also turned out better and much more intimate. We did not have a repeat with my maternal grandmother; where she went worked out well. They both passed in their centers, and we were satisfied with their care. It was stressful at the time, doing the research, interviews, etc. It did all work out as it was supposed to.

I have had to come to accept that during this pandemic, most things are not as they were. From considering a hair-cut to possibly going to the grocery store, it requires more thought, planning, praying and patience. Many places are functioning at less than 50% staff, so getting a person on the phone is challenging and when I reach someone, often I am referred to another, on another day. Things have gotten more complex and what I have practiced is being part of the solution and not part of the problem - seeking to understand. Everyone I encounter is also affected by the pandemic, has home stressors, challenges, etc. Keeping things simple, staying present and taking my HP with me everywhere I go helps greatly.

Sometimes, we just need to breathe and accept that where we are is the exact place/space we're supposed to be. I do believe that all things work out as they are supposed to and keeping my attitude positive helps...love and light to you and yours. Know that you're not alone!

Hi Bo, just read your sharing, I was told that story ages ago, was great for me to hear it again.I have often shared it with others who have been struggling. I also put a footnote onto it.I say, there are 2 ships in the Harbour, one is the Queen Elizabeth,the other, is, the Titanic, which one do you want to get on.

One you can float away with, the other, sank.

Love WendyP.

One other thing I found from my own experience, and from my learning and working the steps...

I always looked at the step..."Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out...with the mindset that I was praying for knowledge of HIS WILL AND...AND...AND...for THE POWER to carry that out...meaning I pray to obtain, to see, to feel, to know what his will is...and I am also praying FOR THE POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT...praying for me to have the power, courage, strength, whatever it is, praying for me to have that power...so that I can do it...because he is not going to do it for me. Am I to wait for a miracle? Yes, they happen...but will it happen and will it include "it" or "something" or "everything" being done for me? I believe God puts things in my path, things happen because it's his will...and I have to address them, handle them, do something. That's just me. Maybe God makes my sponsor available to provide support, guidance, insight, and help...and he helps me do something, decide, take action.

Alanon is a program of change. We make change. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you do nothing and just wait for the other person to change -- maybe they will and maybe they won't, and whether it's one hour, one day, one week, month, year, or ten years...while you just wait for the other person to change...understand life may be miserable. That's OK if that's your decision. To each their own. But if you make change, life can get better, you can get better, you can get healthy...whether the alcoholic is drinking or not...conference approved material says that, tells us that. That being said, more to the point, I have learned from my experience that at some point, I have to do something. Perhaps something is nothing, and that too is OK. Doing nothing at a point in time is OK...it can be appropriate...it can be called for...doing nothing if it is a conscious, intentional, deliberate decision...is doing something. Doing nothing -- intentionally -- is a definitive decision and action. But, doing nothing forever...that I don't buy into. Doing nothing, even if intentional, can be habit-forming. It can breed complacency. It can breed fear, laziness, and can be paralyzing.

The original question prompting this discussion was "How do I decide when to wait and when to push ahead. I believe in God's guidance,but I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. On the other hand, I don't want to get ahead of God and out of His will." -- and upon reflection and thought -- what better questions are there for a sponsor? This is a perfect example of what someone should want to discuss with a sponsor. Someone who -- knows you, your story, your situation, who you are as a person, the intimacy of your life and situation on the spectrum of time, how it's developed, and so much more. The person who is there for you, who goes on the journey WITH you -- not FOR you -- and there is NO ONE better to go to. In all due respect, this forum, like email, is a dead medium. Can one even compare the two? For me, my learning, my experience, I invite the opportunity to read everyone's perspective on something...but it is my sponsor who is going to be on the battlefield with me as I face the challenges of this specific issue...and life!

All the best.

Such wonderful shares. So much wisdom in this group. Thank you all.

2HP. I understand your mother's guilt.Even after all the years of marriage,the drinking, the betrayals, the near divorces, I still find myself trying to shield him from any pain or hurt, even at my own expense.They told me that when he first goes in he will have to be quaratined for 2 weeks because of the virus.The thought of him being in a strange place with no ability to socialize just breaks my heart.I am treating him like a child.I think in some ways I always have.I have always taken care of him in my own way.He hated it and resents it.He said I tried to run his life.That is why he was looking for my replacement,but never found one.Yet I still took him back every time.That was my own fear of being able to live on my own,and I believed no one could take care of him like I could.Being in the nursing home may be difficult for him at first.He will get the care he needs from people who are not exhausted from 24/7 care.He will eventually be able to socialize with the other patients and the staff and he will love that.Most of the time he is not even sure who I am or where he is.

As for the calm you spoke of I am so looking forward to having that.Right now he is not home.His brother comes over every other week and they go get breakfast and then go sit by the lake.That is the only time I can be alone now,and it is only for a couple of hours.That is all his brother can do,he is in his 70's as well.Trying to talk on the phone to anyone is dificult.If I go upstairs he will eventually come up looking for me.If I stay downstairs he constantly interrupts me needing something.There is a mandatory mask rule now in our area so he won't go to his meetings because he hates the mask and won't keep it on.

I long for the day when I can have real alone time with God.I love to read but cannot do that now with the constant interruptions and noise.It took dementia to make me cut the strings from him.Now I am handing him over to others who I know can take better care of him than I can.I will be on my own for the first time in my life.I have confidence that I will be ok,because I know that I am not really alone.

Iris