The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AlAnon does not instruct on how to change the alcoholic in order to find our serenity. Instead, it guides us on changing the things we can within ourselves (thinking, perspectives, behavior, possibly circumstances; reliance on a power greater than ourselves). This approach will lead us to peace despite what others may do/not do.
Today's reading notes we might mistakenly think our reasoning, complaining, threatening, etc is justified and/or may get the result(s) we want. This approach simply is not effective, succeeding only in worsening our state of mind and reinforcing the patterns of the alcoholic.
AlAnon suggests we stop trying to force the alcoholic to change, try inaction instead and lovingly detach (a search of the index in One Day at a Time in Alanon and Courage to Change delivers outstanding guidance on the topic).
Quote: 'God helps those who don't try to take over His work.' ----------------------------------------------------------
As with most things, the guidance from AlAnon was just the opposite of the strategies I initially am inclined to try with the alcoholic and others in my life.
Complete failure and frustration from using my methods is what led me to consider trying AlAnon. The incredible success I have found using AlAnon guidance and tools keeps me trying them.
I am so grateful for the guidance and wisdom of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks enigmatic for your service and for both above shares. Like TT, I feared often for the early death of my A and honestly, still believe that is possible. But now with program, I have come to accept that my A chooses life-threatening addictions which I am powerless to control. My sponsor taught me to stop trying to force solutions. And my focus has become how to take the best care of myself, instead of ignoring me for futile goals involving others. I still care, but am detached with love. At best, I can give myself a healthy life-style which helps me feel serene and calm much of the time. Without this program, I would still be living in a state of panic, depression, and frustration. Live and let live, ODAT.
Thank you Enigmatic for your service this fine Tuesday!
I so appreciated all the shares as well. Lyne, my sponsor also told me to "stop trying to force solutions." She will still say that, but much less frequently now, as I have learned a better way to deal.
I really identified with TT's description of MY sickness was hidden and hard to identify. So many behaviors stemmed from a true caring, loving nature! It took 3 rounds of Step 4 for me to understand myself! So glad I did them though!
Grateful.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Tuesday MIP family! Thank you Paul for your service and the daily! Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I have to raise my hand too - I had great fear that mine would pass from this disease and that scared me greatly. Where I get most comfort from recovery is knowing that we all have a higher power, it's not me and caring more about another than myself is not healthy!
It was not easy to pause worrying, managing, leading, etc. about my qualifier(s) and I am one who needed every tool presented to change my focus on a regular basis. I am grateful that I found a home group meeting which really, really encouraged self-examination and discouraged mention of who brought you 'here'. In my early recovery and often still during my continued growth and change, my sponsor will say - I hear what you say about _________ (qualifier) yet, I'm interested in you. How do you feel? Why do you think it's about you? What is it about you that takes 'this' personally? These kinds of questions helped me to set aside what others were/are doing/saying, and consider what my mind/heart are hearing and doing with the present, here and now.
I am a big fan of J.A.D.E - helped me stop justifying, arguing, defending and/or explaining. I not only tried to manage others and their disease, I over-explained everything as if they had no brain of their own. I was (with the best of intentions) shamefully condescending without trying to be. What is ever better for me is the longer I stay focused on me, the more peace I have simply because I now know there was not a thing my Q's did, said, did not do, did not say that made my unhealthy and insane...it was all on me, the choices I made (with the best of intentions) to defend against the disease that worked, until they didn't.
I wore tons of shame because of the disease and how it affected my loved ones and family. I don't any longer, as Al-Anon helped me realize that my desired state of hunky dory perfection was unrealistic and all marriages, families, people, etc. have got their own crosses to bear. It brings me peace to truly know I am not alone, and that there is always help and hope in recovery!
Love and light to all - make it a marvelous Tuesday!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all above for the powerful shares...This really hits at the center of the Program, the concept of Step 1-3, getting out of the way, and focusing on my program. As some of you noted above, this was and still can be very difficult. Without establishing a relationship with a hp to turn things over to: impossible.
It turns out the alcoholic was not the only person/place/thing/situation with which I had this challenge, for the problem was never the alcoholic, it was me and my insanity.
Never easy, but so definitely worth it, incredibly grateful for the wisdom of AlAnon
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
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