Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Selfishness(complaint)

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Kathleen))) - I am so sorry that you're stuck @ home when you wanted to visit a friend instead! What I heard early on was to always have a Plan B. No matter the event, circumstance, etc. - plan for it and then enact if necessary! If you don't drive or share a car and still want to go/do, call an Uber! There's always another way - we just get stuck at times. This doesn't excuse his actions or attitudes but does allow you to fend for yourself if/when the selfishness rises to the surface.

Sending you tons of positive energy!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Big hugs,

That sounds super disappointing. Plan B's are great however for this situation it's not possible. I'm currently learning that I still have more than one choice, I just need to remind myself and step back from the emotional flux.

Living with insanity isn't easy, take a breath and do something for you.

Hugs, S :)

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, Plan B, not being reliant upon, not relying on, and all that...sure, that's great. Great advice, sounds good. But before I found recovery, and I was living life every single day, well, you know what they say about a plan and plans...everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face!!! And...man plans...God laughs.

What I realized is that I had to expect this but not accept this. High hopes, low expectations. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance, and more acceptance and acceptance. BUT...THAT DOES NOT MEAN TO ACCEPT UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. We think things are OK...but they aren't. Sure, we can learn to -- cope with, navigate, accept, learn, soft-shoe, back-peddle, meander, dance, avoid, detach, disengage, diffuse, run away from, not enable, not perpetuate, not contribute to, not rebut, ignore, and so much more -- but that doesn't change the reality of the situation. Sure, we can have and change our perspective. We can cause and experience a paradigm shift in our thinking and attitude. All true. Without question. But, the reality is still what the reality is.

Plan B doesn't change reality. Sure, if you have a Plan B you get to do what you had wanted to do and your plans weren't impacted or ruined by the alcoholic's drinking, behavior, disease, whatever. But, we will still have to live...live our life. One day at a time.

Yes, marriages suffer. It is one of the victims of this disease. There are many. The direct and collateral damage of this disease casts a far and wide net. I found it to be common that the spouse of an alcoholic "thought" things were "OK" or perhaps "better" or maybe "not bad" or something along the like. How could it be? It can't if whatever label is dependent on the alcoholic, where they are at in their own situation and head, how they are doing, etc. How many times does someone who is complacent know they are being complacent? How many times is someone in denial, and they actually know at that time that they are in denial?

Doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful makes my life unmanageable. When I do unreasonable things for unhealthy people, my life becomes unmanageable.

It is my job -- and no one else's job -- to make my life manageable.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Kathleen))))

I am sorry about the disappointment. I lived the last 5 years of my marriage always having a Plan B for myself... b/c I knew I could never rely on my spouse. As I became more comfortable with that, more independent, he would lash out and accuse me of not loving him. I could never "win" in that situation. But I was able to do what I wanted or needed to do for my own sanity. So Plan B's are good.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course it all worked out. My ah was willing to take me to see my friend the next day. There was tension that night even the silent treatment. But he broke it w a smart remark. Then he laid down & went to sleep. I hate to say this but I threw a cussing fit! There were this incidents that caused me to blow up. When he tot up I realized that the day wait was OK. It was one of those things where I didn't get my way. I am satisfied w visiting my friend. She ordered more sunglasses readers for me. So I was able to pick them up. We played a game called Scrabble Slam. It is a simpler version & a card game. Just thought I would mention it because it is really good for the mind. Take care all! We are in this time together. Thank to God for MIP. BTW I can't take an uber in my small town. Lol.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been working with a friend of.mine to reduce the cussing. When was with the qualifier I had huge arguments with him. Eventually until I got to al anon the arguments went on Then I started taking the suggestions and stopped arguing In the past few months I was severely stressed over many issues Then I got back into the cussing hecause I was plain angry. That is really angry so I have been working super hard lately to not be in that frane of mind I used to think letting it out was defusing. However I find myself quickly exhausted by thar kind of anger. I only have so much energy. I.have to treasure it Maresie

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Kathleen - so glad it all worked out and you got to see/spend time with your friend....the game sounds fun - love games! Glad you circled back with a positive outcome - keep doing what you are doing - it looks great on you! Sorry about the Uber thought - I've never done one but know many who have! Love and light!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

It's interesting, back in the day, before recovery, when I was in it, in the heat of the moment -- the selfishness bothered me to no end! I was angry about it. I had to leave weddings and charity events early, not go at all in some cases. My life, my business, my enjoyment was destroyed "because of her" and I felt like "she did this to me" and I felt like this all the time!!! Of course, as I started to do the work, and as I started to learn, and live a life of recovery, of course like many of you, I realized she was not doing this to me...she was just doing what she was doing. Dogs bark, infants cry, and alcoholics do _____________ (fill in the blank).

Once I started to learn, and once I started to get better, change my attitude, my thinking, my behavior, etc. -- I was able to not be angry. I realized that my wife was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. I realized that her thought process had become corrupted and as a result, she was not healthy and was not herself any longer. I thus accepted this...BUT that did not mean I had to accept unacceptable behavior. My wife was "selfish" as her drinking, and the impact it had on us, me, our lives, my business, was very severe, and very negative. Changed attitudes aid recovery. While I changed my attitude, again, just to be clear -- I did not accept unacceptable behavior.

I started looking at my Plan B's when it came to events, plans, etc. On the other hand, in the bigger picture, re-vamping many different aspects of my life had to be looked at in a different context. It wasn't about me being able to go to a wedding, or go to a friend's house, or go to a charity event. There was a much larger, much more important issue here.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene