The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The author's home Al-Anon group had a standard way of welcoming newcomers, that they had used for many years. One night, the chairperson departed from the usual script. The author was greatly disturbed by this change, and spent the rest of the meeting worrying about the newcomers. What if they didn't hear what they needed to hear? What if they didn't come back? But at the end of the meeting, one of the newcomers spoke up and said he was grateful for what he had heard, that it was exactly what he needed. This reminded the author that a higher power works through our groups so that we each get what we need.
Today's reminder: I do not know what is best for other people. Today I will remember that newcomers, and everyone else, are in the hands of a power greater than myself.
Quote from Living With Sobriety: "When I stopped dwelling on how things would probably work out, I was better able to pay attention to what I was doing."
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After I'd been in Al-Anon for a while and started doing service in my home group, I worried A LOT each time we had newcomers! I worried that they would not relate to the book we were studying, or the routines we followed in the meeting, or the business announcements, or they would feel pressured to donate to the 7th Tradition basket came around, even though we told them that as a newcomer didn't have to. I worried they would be triggered by something we read, or that they would feel uncomfortable when there was a few minutes of silence between shares. Sometimes I shared just so there wouldn't be a silence that might make a newcomer uncomfortable. I cared about them so darn much, that I wanted to control their experience. One time, I persuaded the chairperson to change our standard opening because it was a small meeting with just two of us plus one newcomer. That was a mess. Not my proudest moment.
Anyway, with more experience, I have become less worried. One thing that persuaded me was a reminder I read that a newcomer is so distraught when they come to the first meeting, they probably won't remember much of what they heard -- only how they felt. That was certainly true for me at my first meeting. It was all so strange to me, and my brain was practically exploding with the stress of my situation, almost none of it made sense -- but I was welcomed so warmly before and after the meeting, that I still remember it to this day. One of my treasured possessions is the list of phone numbers that people wrote for me at that first meeting. Only after several weeks did the words of the opening readings begin to sink in.
Just today, I read a sentence in the latest Forum magazine: "My life becomes unmanageable when I try to exert control over the lives of other people." I think that's true inside the rooms as well as out in the world.
I can love the newcomers (and others) without controlling them -- what a concept!
Thanks FT for your service. I was completely confused at my first and a few thereafter meetings, because no one told me what to expect and I came for answers that were not given. But I was in so much pain and needed so much help, that I went on auto pilot and just kept coming back.
I sometimes wonder about newcomers too, but I see that it all works out. In my home group we invite new people to stay when the meeting is over and we can answer any questions they have. HP is at work here for sure, Lyne
As a newcomer, I only remember crying... the whole meeting - for the first three meetings!! I was grateful that the person chairing the meeting announced beforehand that newcomers didn't need to contribute money, as I had no idea what a meeting entailed, and of course I was broke (as usual)!! I kept returning, even though I wasn't entirely sure "this" was for me. It wasn't until I attended a Speaker Meeting and almost completely identified with the woman speaking did I think this may be a place of salvation for me. This was after 2 mos. of weekly Nar-Anon meetings, and then a switch to Al-Anon meetings. I found there was a difference - at the time. Now I know that addiction is addiction is addiction. And co-dependency works very much the same!
Wishing everyone here peace this Friday! I am off of work (Woot!), with no place to go, nothing to do (new lockdown). I was so looking forward to using this rare weekday off to go to the beach - the one place I knew I could easily social distance! Oh well, I do need to attend to other things (that can only be done on the weekday), so perhaps HP is guiding me that way!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I had doubts where our southern assembly had answers. It appeared to be standing still. I had to search my own heart- to deal with my own personal issues- that might have been getting in the way of my judgement.
In the golden days of Alanon here we had four meetings. Small, but functioning. We were in the middle with a meeting to the west, north and south.
In the day too, members used to travel to each other's meetings.
Meeting style- in my view came down or the fact- that around here he had a different chair for each weekly meeting. A chair could make changes- and the next chair would more or less decide whether to continue with that trend.
But, on the wider issue I discovered recently that one neighbouring group- seems to be going well. And has a midday meeting as well. The old timer over there I rarely saw at an assembly. I think that tells me something!
I made some contact with this group- and offered support if called upon. To Step one a male- or to do steps 4 thru 7 with a male... ... and I would do a few meetings on that score- if needed.
Over lock-down I have done quite a few meetings on Zoom- all round the world. Both Alanon and ACA.
I don't want to see Alanon die out round here, mais c'est la vie... [one day at a time]...
...actually I am an active members of this group right here- MIP Alanon.
A great training ground- with rich and diverse experience of recovery... a gr8 balance.
Early Saturday here- as I write. Daughter and granddaughter are stopping over tonight... which ah is really looking forward to.
Thank you for your service and the daily Freetime! Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I do not really recall much of what was said in my first meeting - it was a large group and quite overwhelming. I did not return as I had no interest or saw no need in changing me. I returned to the chaos/drama/insanity of my home with the disease trying to fix, control, manage it all.
When I finally hit bottom, I returned to a different group. It was smaller and I still don't recall the words but there was a genuine calm about the place, the people, the shares and the vibe. The first meeting did have a few folks who 'instructed' me. At the time, it did not keep me from coming back - I made that choice on my own as I wasn't yet at my bottom. It wasn't unusual to me because we are much more instructive @ AA - as we believe, share and embrace that to drink is to die.
The 2nd group became my home group. I was taught the gentleness of the program and that most of us arrive wanting to control other people, places and things - part of our disease. We were consistently gentle, kind, loving, patience and calm ALWAYS, with or without newcomers. The meeting had an agreed upon structure, including the opening and it took me some time to embrace the whole 'thing'. We had a format for our weekly meeting, a slightly changed one for newcomers and it all worked well.
I do believe if anyone deviated from the agreed upon format, it would have created issues. Coming from the 'other side' and used to just about anything in meetings (sleeping, burping, drunks, interruptions, pontificating and so much more), I actually really struggled with the consistency, yet came to appreciate it.
What I know about me is that had I kept going to the first meeting, and been 'instructed' each week, I would not have stayed around. I am a big supporter of attraction vs. promotion and ESH vs. instruction/directions. I'm grateful that my sponsor has always encouraged me to try things instead of instructing me to do things. I've never been scolded nor scorned by my sponsor, for which I am grateful as I grew up with 'that'.
For me, it was the authenticity of the members in the second meeting that was attractive vs. the first. I'm not saying they first meeting lacked it, I just didn't get to see it as a newcomer because everyone was so busy directing me (and others, new). Today, I go out of my way to avoid controlling people as it's been a big element of me that I've worked to change. I see it quickly and detach immediately. I have no need for another to should me or instruct/direct me, I have a great need to be shown alternatives as suggestions.
I have enough issues with staying present - my mind wonders and my feet follow at times - so I really do practice, "Don't sweat the small stuff!" I always make sure a new member has a phone list and go out of my way to suggest text if that's more comfortable for them. I hated calling others - I felt weak or whiny so texting was 'easier' for me in the beginning!
Love and light all - happy weekend eve - make it the best day ever!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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...Great topic and share Freetime... 
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