I'm just going to address the legal parts of this .. as for me that's the stressful part. I'm assuming you are in the United States. I don't suggest this on a regular basis. No .. your bf isn't going to jail over 30 days of late payments. Family court on a good day is hard to get into most courts won't normally hear things until 45+days. It's really going to depend where you are at. He could go to court however based upon covid19 .. nothing is happening in the family courts unless it's deemed an emergency. I would suggest filing paperwork to modify the child support temporarily. Even if the courts don't hear it this week it will be retroed to the filing date. That can make a difference in late penalties. This is temporary not forever. I am a firm believer in child support it's very sad to hear mom has challenges. These are all things that are within HIS power to do. Yes .. going to court immediately for a dui is not good and it will depend on the offense. Court isn't usually instant. My X's last DUI took 2 years i believe to deal with .. from the time he got it to the final date. It was delay delay delay. Ridiculous. So I expect if she has an attorney it will be delayed. FYI .. as long as you are with bf you will have to navigate for yourself what you will and won't deal with. My sig other has adult children that's a different challenge lol .. the kids are and should be for life. He was divorcing when we got together and when I say it was insane that's putting it mildly. Some of my boundaries were .. phone to DND at night there were 16 hours during the day he could deal with her. If there's an emergency what are you going to do at 3am that couldn't be dealt with at 7am? I wasn't having sleep disrupted. He had to learn to say no. We couldn't go out on a date without his phone blowing up. I wasn't interested in a man who couldn't put us first for 2 hours of an evening. Or needed constant drama circling the drain. He started blocking her. The nice thing about blocking is the messages are still there you deal with them later. It had been hours of abusive crazy every single weekend .. btw .. she wasn't an A that I'm aware of. You do have choices though and 230am is not an emergency. 10 year olds shouldn't have to deal with crazy when they are trying to sleep. Knowing what I know now .. none of this is easy and it sounds like you did great given the circumstances. Alanon can help give you the perspective of what your boundaries are and your own self esteem. Working the steps attending meetings .. just taking care of your "stuff" opens the door to way more energy not to get pulled into the constant chaos of their crap. As you change so do others around you. :)

Thank you for all the kind words :) this morning things were more calm and my bf set an appt to talk to his lawyer via phone and is waiting for a call back from the state child support office. He needs to let them know his current situation financially. He is a lot of things but he always wants to stay current and provide for his children. He loves his kids and tries to be their for them in everything they do. His ex-wife tries to control everything to her liking. She has gone against court order a lot of times by withholding the kids for visitations. He needs to talk to the lawyer and he needs to set his boundaries with the ex-wife. I have no part in it. I can be here to listen to him but it's not in my power to fix things. I'm taking it easy today just for today :)

Welcome dragonfly...yes, the situation sounds like a great deal of chaos, coupled with some drama, turmoil, and the occasional havoc. I guess to some extent, the situation by design is extremely vulnerable to all of that. It's just a chaotic situation. Why? Because you have an alcoholic -- a chaotic, drama-filled, turmoil-ridden, and havoc-based person -- involved and at the center of it.

All of wat you described is pretty normal for someone such as this. While I never focus on the alcoholic, to some extent, they thrive on the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. It goes along with the drinking. It goes along with the disease. Yes, some alcoholics just want to drink, but others, who knows. There is no rhyme or reason to this disease or the alcoholic. As I've long said...the more you try and figure out why the alcoholic does what they do, the more you will drive yourself crazy!!!

That said, while I am an attorney, I am not practicing. Even if I was, ethically, I could not speak to many of the issues you raised and referenced in your email. The BEST, SAFEST, and the RIGHT thing to do is to speak with your BF's attorney!!! Period. Let the attorney guide him, advise him, and tell him what he can and can't do, give him options, etc. That's what a good attorney does. I've been involved -- professionally -- in over 400 divorce/post-divorce actions -- and what I said about the attorney guiding him, advising him, etc., that is the best place your BF can be. Now, whether or not his attorney is a good attorney is a completely separate and distinct discussion, and outside the scope of this discussion.

Taking her to trial for a DWI? Interesting. As far you helping him out or not, being able to or not, whatever the case might be -- that's up to you. Nobody can tell you to do that or not do that. It is up to you. I don't know about the other alcoholics you have to deal with in your life as you didn't specifically speak of them. However, understand that setting your boundaries -- that's great -- but understand how boundaries really work. They are not set so that the alcoholic or other person doesn't cross them and violate them. Boundaries are established, implemented, and honored BECAUSE the alcoholic or other person WILL cross them and violate them! Remember the purpose of a boundary and who it is there for. I've often said boundaries are an "advanced topic" in alanon. Even seasoned people don't truly understand boundaries. It's not an easy topic to get a handle on, understand, and ultimately master.

If you can, and want to...go to face to face (conference approved), official, alanon meetings. They are now being held via zoom, and they are all over the place, all over the world. Go to as many meetings as often as you can. Start to learn about the alanon program, what it can, what it can't do for you...and it is very much like a computer...put garbage in, then garbage will come out...put quality, honest, good in, then you will get quality, honest, and good to come out of it. If you can and want to -- start to work the program. You can and will get better and healthy.

All the best.

 

 

Keep as much daily program in your life Dragon Fly because Al-Anon and AA and the steps are very powerfully different than usual life.  The steps and traditions were beyond what I would usually get when not in a meeting or with my sponsor and other members.  I have learned to think differently, feel differently, behave differently for my benefit and for those around me.  No more judges or courts or police chases and such and no more going crazy because the alcoholic/addict and her crowd were trying too make me do what they thought and wanted me to.   

I don't  have to deal with her/their manipulations any more.  There are many others still around that want me in their form but that today is just for program practice for me and opportunities to hang with my Higher Power and have it come out "Our way".  Works for me more often.   ((((Hugs))))   Keep coming back.    

Thank you for all the positive words and information. I appreciate it very much. I do not know how custody and how child support work other than what I read on his divorce decree. When I got divorced we didn't outright own any property except the vehicles and we did not have children so I was able to divorce pretty quickly and easily. As for her DWI I believe she had an open container in the vehicle and resisted arrest also apparently this was not her first dwi. I do not know much of the details and what I do know is hearsay. So I will not assume to know the details. He was able to talk to his lawyer and he is still waiting from a call back from state attorney general office. Things have calmed down a bit. He is actively looking for employment. The unemployment office still hasn't come through even though he is approved. I have been taking it one day at a time. I ordered the one day at a time book to start my daily readings. I feel like I want to hurry and get better. I feel like everything I do is either a good thing or a mistake. I have no balance right now. With every post I read I am learning. Thank you for having these boards to share and read I am grateful for them.

I have the maxim of not having too much on my plate. Sounds like you have a lot on Maresie