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Hello everyone, I very much need some help. I am struggling to cope, on the receiving end. I am 41, female and had to leave my marriage four Years ago as my husband did not manage to recover from cocaine addiction. I felt seriously let down. After I managed to get free of the mental anguish that that relationship caused me, I met my now boyfriend. I thought I had met my dream man as without alcohol, he is a kind man, extremely thoughtful, sensitive and loving. We went to University together 24 years ago and knew each other well, so we had an immediate closeness and bond. We have joint friends from years back and everyone always says how kind and wonderful he is but no one knows the truth behind closed doors. The last three Years with him have been so tough at times and at points, I have contemplated my own life, as I have felt so very low. I have a great job, am totally self sufficient so he relies on me. I am the provider and says he hates that.
I found out that he suffered with alcoholism, in a serious way about 3 years ago, about 8 months in to our relationship. I found masses of empty whisky, wine, strong cider and rum bottles packed under his bed and in his wardrobe, behind drawers, in bags etc... My instinct was to run, to leave but after doing that, I felt I shouldn't give up on him, after all, I felt it was my destiny that I met him after all these years. I also thought he was drinking just due to the agony of not having access to see his own children after his marriage ended. So, I chose to battle on through it, praying that unlike my husband, he would beat it and get help. I now feel I have just enabled him. I feel weak and he gets around me every time. We started living together a year ago and he hides bottles everywhere. I am constantly searching and begging him to stop (I know this is totally useless). He comes in from work, staggering or falling over and snapping at me, but swears he has had nothing to drink. He sometimes comes across as unusual and almost delirious or insane. He is deluded, forgets what he is saying and flits between topics, telling me he hasn't said this and that (when he said it 5 mins ago). I find it unbearable. I feel like my mind cannot take it. In the moment, I feel very mentally confused, manipulated and that I am somehow the crazy one and it hurts me to the core. He falls over in front me at home, in front of friends at parties and breaks glasses, falls into furniture and is always hurting himself. I am so embarrassed and I feel like a carer. I cannot relax, even in my own home. I am very scared too, of him hurting himself but also of my life passing me by. I am scared he is going to lose his life and never get better. I always beg him not to drink. to go for walks or just have an evening without it but it rarely happens. I love him and want him better. I hate giving up on anything. I was always told to persevere until the bitter end.
I enjoy alcohol, I drink socially. To help my partner though, I have had periods where I have given up alcohol myself but he still drinks secretly and comes home drunk. He says I am just paranoid and that he hasn't had a drop but he stinks of it. There is no point in me giving up, he still continues himself and I see absolutely no benefit in losing out on a normal social life for myself. He has lied and lied to me but I always forgive him. He told me he had £18,000 to put into our new house (it is all in my name and he is still registered at home) but after 5 months of keeping this lie up, he had no choice but to admit it wasn't true. He has struggled to get work that pays well as he is trying to find a reliable job after being made redundant from a very successful job before we met. He has stolen from my bank card several times to go to the local shop to get his drink fix. The main problem for me is the anger I am now feeling. It is the stealing and the lies that make me EXPLODE. My ex did the very same to me, so I feel doubly let down. I have no children at the hands of addiction. I feel gullible and too trusting with an inbuilt faith that people can change. I am ultra forgiving too which I now know is a hindrance in life, not a positive.
Not only does he lie though, he gets nasty (not at all physical) but he snaps at me and tells me I am too much, too intense, too emotional, too this too that...but I am these things because I am suffering the effects of his behaviour. He pushes me to my absolute mental limit and I cannot cope. I lash out in anger, I have shaken him, torn his t-shirt and screamed hysterically at him. He shouts at me too. He now regularly says I am abusive but I am broken by this. I have never hurt anyone but I could also stab myself through all the pain I feel he is causing me, on top of how my ex made me feel. I am scared of how intensely angry I am getting in the moments when he is lying and acting irrationally. I feel I am capable of anything as I just lose the will to be alive. I do not feel anger or resentment outside of the arguments, just in the moment but I guess it is deep rooted within me. Please can anyone share their story or offer up some advice, I would be so grateful. Thank you for reading this very lengthy post. We have plenty of sober moments that are so wonderful and I just want to help him...
-- Edited by aivile on Sunday 28th of June 2020 03:29:44 PM
-- Edited by aivile on Sunday 28th of June 2020 03:36:26 PM
Aivile welcome to the family and the MIP board. Thanks for sharing your experiences, strength and hopes with us. This is what we do daily with and for each other who have been victimized by the disease of alcoholism and addiction. Flying into a rage is normal behavior for folks who find themselves being attacked by people, places and things we have no control over.
I didn't know about alcoholism when I found myself constantly attacked by it. I thought the attacks were personal reality and when I first heard "disease" or any other phrase that was being used to describe it I disregarded the explanations as unreal because what I was going thru was more real and I could feel the pain.
I had much to learn; one item that I was born and raised in the disease and never heard it mentioned in the family. The description I heard was "drunk" which would get me punished if my parents and elders heard me use it. I had to wait years and after coming into the Al-Anon program before I came to understand.
Raging was a powerful emotion for me and it gave me a sense of power over those I saw as attempting to hurt me. I am still making amends to people who I hurt badly that didn't understand my insanity.
What made me stop?? First of all it was the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups that taught me from the very first step that I was dealing with alcoholism and drug addiction and that my life was unmanageable because of it. That was not the simple solution; I had to be around others that knew more about this disease and the consequences of my compulsion with trying to stop those I loved from hurting me.
I had to learn about alcoholism a disease of the mind body, spirit and emotions that can never be cured but only arrested by total abstinence. I had to have the willingness to be and do everything I could to understand and for me that included college. I had to be willing to learn about and create a relationship with a Power Greater Than Myself and build on it daily.
I had to learn how to step away from and out of myself in order to see the person my alcoholic/addict wife and others were trying to have a relationship with. I saw what they saw and lost the justification for it. I learned to yell STOP!! and to obey that command and then learned to follow that up with "I APPOLOGIZE". Both commands were important to me because I personally valued them myself and I knew the amount of pain I caused others when I raged.
I had the program and the fellowship in it with their experiences to go to and ask about their experiences just a you are doing now. YAY for Aivile cause we will stand by you 24/7 as you seek your peace of mind and serenity.
If you do what we have done you will get what we have got. If you don't you will continue to have the insanity that brought you here and none of use wants to see that again.
Keep coming back...Listen with and open mind and...practice, practice, practice. ((((HUGS))))
Many of us come into this program at the end of our rope. Look around this is z pretty motivared group.
We come here broken, angry, grief sticken but most of all desperate
I think I had to get desperate to be willing to acceot help.
Most of all what you will find here is complete acceptance, no judgment and a willingness to listen
I could give you my war story but instead I will say that out of a period of intense pain in the last 6 months I discovered a lot of insight. Then I also found ways to navigate through the pain. I most certainly have issues. I manage those issues very well these days. I was, like you, at the end if my rope recently. Then I found ways to navigate through this stress and oain that was overwhelming me. One of the key was that I was willing to take direction. I had to be willing to do that
Welcome
Maresie
Welcome. Healing can be found here. It is yours for the taking... but you need to be open to focusing on YOU.
I came from a long marriage that was full of lies and gas-lighting. The love didn't die... the lies/gas-lighting extinguished that flame! You know you are at the end of your mental capacity... you know the rage-acting out is wrong (notice I didn't say the Anger was wrong?).
You are ready for a new way... a better way... a way that is kinder on YOU.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Welcome...there's a little bit of everything in your post that most people have when they walk into the rooms of alanon...denial, justification, rationalization, vaccilation, writing your own script, codependency, and a few more things. Most people in alanon have had it, experienced it, etc.
You said you very much need help, you are struggling to cope, you are on the receiving end. Well, that's all about YOU...so first, you should FOCUS ON YOU. This is not about him. He can be whatever, but the reality is YOU live with the truth behind the closed doors. Life is not lived in fantasy or in what other people see and think. It is lived in reality, behind closed doors, real world, day to day real stuff. You say that you are totally self sufficient and that he relies on me. Perhaps you rely on him relying on you? Codependency? Rescuer? You found out he suffered with alcoholism, about 8 months into your relationship. So, he misrepresented, lied by omittance, hid, or whatever you want to call it. That's what alcoholics do. Period. Your instinct was to run, but after doing that, you felt you shouldn't give up on him? Why? What about YOU? Give up on him, or, rescue him? Fix him? Check your motives here. As far as the friends, college, destiny, and all that -- combination of denial, what you want, writing your own script, justification, and whatever else, doesn't matter. This is about YOU. YOU. Not him, not destiny. First guy, cocaine, second guy, alcohol, common denominator...YOU.
You thinking, analyzing, etc., why he's drinking -- agony about children, etc. -- that's you focusing on him. Focus on YOU. Doing that is allowing you to do what it is you want to do, which is "battle on through it" -- you decided, and now you justify, so you come up with reasons. You did enable him. Your formula, script, perfect plan of why, how, he would stop, this would work...has one problem. Just one. He is an alcoholic!!! He wants to drink. Isn't that obvious? He's made his decision. This is a progressive, insidious, baffling, cunning, confusing, enigmatic, and decimating disease. You find all of this unbearable? How about...unless he gets clean and sober, which you can't make happen, then this will get worse. He has to want to get clean and sober. Not YOU. You can't want it, beg, plead, threaten, ask, rationalize, nothing. The alcoholic will NOT STOP drinking, unless and until they want to...and there is nothing you can do about that. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that you love him and want him better. Love comes in second to alcohol when the alcoholic is drinking. If you hate giving up on anything, think about, when this gets worse, that you might be giving up on your life! "He has lied and lied to me but I always forgive him." -- is that his problem or your problem?
This is a progressive disease and it is a progressive situation. You closed your post saying you "just want to help him..."
Here it is...YOU help him, by FIRST HELPING YOURSELF!!! You have to get better. You have to get healthy. Here's what what worked for me:
1) Going to conference approved, official, face to face alanon meetings. They are now meeting via zoom and they are all over the world. I just lead a meeting in London a few days ago, went to a meeting in LA last night, and NYC this morning. Go! Go to as many and as often as you can!
2) Buy the daily readers -- Courage To Chance and One Day At A Time -- and do the readings, every morning, and every evening.
3) Find a sponsor. Start working with your sponsor. Talk, go over things, learn, ask questions, and more.
4) Start doing the work...working the alanon program.
If you do these things, commit to these things, and truly want to get better, want to get healthy....YOU CAN and YOU WILL.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
aivile - I too send a warm welcome to you. I am glad you found us and so glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, for which there is no cure. There is treatment, which typically includes abstinence and support. Alcoholism is also considered a family disease as it reaches beyond the person drinking (or drugging) and affects those who live with or love them. We (friends and family) often don't realize our own affect until 'boom' - our eyes are opened to our own actions, reactions, insanity.
Al-Anon is for friends and family who are concerned about the drinking in another. AA is one program for the active A (alcoholic). Both programs use a 12 step philosophy to focus on self, heal self and improve self. Both programs have literature that is used as well as meetings, and more. If you visit the Al-Anon website, there is tons of information as well as meeting locations/times/etc. by area.
If you are in an area that has local meetings, they may/may not be meeting because of the pandemic. There are online meetings, phone meetings, zoom meetings, etc. As far as some tools to try for the here/now so you don't rage, here's some things that worked for me.
- I just did not engage with the disease. If my A was under the influence, I steered clear when I first started to avoid the drama/chaos/fighting/etc.
- My steering clear included, but was not limited to: Taking a walk, Taking a bath, Going into the bathroom or laundry room (2 places I wasn't followed), going to the grocery store, the gym, the park, the mall, a meeting, etc.
- I began going to bed when I wanted to, not waiting for my AH (Alcoholic Husband).
- If he woke me when he arrived, and I needed to, I went to another bedroom or the couch.
- I filled my days with things I wanted/needed to do. I stopped waiting to see what another was doing; I put me first in small ways.
Small changes in how I approached the disease and the diseased in my home gave me room to think and breathe. With time, literature, meetings, sponsor and practice, I came to realize that who I am and how I am is not because of anyone or anything other than me. I wanted/needed to be a better person and learned how to detach and create healthy boundaries. My best defense early on was to just allow 'him' or 'them' to be right and when I opted out, the chaos/drama was a lot less and much shorter!
There is no shame in loving another with this disease. It also was helpful for me to focus in on who I fell in love with. The best gift I could give to those I love and to myself was to just not engage - and stay on the other side of the street. When mine would try to pick a fight or push my buttons, I would sit and not react which was way less fun for them, so they moved along for other activities.
For me, I could tell when I was getting ready to loose it - I had a physical response (racing heart) before I even engaged. To change the dynamics, I had to change me, my reaction. I didn't know how when I started, so I vacated instead. It felt much, much better than the emotional hang-over of the raging, chaotic, drama-filled fights of before.
I share because I hear you needing/wanting ideas for the here/now. Al-Anon did teach me that I didn't have to participate in every fight I was invited to, it's better to walk away instead of react while I am learning how to respond healthily, and that I would rather be happy and have peace than be right...
There is tons of help and hope in recovery. You truly are not alone - please keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much all, for the words of wisdom. I have read and absorbed everything you say and I don't feel so alone today.
I have read so much about this disease lately and I recognise I have indeed been an enabler.
For the first time in months, due to feeling calmer after reading your posts, I was able to have a constructive conversation with my partner today. It came from him that he wants to seek help. I know this may not come into fruition but I will encourage him all the way, when he needs it. I will not force it, I know it has to come from him.
I do however, have the courage to live my life alone. This has never been an issue for me as I have lots of interests to pursue but I would love to see him recover and hopefully have a future with him.
A very close friend of ours is in recovery and he is doing a great job. My partner hasn't yet felt comfortable about admitting to our friend that he is also an alcoholic. Should I reach out to that friend and should I speak to my partner's family or friends or , would you recommend this only happens with permission from my partner? I feel I want to get his family support but am unsure of how he might respond.
For now, I am going to focus on what makes me happy (thank you forcthis suggestion) and if this continues without him seeking support, I will be asking him to leave.
In my experience, you need to let him figure this out on his own -- what he wants, how bad he wants it, if he's serious, etc. In addition, if he is serious...HE SHOULD DO IT...NOT YOU. Don't enable. You can be there for him, but in a healthy and supportive way...not tied to his hip, partnering with him getting him sober. He has to do that. Not you.
As far as who to talk to...with or without his permission? For me, it doesn't matter. It is up to him to talk to people. Not you. This is his recovery. Not your recovery. His sobriety, getting help, finding recovery, or even continuing to drink IS UP TO HIM. IT IS ON HIM. NOT YOU. It doesn't matter that YOU WANT to get his family support. This is not about what you want. Acceptance -- accept that you are powerless here. Completely powerless. Stop fighting that. Accept it and let it go. Let him do what he is going to do.
One conversation, a hundred conversations -- no matter how promising you find them -- mean nothing. What he says means nothing. It is 100% about what he does and does without you and your involvement.
That said, you should do what you feel is best, right, and what it is you want to do. I am simply sharing my experience, what worked for me, and what I've learned in my years in alanon.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
aiville - it is good to read that you seem in a better mind-space. However, ask yourself, "What is my motivation for "outing" him to his family?" This seems like it is still directing his Recovery.
It was my experience with my qualifier that as long as he didn't want to be completely honest with people about his addiction, he was still "hiding," and not being honest WITH HIMSELF. Denial was still very strong. Where there is Denial there is no true Healing - this goes for both parties in the relationship.
A boundary I used (a boundary is for yourself) when I was "in it" was, "This is his story to tell... however, I will not lie or otherwise cover for him." So from that day on, I wouldn't call into work for him, tell our friends "he was too sick to come" or any of the other 100 excuses he wanted me to tell. So I didn't go out and "Tell" anyone. But if they asked what was affecting ME... I was honest. If they wanted to push for more information, I would let them know politely that it was his story to tell, so they should go to the source.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest.
Wishing you peace this week!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Excellent insight PaP!!! I remember when my wife's family was grilling me for info. I told them, talk to her. She needs to talk to you.
Yes, check your motives!!! Big time!!!
Now, when she got drunk, and used to slur her speech, not be able to complete sentences, etc. -- and they would ask me -- what's wrong with her, I would say talk to her, either now or when you feel she can communicate normally.
I did learn one thing though -- while my wife was telling me she wanted to get better, was going to get better, was going to get help, was going to quit, and so on and so on and so on -- the entire time she never admitted to her family, our family, that she had a problem and was going to get help. What I learned -- she was lying to them...but she was also lying to me!!! Get my point.
She lied to them by not telling them, making excuses, etc. But she was lying to me when she said she was going to get help, going to quit, etc.!!!
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
At the time, I was in denial. I believed she was telling me the truth, but just not ready to tell our family the truth. I believed she was telling me the truth, but just hiding it from them.
Denial. Justification. Rationalization. Vacillation. She and I...WE...we were both guilty of all that. We were both unhealthy.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
aiville - so, so glad to hear that you're in a better place and that you've had a conversation. I also was an enabler as I didn't know any better! I had an unhealthy definition of what love, commitment, etc. meant so I continuously did for others that which they should do for themselves. I had to learn the difference between being of service and enabling, and it took me some time and practice to get to a healthier place.
My experience is that I am outside of 'my hula hoop' or I've departed from my side of the street when I am doing or willing to do for another more than they are doing or willing to do for themselves. It's an easy way for me to pause and consider where I am vs. where I should be.
Both of my boys are Alcoholic and they taught me that I have no right to tell their story in any way/shape/form. In Al-Anon (here), we rarely, if ever discuss who brought us to the rooms. Instead, we truly focus on us, our feelings, actions, thoughts, choices, etc. Often, a newcomer will appear and share a bit about what brought them but in reality, for those I meet with in most meetings, I do not know if it was spouse, parent, child, other. This is simply because most of us have spent an enormous amount of time obsessing over the A - their moods, actions, words, behaviors, health, etc. Recovery is about us and for us.
I love, love, love the share that you have the courage to live life alone! I can so relate...and applaud your willingness to keep coming back and your courage to find your truth. My go-to line with all whom I love and want to support but not enable is, as you explore your options, let me know if I can be of service. This is safe, caring, non-intrusive and supportive.
Love and light - keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I went to my first meeting I just wanted to know how to fix my husband. To my surprise, it just does not work that way. They need to want to get help, and we cannot help them. I cried, shouted, and cried some more just wanting him to get sober and he did not. It has been the hardest road ever each and every day. I feel so much stronger emotionally and mentally because of coming to these rooms, reading, praying, etc. I wish you the very best. Keep coming back because you are worth it!
