The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been looking for support in dealing with my brother's alcoholism. He and I were never close until about a year and a half ago. I was going through a rough time, reached out to him and found out he was going through hell. He has a history of problems with alcohol (I never knew) but had been doing well for a few years. A series of events pushed him to a point that he used alcohol again to numb the depression and other feelings. In 2012 our Dad passed away followed by 3 grandparents in the next 5 years. His wife told him she had been having an affair for about 10 years (almost the entirety of their marriage-and during the births of 2 kids). He has spiraled since. He is living with my mom trying to exist. He went through a detox program and when released and awaiting pick up by my mom and myself, immediately went and drank.
He is in a program currently that meets 3 times a week for 3 hour sessions ----but all online. He works from home thanks to COVID. He is depressed and broken (his words). He turns into someone else when he drinks and is treating my mother horribly. I am trying to support him, be there for him, AND listen to and support my Mom (she calls me crying frequently). I am MAD. I am sad, scared, and I hurt for him. I bite my tongue most of the time and when I don't, I try to say supportive things. He drinks and drives. I have kids who share the road with him and this makes me ANGRY.
There is so much more to this, but that is a nutshell. Sometimes I avoid both he and my Mom so that I can be happy about what is going on in my life and enjoy it. And then I feel guilty.
I am terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. ANY input or advice is appreciated.
NSANMOM24 - welcome to MIP. So glad that you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease for which there is truly no cure. Effective treatment does suggest abstaining from consuming alcohol and having continuous support to stay sober. AA is one program of recovery for an Alcoholic and Al-Anon is a program of recovery for family and friends concerned about the drinking of another.
We do not give advice, but rather share our ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope). We do suggest that you try to find and attend meetings in your area, certainly difficult currently with the pandemic. If you visit the Al-Anon official website online, you'll find resources, information and alternative meetings that may interest you in your start of understanding more.
We learn in Al-Anon that we are powerless over the alcohol too as well as the alcoholic, their lives, recovery, drinking, etc. We try to focus on ourselves so we don't get sucked into the drama/chaos that the disease brings. We try to heal ourselves and deal with our lives using tools we learn in recovery. Al-Anon has saved my sanity and helped me keep a distance from the chaos. It's changed me and helped me find my path to a place where I no longer obsess over fixing, changing, managing, monitoring, etc. the action of others.
Please know that you are not alone! Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am glad you made it here
I recently wncountered a man who I have known now for about two months. My standard way of operating is to get involved oretty quickly. He was funny, engaging, warm, empathic. He did not judge. That is all the right stars aligned in olace. I hekd back which is not that hard because there is a oandemic going on.
Then I started seeing the eed flags. He spent his stimulus money on a car. Then he took an extended trip. Then there was the disclosure of the drinkng during the day. Then this week he got a dui
I spent 8 years with a man who destroyed all our vehicles who constantly got tickets.
8 years of dealing with that day in day out.
Certainly I kniw what I am in for if I get involvef with hin. I have akready had an 8 year stint of that.
Al anon can most certainly helo you if you let it in. I have got to place with al anon that other peoole's issues are not mine.
My life consisted of other people's problems before . I am very grateful to alnanon to help me to emerge from being enmeshed with other people.
This is a great place to cone and feel open to sharing. I am glad that you are here
.maresie
So you have 2 people who want you to fix something? Sounds like you belong here. My mother would go on and on about my dad years ago. I never had the slightest idea of what to say. I found out there is a reason for that. There is nothing to say. I can't fix another person's problem unless it is a splinter in their finger and they can hold still. Find a meeting. There are many online now. Take the phone off the hook and listen. Let them know you are a newcomer. It will take several meetings to barely get your head around this program.
When I came into these rooms my father was dead from this disease, my first marriage was gone thanks to this disease and I had 2 teenagers in a rehab. I waited for WAYYY too long IMHO. I could have been here earlier but I didn't get why I should go. I had to experience it, I had to see people who had much worse situations than I did who were happy and free. I had to do a lot of changing but since things got better, it felt good for the most part.
Remember this is just my experience and my humble opinion. I do not know if I would be alive without this program
Thank you everyone! I did locate local meetings but I need to contact them and get details about how they are meeting. He lost his job this past week due to performance. I am so sad for his struggle and pain.
Glad to see you stop back by! I am sorry for the job loss - that is common with this disease. I hope that you can align yourself with the groups/meetings you found locally. Most cities have a central office which can help you hook up. In our area, it's not manned but the phone is answered by program members who volunteer. We also return all messages, so if nobody answers, do leave a message.
Keep coming back here as well - look around, ask questions, read, share, etc. There is hope and help in recovery always!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Most groups are doing neetings by zoom so you can literally pick up.a meeting here. .
Losing a job is pretty common for alcoholics. Remember there are lots of jobs getting canned right now. He should apply anyway .
Walking around on tip toe around people is draining. Look up detachment. That is one of the core skills from al anon. It takes a while to get good at it. The sooner you start the better it gets.
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Please keep checking in ..
Maresie
