The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't shared for awhile, as I have been stuck, and doing a lot of Heart searching. I have to be honest, as I was debating whether to share my story with you, as I don't want to keep rehashing it all, but I decided that if what I share can help someone else do it, a different way than what I did, and for them to learn from it, then here goes.
For 6 years, I have been struggling, punishing my self over a decision that I made at that time. I couldn't understand why, I couldn't let it go, or get past it. I had lost confidence and belief in my self.I have bee a quarter of myself. Thank heavens, now I know why, for I am a searcher, if I have a Problem, or lost my Serenity, I go searching for the answer. I have a real problem of giving up.
What caused it, was, I had a horrible upbringing. There was everything in it, to me, Verbal, Physical, Sexual Abuse. I was also punished for something that I had nothing to do with. Because, I had a different Father, no one talked about it, until I was "officially' told one night. The abuse got worse after that, until one night after having it thrown up in my face that I was a B... a nothing, nobody, didn't belong to anyone, so I challenge My so called Partners, telling them, both for them to tell me who I did belong to. I got nothing, as I was only young at the time, I tried to sort it out in my head, I felt so guilty, and ashamed. But I soon worked out, I wasn't guilty, but the shame of it stayed. I believed that everyone knew, the 'secret" and I was the secret.
So that stayed with me in later life, and when my 3 started having their children, I decided that I was going to be the children's voice. I had Alanon, then, and I also knew that I had very good 3 Adult Children, who thought that I was the problem. The non Alcoholic. I knew that they had big problems with me, all underneath, they knew that I wouldn't play their games, and they wanted me to be who they wanted me to be. I also had to protect them from their father, from a very early age, he was a very violent Alcoholic, towards myself, and the children. So I became their protector.
I could see from the Partners that my 3 had chosen that things were going to happen, and they did, I had to start to protect my Grand Children from the violence, I challenged them, and they didn't like it. Because It was out in the open, and they wanted to just put it under the mat. I became the Threat, and they were always uncomfortable around me. I didn't have to say or do anything, just by me being around them, caused them uneasiness . At one time, I threatened to go to Child Services if the abuse didn't change or stop, as they knew that what I said, I meant and followed through.
So when my son and his partner became parents, they all knew how I felt about being kind to children. right from the start I could see that I was in for another journey. The other Grand Mother was the most important, and had a great deal of power, and I decided that I was not going to compete with my 3 Grand Children. I started to see as the Children got older the way they were being treated, and I also knew that I had to be very careful of how I went about being in their lives, and to help them. I knew that my son had a great deal of anger towards me, because I was me, and if I could tell that he was just waiting for me to step out of line and say something, and he was going to rip my throat out. So I detached, and gave him nothing to go on, but when I was allowed to have my 3 Grand Children, I gave them everything they weren't getting from their parents. When they were brought down to me, I could see the damage of them, they were so quiet, and so introverted, shut down.My heart went out to them, so when they were with me, I gave them Love, Affection, Laughter, and the ability to be themselves, we had just such a good time, so much so, they didn't want to go Home. Which I could see that was causing problems to my son, and partner, I could see they were jealous of our Relationship.
Things started to become much harder for me to see them, the nastiness became much worse for me, and the way I was being treated. I kept detaching, after having decided to stay in it for my 3 Grand Children, I was determined that they were going to be shown there was a difference. Until something really nasty happened to me by my son's partner, I knew that my son could feel how I felt and what had happened, but didn't do anything. It was that bad, I just couldn't get passed it, I could tell that it had started to take a toll on me, and I was starting to lose my self. By me not saying anything, I felt that I was losing my self respect, My dignity, and I knew then, I had had enough.
At that time, I never had Alanon, no meetings, or anyone to talk to. But I had My Programme, and My HP, so I prayed, read my readings, thought about what I was going to do. Please believe me when I say, I didn't take it lightly, I knew I was risking, to lose my 3 Grand Children, but I loved them enough to try..I knew that they were being emotionally, verbally abused, and being brought up in Squalor. So I was going to ask Questions of the Health Inspector, Child Services,and also a Solicitor to be able to see my 3. I sent a letter to my Son, telling him of how hurt I was with what had happened, regarding his partner, and also that I would do what ever I had to do to see my 3 GrandChildren. I knew that I couldn't talk face to face with him, as he would have abused me, and I would have gotten nowhere, so I thought that a letter would be the best way to go, and hopefully, he may be able to talk to me nicely.
However, my 2nd Daughter had other plans, she wanted to take charge of it, even though I asked her not get involved. That it had nothing to do with her, she went ahead and got everyone stirred up. She went and told my son, what I was planning on doing, even though I wanted to give him a chance to talk to me, and to see if we could work things out between us. That was my big mistake, in trusting her. What happened after that, was unbelievable, I knew I was risking big time. But it became a feeding frenzy, and I was the bait. All my Family turned against me big time, I had only 1 Grand Daughter that didn't get involved. Thankfully, I had friends who stuck by me, and I had my faith. I can't begin to say just what it was like, I had to hang on, and believe in myself.I did ask the Questions to the ones, I wanted to, but got nowhere, but I knew that I tried. As I said before, it has been 6 years, I haven't seen my 3 Grand Children since, I had presents sent back. I have tried to talk to my son,but nothing.
As I said before, since then I haven't been able to let it go, and I have found the answer, In Melody Beatties Book, Codependecy. I broke and committed the mortal sin, of breaking the Family Rules, in standing up for what I believed it, and bringing the ugly stuff out in the open. Yes, I couldn't do what I wanted to do, but now, I hope that I can find Peace with what I tried to do for my Grand Children, find my confidence, and belief in myself. I have most of my Family in my lives,today, which I am very grateful for, My Troubled Souls, no, but I pray for them each day,and also pray that one day, I will see my beloved 3 Grand Children.
As I said in the beginning of my story,I only hope it can help someone not to go through what I went through, or to stop them from going through it.
I love you all Lots, and for being part of My Family.
(((Wendy))) - thank you for your lovely share....you are truly not alone! This disease not only ravages those directly affected, it destroys families and relationships. Your share reminded me that I am expected to be imperfect, make mistakes and feel loss, disappointment and more. It's part of our human experience. I also have determined that I can 'choose my family' today and try really, really hard to nurture my healthy relationships and stay on my side of the street where toxicity exists.
I do believe that all families have a degree of dysfunction. I do believe in hope always for healing. Keep doing you and trusting your HP and I do believe more will be revealed. Sending you love and light my friend - prayers and (((hugs))) too!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I grew up in a chaotic scapgoating family
Nothing I did or any decisions i made had any bearimg on tbe chaos or the acapegoating
I am no longer completely enmeshed in that situation.
Nothing I ever did or said had any bearing on.the chaos or the scaoegoating. I had nothing whatsoever to.do with it.
Maresie
.........Thank you all for your lovely sharings, you all will never know how much you all mean to me, and how much your words have helped me. Just knowing that I am not alone in all of this, helps me. I have always felt so alone, but I know now, that I have the Family, I have always wanted. Loving, Kind, Compassionate, and there for me. My other Family, my brothers and sisters, were never like that, even my own Children. Even though I always tried to be the one, who was loving, kind, all of those things. I know have found the one, I want and need.
What I am trying to work through at the moment, is the feeling of knowing how much I hurt my son and my 3 Grand Children, I feel that I have let them down, by me not being able to stay in the relationship, for them and for me. I am the type of person, who, if I hurt someone I love dearly, then I hurt myself. I have decided, that if God gives me the opportunity, I am going to say face to face to my son, that I am sorry for hurting him, not saying sorry for what I did, as I am not.
When I could see things becoming worse, and I could see what was going to happen, I was with my 3 Grand Children, and I said to them. "I want you to listen to what Nanie Wendy has to say, If there is ever a time, that I can't get to watch you when you perform,or get to see you, I want you to always remember, that I am very proud of you all, and I will always Love you.'' I closed with, " Now did you hear me, " Yes, they said. Since then, I was able to get a Message to my eldest Grand Daughter, to tell, her and my other two, that there is not a day goes by that I don't think of them, and miss them greatly, and love them dearly.
The only contact that I am allowed is with my son, and to be able to leave a message on his Mobile Phone. For their Birthdays. I am grateful for that, as I know that if he truly didn't want me in his life, that contact would be removed. I still have hope and believe that If it is God's will, some how, some time, we will get back together again, but certainly not the way it was before.
It has helped me so much, by reaching out in sharing my story, and with beloved people. As I know I have bottled it all up, and was/ felt too ashamed to share it before.
]