The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 6/22, discusses the need to bring the focus back on ourselves, and being able to look at the words we are using. Additionally, blaming others gives them power over us, and our power should belong to us, not others. With a change in attitude, we can speak in a more straightforward manner, and argue in a healthier way. We can talk about ourself, our feelings, and our experience, instead of pointing the finger of blame at another.
Quote: We learn in time that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger.
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This reading is like a crash course for me in reminding me how to communicate with others effectively, and most importantly, with my A. I can admit that I do fairly well with others, but with my A I need to pay close attention to every word and nuance. I try my best not to engage in battle, and there is progress without perfection. I must practice with almost each interaction, which is tiring, but necessary. Communicating with just about everyone else is easier. Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Lyne
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I believe that communication will be one of those things I am working on for as long as I am here on this earth. I do know that things do go better for me if I pause and pray before I proceed.
I spent an hour + on the phone tonight with one of my brothers. Long story short, our oldest brother has decided that I am the worst person to be in charge of our parents' care, health, estate, etc. He's campaigning to the other 2 about 'this' which makes no sense to me as my parents have a living trust and will, written since 2002, which spells out EVERYTHING. They (parents) are intelligent, capable, planning folks, so there is really nothing to dispute or discuss.
Needless to say, I am being fed what's being said and have chosen to say/do nothing right now. If my parents are healthy, happy and recovering, I am happy with my actions and really don't need to get wrapped up in a cycle of insanity that certainly should have been discussed years ago, if at all. My parents were open with all their plans and have been all of our adult lives. So, I'm in a huge pause, seeking to understand, and determining if I need to take any action.
Don't get me wrong - there's a part of me that wants to have a dialogue and resolve all this AND defend myself. Yet, there is a small voice within (HP) who suggests I have nothing to defend and there's nothing to discuss. Only by the grace of God and a committed program of recovery have I been able to just let this all go and not engage.
What I am learning in the side conversations though is that our oldest brother didn't just bully me - he also bullied another brother. We aren't certain about the 3rd as he's a neutral party in our family and does not discuss the past, or most anything else. He is Switzerland and does it well! My closest brother, at 61 years of age is just now starting to process our childhood, the painful parts, etc. and working with a therapist to peel back the layers of the onion as to why he is as he is, why he feels as he feels, etc. He and I communicate the best with each other because we are willing to be honest and open and accept we are not now and never were perfect.
We did discuss how poorly our family communicates and concluded we were only able to work on ourselves. It's a gift to be able to say what I mean, mean what I say and to not say it mean! I learned that in recovery and if I have doubts as to my emotional state, I do have a lovely pause button I can use until I am ready/able to share adequately.
Love and light to all - enjoy your Monday!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Lyne for your service, and for both wonderful shares.
I never really looked at blaming others as giving my power away... I think b/c I was always so stuck in the Martyr bit. Once I stepped away from the "poor me's" it was easier to see that I was focusing on blaming others, but I never really looked at it as giving my power away.
And you know what 'they' say... if we are GIVING our power away, then we have the CHOICE to take it back!
As Lyne so wisely put forth... AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ACTION!
Happy Monday all!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I think.for me with a lot of people it is time to.communicate less. I say very very little to.some people. I.go out of my way to avoid them.
I cannot say I.did that before. So for me on so many levels less is more
I have to reel the issue back on me, my goals, my needs and my focus.
The reason that I am in al anon is because I focus so much on others.
If I do not communicate there is not so much energy going out
I found myself in a state of total exhaustion this year. In fact at one point I could not get out of bed at all.
I now have really clear goals. My goals were all tied uo in other people's goa llk s before. Now they are just mine
Maresie
(((((I,am here))))
It is extremely nasty when a campaign of bullying arises. My elder sister was a bulky. I have younger sister who never did stand up to her
Processing our sibling relationshios is very hard work. I was decades on mine. In fact I did not soeak to my family if origin for over 10.years
I am glad your Mother and Father have ket their needs and wishes be laid out so closely. My own family of origin remained chaotic till they died. They died as they lived in the exact same tumultuous way
I have tound less is more in terms of soeaking to bullies. I currently have ine overbearing suoervisor. Before program I would ge triggered all day by her imperiousness. Now I let it go right by me.
Ii am also, of course, finding an exit from thst relationshio
I have found moving out of survival mode means lots of exirs. I grow frustrated sometimes that the exits are not movjng faster. On another level it is a huge relief to be giving uo on certain relationshiis however I do them. The new oaradigm being to slio off quietly rather than have the show down at the OK corral
Maresie
Hi y'all... the cycle of blame and shame had me in it's grip. I could stop blaming intellectually- but often my body language gave me away.
My SO and I never got on well, or so it seemed. She gaslighted me enormously. She didn't even have an intellectual constraint.
My thinking goes right back to emotional intimacy and trust. Even right back to the AA Big Book- emotional sobriety.
It was a good goal-set. Apart from the serenity prayer and the 12 Steps, I think the wisdom of old age kicks in. Life becomes too precious for conflict and strife.
Our mum forbade any discussion of religion and politics in the home. It was stultifying.
But i have found there are ways around Tradition 10. If the issue is topical and relevant.
A mature acting group will form a robust adult group conscience, as we grow emotionally.
Small "p" group politics will occur naturally, and members will know what to deal with- and
I still have to deal with my ex roommate on.a limited basis. I was and can still.be enmeshed in that experience. I can even find it #normal#.
I can then go into victim mode and get into.when can I get this person out of.my life. The truth is that there has never been time in my life when I did not have to deal with difficult people. Not ever
I can certainly deal with people from victim perspective. That cost je dearly.
I am willing ti do sonething different niw. Willingnes is everything.
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Thanks for the topic, Lyne 