Hi, SDTerrence and welcome! This is a great place to get some wisdom on coping when we have an alcoholic in the family.

One of the main things I learned in Al-Anon is that I cannot change someone who does not want to change. I could express my concern about their health, but I have to let go of the results, and turn my attention back to me. How will I cope with the fact that someone I love is an alcoholic? How can I maintain my serenity regardless of what that loved one does? What I have learned is that someone's recovery belongs to them -- it is not for me to interfere with.

I remember one time I had a conversation with my alcoholic husband about his drinking, and he said, "So, you have a problem with my drinking." I didn't like that response at the time, but now I have to admit he was right. I had a problem with it. He did not have a problem with it, or at least not a serious enough problem to want to change.

So the only thing I could do was work on my problem -- my fear, my worry, my anger. I dove into Al-Anon meetings, literature, sponsor, really dedicated myself to it. It took time, but it has worked.

Eventually my husband became willing to go to a 12-step program, and to acknowledge that his drinking had hurt me. The amazing thing is, this happened because I was working on me -- not because I was working on him.

SDTerrence - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you've shared. I hear your concerns and love to hear that you and your sister are close. I am one who is in AA recovery as well as Al-Anon - a/k/a a Double Winner. I echo what Freetime shares - it is super hard to 'stay on my side of the street' yet that's where I do best. I am surrounded by the disease - large family with several, mother, sons, husband. It takes every ounce of energy I have to let them all be who they need to be and do what they need to do and detach when necessary.

My sponsor has given me free permission to always share my feelings if I can do so without throwing blame/shame at another. The best way I've learned this falls in with what's been suggested - I love you deeply and just want you to know I am concerned for your health and future. Then I have to let go after speaking my peace/truth. It took me a long, long while to realize that I can 'engage' or obsess to a point where I am more worried about another - health, future, safety, marriage, etc. - than they are and this is not healthy for me or them.

I practice unconditional acceptance and love as best I can with those in my circle. I practice listening without judgement and truly avoid advice or opinions unless I am asked. It gives my people a safe place to process/vent and allows me to be of service without enabling.

I am sending tons of prayers, thoughts and positive energy for all - Alcoholism is a family disease simply because it reaches beyond the person drinking and affects those who live with them or love them too. Keep coming back anytime you want - we'll be around!

Hi SDTerrance...welcome...I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time with your sister now. Know two things however, one being good news, the other being news you may not want to hear...First, know that many people here, and very many people you will meet in going to face to face (now meeting via zoom) alanon meetings, have gone through exactly what you are going through. If you go to zoom alanon meetings, you will meet many people who have seen what you are seeing, have felt what you are feeling, and have gone through what you are going through...and they have done it successfully!!! That's the good news, and that should offer you some comfort. I hope it does.

Second, and this is the part you may not want to hear...and that is...alcoholism is a very unique, baffling, insidious, cunning, confusing, enigmatic, and progressive disease. What does that mean to you? What it means, unfortunately, is that the alcoholic will not quit drinking and certainly will not seek, find, and live a life of recovery...UNLESS and UNTIL THEY WANT TO. Not you, me, us, nobody. They have to want it. Hence, there lies part of the dynamic...and OUR disease. We want it! Sometimes we beg, plead, threaten, try to convince, persuade, badger, prove, and who knows what else -- we try and get them to see what they are doing to themselves, to us, to their loved ones. We try and convince them, we try anything and everything we can. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we cannot cure it.

My wife has a long history of rehabs, 30 days and long-term, IOP (intensive outpatient), OP, counselling, therapy, and so on. You name, been there, had several cups of coffee, done that, and came home! LOL. Countless times, after all of these, my wife, and many alcoholics, don't find sobriety. People can talk about relapse all they want, but the bottom line...either the alcoholic drank, or they didn't. There is no vagueness or ambiguity. My wife -- for close to 20 years -- lived and preached that she could very simply "just have" a drink, perhaps, rarely, two, but that was it and that was fine. Great. That's common. Most people do that. I do that. Maybe you do. But, the alcoholic simply cannot. We can analyze, discuss, try to rationalize, and go on and on and on -- and the more we try and figure why, why they do, say, think, any of it -- the more we try and figure any of that (about the alcoholic) out...the more we drive ourselves crazy!

Often, we get complacent when we get the old "person" back -- but complacency doesn't change the fact, either they are clean and sober, or they aren't. If they aren't, we either live in denial, or we focus on ourselves and what we need to do for us to be OK, for us to get better, and for us to get healthy.

So, she let you know she drank. Got it. Of course she rationalized not wanting to feel "shame" for being unable to have "just one" -- and she may rationalize anything and everything that has to do with her doing anything other than being completely clean and sober. That's what alcoholics do. My wife is IVY league educated, has a Masters degree, was a Rhodes scholar, and was the CFO of a multi-hundred million dollar corporation. It was a stress-free, easy, and wonderful job. She was a member of MENSA, and helped change corporate accounting principles, laws, etc. Top of the game. All she did for 20 years was intelligently, rationally, and very convincingly rationalize that she could "just have one" -- and there is the disease! She too said having just one, or two, and yes, even alcoholism, was nothing more than a mindset, a control exercise, a frame of mind, and so on and so on. Right. Good luck with that. Denial. Nothing more nothing less, and simply it is all the evidence an alcoholic needs to do what they really want to do...drink. It might be drink, or it might be not "not drinking for the rest of my life" -- but it doesn't matter. Either you are clean and sober, or you aren't. Period.

If you think she is sensitive about criticism -- wait until you approach her about drinking. Sure, the initial conversation about you calmly expressing your concerns, sure, that works all well and good...inside your head and here on a BB, chat room, etc. Even if the conversation goes well...if she is drinking...then the conversation will not just be the one conversation and done. It will be again, and again, and again. That said, you can absolutely approach her and have that conversation. In part, because you want to. Yes, for now, it certainly can be better to say nothing to at least keep the communication going. However, this is a progressive disease. It may get to a point where that doesn't work for you any longer. I for one hope it doesn't get to that point. However, she decided to go to rehab...and she decided to drink. Not you. Her.

Be that as it may, yes, I get you are "SUPER concerned about this development." Yes, "just one" for an alcoholic is never just one. You may not even be opposed to the idea of her eventually getting to a place where she can truly have just a couple drinks, but in all likelihood, that just may not be possible. You said she's abused alcohol for 20 years...so, it's possible she can get to a place of having just one or two, but it's not probably. Possible, not probable.

No one here can tell you how to express that concern to her. You know here. Nobody here does. The self-proclaimed experts will make "suggestions" -- but that and $5 gets you a fancy coffee at Starbucks. You know her better than anyone. You have to try and navigate that conversation and the relationship...if you want to. You can also let it go and see how this plays out. The alcoholic has to figure it out on their own, and they have to feel the consequences of their own actions, and then, they can hit rock bottom and hopefully will want to get clean and sober. She's not there. I know that...because she's drinking. Even one or two.

In alanon, one of the things we learn is to check your motives -- are you trying to fix, control, sway, influence, prove, be right, and so on. We also learn to detach, emotionally, physically, and let the alcoholic "decide" on their own, figure out on their own, WITHOUT your influence. There is no right or wrong as to whether or not you have the conversation with her. Only you can decide that. But what alanon does teach -- not right or wrong -- is what is healthy and unhealthy, for YOU, what is sound, stable, etc., for YOU, and what can lead you to having some peace and serenity...whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That sounds crazy, but it's part of what alanon can do. You can be OK, happy, and healthy, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Yes, it's sad if they are drinking. But the sadness will not consume you and ruin your life. It might make you angry or frustrated, but that won't consume you and cause you to start trying to fix it, control it, and so on.

While I was in a similar situation as you are...what I learned from my experience in alanon over the course of many years...is that...it wasn't about how to have a certain conversation and express a concern to my wife...it was about who I was "being" and what I needed to do in order to get better, and get healthy...regardless of whether my wife was drinking or not.

All the best!

-- Edited by Bo on Monday 22nd of June 2020 09:34:29 PM

First of all I think that rehab is a very stressful time. Rehab creates this #bubble,# and promoted the uncinditional acceorance and supprt of family and friends. I am not anti rehab by any means. I kniw that I.am someone who.had a greaf deal of feelings when someone I knew was in rehab. Needless to say they did indeed relapse. They remain relapsed. All that ambvalence and feelings can most certainly be processed here. You have a receptive audience as you have noted. Welcome