The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Hope for Today touches on Step Eight. The author found it difficult to think about visiting the grave-site of alcoholic parents, in order to make amends. A sponsor suggested that the author did not have to make amends yet -- they just had to become willing.
Thinking about willingness, the author began to understand the limitations that each member of the family had been working with -- lack of parenting skills, lack of life skills. Thinking this way melted the author's hardened heart, and they realized that their amends came when their heart had softened enough to become willing.
Thought for the Day: When I can see the disease of alcoholism, rather than the alcoholic, as the cause of my wounds, the deep healing of recovery can begin.
Quote from Paths to Recovery: "Step Eight reminds us that only we can unlock the door of our past and walk away."
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This reading gave me a new appreciation for Step Eight. In the past, I focused on "made a list of all persons we had harmed." I thought this step was all about the list and the amends. I glossed over "became willing." But this reading reminds me that willingness is the key.
It is so subtle -- If I make an amends that I am not really willing to make -- it's not amends. It's like saying "sorry" because my mom or my teacher made me say it -- not because I really feel sorry or because I plan to do better in the future. And it doesn't help anyone. Willing amends -- wow, what a concept! Another secret of Al-Anon discovered!
The most recent amends I made, was just through an action. The people I was making amends to were not aware this is what I was trying to do. They just saw my action, and I believe it made them and me both feel good, and I felt a tremendous healing of myself. I didn't say anything, but I did something. It took me several years, from the point of putting these people on a list, to get to the point of being ready and willing. I had finally become willing to do it.
Oh yes we end up doing the steps- one at a time! Why didn't I think of that sooner?
I propped up our dad for years- to the detriment of my own family. When he passed he disinherited me- for some triviality. [My SO kept her own name, and we gave the kids her surname.]
The upshot of this was that we lost our property and out home- which was on the family farm.
If you know the story of "The Little Red Hen" you might guess at how I thought of this... as a sale was forced and the pittance we received was shared amongst other members of the family who inherited.
For the first three or four years I wanted to go out and pee on dad's grave.
The only reason I did not was that he was in a veteran's grave- and there were a lot of friends and neighbours around about him.
You can see here that i am calling that individual "dad". Over the ensuing years my attitude changed slowly and I had to use the steps and let go.
It might be typical- but the put down and ridicule made me a slave... trying harder and yet harder to win respect and affection.
The thing I most often say- about out local culture- the dear sweet men who breasted the bar would give you the shirt off their back.
But what people didn't notice was the little woman was left at home barefoot and pregnant. ...
I really love the blessed Dr Black... also known as Claudia B.
She came from a similar backwoods background. And survived.
(((((Freetime))))) WOW!!! "WILLING" I sorta "forgot" that one big word as well.....I remember telling my HP in prayer that I cannot forgive the offender for the catastrophic evil he did to me, BUT.....I am WILLING to give up the resentment and hate....I did some self talk about "hey, he is not worth you hurting yourself over and over carrying that bag of poison called resentment and hate----let it go---he is not worth it" and I just kept saying to HP, over and over, I am WILLING to give over to HP the hate and resentment....
now with client issues coming up and financial fear trying to crawl up my spine, I am praying to HP, I am WILLING to turn my life and MY will over to your loving care....I am WILLING for they will be done....so yea, a bit afraid, but I am willing AND sometimes I have to say "I am willing to be willing" if it is a real bad issue
Wow David I had no.idea you dealt with disinheritance. I had to contend with that when I was living with my qualifier. I completely over reacted. I found an attorney to.contest the will. I was triggered by every asoect of the process. I was like a energizer bunny every time an issue came up. That was an extraordinary time.
I was living on quick.sand with the qualifier
The qualifier at one time told me he resented my issues about my mother. After all I was only put on this earth to be a slave to his problems not for any other reason. Who was I to hsve any issues at all?
My.younger sister never recovered from the insult of being disinherited. My young sister devoted years to caring for my mother. She relocated and changed jobs as part of her commitment. Her oattern hardwired since shw was a chIild was to blame me. Needless to say she got angry at me about it. Like I told my mother to write her out of the will when i had not spoken to her for over a decads.
Dealing with this disinheritance issue when I was living in the quagmire created by the qualifier was horrible. I felt insulted and set up. And then wouldn't you know it my younger sister blames me for it just like she did every thing else throughout her life.
I am truly sorry you had to deal with that. My family dynamics are very painful to me.
However these days my younger sister does not get to blame me for issues I had no knowledge of. My elder sister does not get to bully me. Moreover I am no.longet living in a quagmire created by some selfish self involved addict who thinks my only purpose in life is to clean up the mess he created yet again.
I lived through that insult and ny own overbreaction to it. It is a a special insult to have that message from the grave. My.mother lived ate and breathed ways to pit me and my sisters against each othet.
She thrived on it and she oractisec it till the day she died.
Most of time she suceeded. My mother was extremely manipulative. These days I have had a few manipulators approach me. They do not get very far. I certainly do not engage them in another 8 year saga i engaged in with the qualifier.
These days they do not get to engage at all. I simoly cut them off really fast.
Thank you for reminding me it is possible to transcend tremendous hardship. I did more than just survive my really hard childhood. I came through that fire and can share it os indeed possible.. My exoerience strength and hope counts
Thank you for shsring that asoect of your past. I need to remember that I have survived incredible hardship. I.will survive this hardship as well in time. This is not another notch on belt. This is sm experience I am going to learm abd grow from. I already have
Maresie
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares and ESH. That word 'willingness' sneaks into recovery at every level, every day, every step, situation, etc. It's so common in our program that it's easy to skip the word. I am often reminded in this lifetime that HOW it all happens is - Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness.
What I have come to see in myself is I unintentionally complicate things. Life can be difficult as is and then when you have a mind that goes fast often, projects in absolutes and often negative - it takes me a minute to 'catch up' to reality. If a friend calls and tells me they're not feeling well, I can go from hearing those words to a diagnosis of Covid-19 or Cancer in less than half a minute!!!
I have learned for me that my first 'read'/'reaction'/'response' if not often the best or healthiest. I've made progress - such as when my parents needed help, I did not hesitate in spite of the virus, the pandemic, the stay @ home orders, etc. I knew instinctively (thank you God) exactly what I needed to do and set about doing it. The road trip over and back with no other humans was not bad at all - I knew I was not alone. It would be nice if my instinctual response could always be fearless, instant and spontaneous - just not reality.
My mind (affected by this disease) still reads more into situations, looks for hidden agendas between the lines and wants to over-analyze everything. So, without much practice in recovery, my first glance at the steps had me already blowing them off OR 'perfecting' them - depends on the day. What I've come to learn about me is when I slow down, seek the facts/truth, set aside my over-active mind and try to keep things as simple as possible, all is well (or much, much better).
My sponsor was really good at helping me convert what was written into actionable steps. For this step it says to make a list. Then it suggests willingness to make amends. It does not tell me I have to start a cross-country journey to correct every wrong nor does it suggest anything beyond a list and willingness. When I read this, I was instantly 'stuck' because I was afraid of the next step!
Love and light all - keeping it simple makes things easier for me....we had rain this morning, so I opted out of golf. I collected some recovery gal pals and we met at a meeting place staying outside with lawn chairs and masks and just talked, laughed and enjoyed each other. We intended to have a 'meeting' but truly needed to just be together and catch up way more than a formal meeting. We've agreed to do it at least weekly and we've also agreed to start a step study together.
Doing the 'next right thing' sometimes brings incredible joy to my life....and it doesn't always have to be 'adulting' - it can be fun! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We owned a third of the property and paid a mortgage to keep things going. So when dad died we had that amount of cash.
Mum and dad had been divorced for years- but she had been active in deciding who was going to get what. Very much so. I shunned her for two or three years. A well-timed letter pulled things back into line. She and step-dad planned to leave me something. There was a will change. Mum died first, and then the kids of the first wife got that inheritance.
I was fully okay with that. Never having to rely on an inheritance. I worked my butt off, actually to try and provide for our retirement. And I am really grateful my relationship held together. Separation and divorce is traumatic, to say the least... and there are usually enormous losses.
We invested the cash we got from the property break-up- and did very well. Now we are steering through turbulent times, at the moment- but I allowed for this happening... so that, hopefully, we will be some of the survivors...
Not to mention the personal and social satisfaction- to being able to hold a family system together- and giving the next generation a bit of a head start...
Thanks Freetime... 
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