((((((((Maresie)))))))))) hang in there....I had to do repairs, (thank God not major, very minor, really, but a bit irritating) re the former roommate, now I have my favorite male cousin in hospital, maybe dying because his heart is so bad....he used to baby sit me...I had SO much fun with him......i just do the body, mind, spirit self care thingy and turn ALL the "outside of me" stuff over to HP

In my experience, when stressed out, maxed out, frustrated, and so on -- the first and best thing to get rid of, the first and best thing to rid myself of the stress, angst, etc., the one thing that makes me better and healthy is...TO STOP FOCUSING ON THE OTHER PERSON! I don't think most people understand the extent, depth, scope of what that problem really is. It's not just focusing on them, it's more the mental, physical, and emotional energy and toll that -- not the focusing but -- the entire mental capacity aspect takes. Allowing someone "into" your head is never just "into" -- it is allowing them to "live" in your head "rent free" as we say. And we don't even know it's happening.

There's two piles of "stuff" in the world. A small, little pile, that is my business...and much larger, bigger pile, that is not my business. Just dealing with the smaller pile which is my business is full-time job. If that is a full-time job, how could I possibly find the time to deal with the larger pile that is not my business? LOL. Why would I want to? Before recovery, when I was unhealthy -- and didn't know it -- I did want to! Thus, I have to commit, and focus my time and energy, the mental bandwidth, and healthiness, on me, the smaller pile, which is my business.

I don't care about what the other person is doing, saying, etc. -- that there place is a mess, that they are dysfunctional, that they are drinking, drunk, whatever. My focus in on me -- not them -- and how not to let them inside my head and life. I keep them at a distance. I keep them at a place of space and distance, so they cannot upset my world.

Maresie, you said something has to go...well, that's him! LOL. Take him, his stuff, what he's doing, etc. -- take it off your pile!!!

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I know you know longer stay with him. But is there no him anymore? You may want to take a look at that, talk to your sponsor, etc. From an outsider's perspective, virtually every one of your post's references "him" so to speak. Sometimes, we have to take a long, open, and honest look at us, our role, our contribution. If you don't stay with him any longer -- what's your motivation? I always ask that of myself. My motivation is always to focus on myself -- and if it's best for me, healthy for me, then I completely minimize, or even eliminate having to deal with a toxic, unhealthy, dysfunctional person. As far as dealing with him -- there are always options. Look at them, look for more of them -- you deserve it!!! I had to co-parent a 14 yo girl with a woman who was a drug addict, obsessively focused on her heroin addict son, angry, bitter, dysfunctional person...but I wasn't focused on her, what she was doing, why, how, etc. I was focused on my daughter, and being a parent.

All the other stuff, I hear you. It's tough. At every turn, we are faced with trials and tribulations. Each and every thing, person, trigger, stressor, etc., that we can eliminate, lightens the load. Keep focusing on you, and the next thing in front of you.

Sometimes, when we are in it -- we don't even know we are in it.

All the best!

I really wish my issues were limited to one single person and theur dysfunction One of the things I had to endure when I moved out of this place (in January) was a moving service who.completely abandoned me. They took one batch of stuff no problem. Then when I was up against a deadline to get out the movers reneged on their agreement. They simply refused to move the stuff. They left me completely uo the creek. On that date I had completely lost my voice. I could not even make a phone call. I.was absolutely devastated. I was sick, exhausted and completely left at sea. I had to then go back and negotiate with the landlord to take my.stuff Then I had to get the first batch of.my possesions from the moving company as i could not trust them Meantime I was completely exhausted and minus ny.voice. And then oh yeah I.had to.work too. I actually had my.employer tell me that I.had to do my shift whether or not I had a voice. I refused to because I said I was too ill. Talk about way way overload This last 6 months have been one series of disasters after another. One bout of sickness after another. I certainly have had ny share of hard times. Leavjng the ex qualifier when I had no.money (my unemployment ran out and I had literally no.money) was really difficult. I took whatever job came along. After I left him I then decided to helo him. I saw the.error of my ways. I eventualjy cut off all contact with him In this last 6 months I have been regularly side lined. I have had to surrender. Then I had to say what can I.address and mitigate because I simoly exhausted. However most of all i have had to.say my.life is completely out of control and I need helo Right now I have to focus on making my life easier. I simply cannot deal with any more stress or rather one more catastrophe. I have to take ny mental and physical health seriously or I will get physically ill again. Maresie

Yes it had been incredibly difficult. Today I took an envelope downtown to drop.off at an office. The security guard told me there was no.one in the office This woman came uo to me and told me she worked in the office. The packet I was leaving was a brown paoer enveloe with about 5/6 papers inside The way she responded was like this was an incredible big.deal. i.wrote my name on the envelope This kind of stuff is all.day every.day. Every single thing I go to.do is like a huge deal. Dealing with my doctor last month was a huge deal. Getting her to.sign a form was a long drawn out task. That required at least 5 trios to her office. I had to get the customer service deoartment to intervene I was due a check from a government agency. It was delayed then delayed again. Finally it came one month later!!! So yes I.am absolutely uo to.my ears in this. There is no resoite in sight. Covid 19 is going to be around for at least anothet 6 months I take time off to get some things done. I focus entirely on my self. The tasks are ticked off. I.feel like I am moving through molasses. Every single day uphill all the way all day every day Thank you for the validation. I have to surrender every day. I have to watch my.stress level because I quite simoly am totally at my limit here.

I know learning that these Covid issues will be in play for ar least another 6 months is very helpful Other than that I went through a lot of hardship in 2008. I.had to look.at all the hardship I endured when I left the qualifier I managed to swim through that. It took years to recover. Years and years. Maybe it is going to take years for us to get through Covid. I am going to keep putting myself in a place where I can get through ny goals. I will keep pushing through them because they need to be taken care of During this time dealing with the now ex roommate I decided to.increase my support system. I made two new friends one of them has been very very helpful to me. He gives me really solid feedback which is really helpful. On.some level he is very much like a sponsor. He came along at just the right time. I am also willing to listen to his suggestions. His suggestions are very heloful. From next week I will have a therapist. Getting to have a therapist has been over a year in the making. That came along at just the right time. Sone things are going right. My life is not one comolete disaster after another. Some things certainly take time. Right now I.am willing to do whatever it takes to get to a bettet place I am almost halfway through June. I.cut back my hours at work in order to keep ny stress down. Now I will have to change that around. I have also dropped one of ny friends who has not been that helpful to.me. He has gone through a lot. His sister died from Covid. He has basically not been outside since March. The Covid threat is terrifying to him He may stay home till next February That is not an option for me. I have to.remember this COVID 19 issue has caused tremendous h0pard ship to many many people. I am not alone in that regard Some friends stay with you for awhile. I can make new friends. This Covid issue just obliterared that relationship. He lives in terror of the virus. He lashes out because of it. I am no longer willing to have snyone lash on me on a regular basis. I lived in a totally out of control situation with the qualifier. I left him with no money in my pocket. I had to take on all the pets because he simoly abandoned them I made that happen out of nothing, no money, no job, no place to live, changing the place I lived to take on the pets. people who.back stabbed me everytime I looked around. I can make it through this time too. I met Betty when I was going through that extreme difficulty. Betty heloed me to negotiate thaf time every day. She was very patient but clear about whst could help me. Betty endured tremendous hardship in.her life. That exoerience caused her the kind of pain I cannot even imagine. I most certainly never even considerd telling her how to manage that kind of pain.and stress. Why would I? I cannot even fathom that level of oain. I actually do not compare my path to other people's. My year is not like anyone else's year. What I.share on this board is a mere fraction of what I have to contend witn. Day in day out. I cannot say it is getting easier. Every day is uohill all the way My friend who has been very helpful to me got robbed recently. I was jumped and robbed a few years ago when I was having a really hard time. I cannot really compare my experience to his. I can relate but I most certainly cannot say that I.am in the same boat. What he needs to do to recover from that is not something I can tell him in 3 sentences or a formula. I know what it is to be robbed. I know only a small fraction of what he has to contebd with. That is why I.value his suggestions. This is a time of great great hardbship for many people. My neighbors are suffering evey day because they have to move out amid this crisis. They really do not know when they will move back. I cannot tell them I am in the same boat as them. I have no.idea of the stessors they are dealing with. For some of them it will be unbelievably hard and an absolute disaster. One of them already died. He commited suicide. Another one fell down and had to have energency services break down the door. There is hardship everywhere. I do not have the corner on hardship. I certainly cannot tell anyone what to do becsuse I know I do not have a formula that works on every occasion My stressors led to my physical health going under. The health system we have has completely gone awol in this Covid 19 crisis. I was lucky I recovered. The care I received was really inadequate. I cannot wait to find another practitioner and health team in the future. Now is not the time to be changing that. I have another practitioner in mind. The list I have of chsnges to make is long and onerous and it grows daily. Reducing that long list to three sentences is a comolete under statement. I am not the only one dealing with hsrdship. Nevertheless the hardship and stressors on my plate are my responsibiity and mine alone. This virus came out of nowhere now I know I.have to endure at least another 9.months of this i can make plans to respond rather than react. That is progress. At this time I just have to admit I have to surrender daily. My life is unnanageable. Surrender Maresie.

((((((Maresie))))))

Just offering you support.